Need help dealing with an overbearing mother...

nikkid81

My parents recently fell upon hard times and had to move in with my husband and me. A few months after they moved in, we began IVF. Originally, we'd wanted to keep this private, but that was impossible since my parents were living with us. One day, while in the process of giving myself an injection, my mom starts yelling at me about how it's her "God given right" to be in the delivery room. I told her that was a decision my husband and I would need to make together and that we feared she'd bring stress and tension, which isn't what we want. She threw a tantrum and stormed off. Mind you, at that point, I didn't even know if I could get pregnant.

 Flash forward a month, and we're pregnant! Of course, my parents knew right away because they live with us. Now that we're halfway through the pregnancy, my husband and I are starting to talk about our birth plan. We DO NOT want my mom in the delivery room. We've had no privacy throughout this entire experience and want to enjoy the birth together, without anyone else. We also want to have two hours after delivery to bond with the baby by ourselves and for me to rest and shower. How do I tell my overbearing mother this without making my home life between now and then a living hell? Do I wait until I go into labor to let her know she won't be in there? Or do I tell her now so she can mentally prepare herself "to be disappointed?" Just to give you an idea of how selfish she can be, I mentioned how great it will be to have family so close when the baby is born, especially because we'll need someone to take care of our dog while we're in the hospital. Her response? "You'll need to get a pet sitter."

arvizu1010

You're in a really tough situation!  I'm so sorry.  I have some overbearing inlaws and I laid down the law when my daughter was born.  It was communicated right from the beginning that only my husband and I would be at the birth.  My daughter was born at 2:41pm and after being awake all night and all day with contractions and delivery, I was not feeling up to visitors.  My MIL was not happy, but we demanded that no one could visit until the following day to give us a chance to bond and relax with our new baby.  Our visitors showed up the next day and were blwon away by our precious little firl.  No one even mentioned being upset about not visiting the day she was born.

It's tough being firm with family members, especially when you don't want to hurt their feelings or create a tense living situation.  I would suggest maybe writing a heartfelt letter to her about your feelings.  You and husband have been wanting this baby for a long time and you deserve to have the birth you envisioned.  Maybe you could involve her in other ways that would help her feel special?  Like include her in decorating the nursery?  Maybe let her pick out the going home outfit?  She will probably still be upset, but hopefully if you are able to tell her sooner than later, she can have time to heal and focus on what's really important - the fact that she's about to be a grandmother!

JLW0504

I am typically a HUGE pushover. Both my father and MIL are very overbearing and still think my husband and I are children. I'm learning that it's okay to hurt their feelings when it comes to the baby stuff. I mean, seriously, they had their turn and now it's my and my husband's turn. Maybe she needs to think back when it was her that was pregnant. how did she react with her mother?

3sthecharm

You are letting them stay with you and she doesnt even want to help with the dog for 2 days?!! Ridiculous. Tell her now if she pouts and makes life unbearable, let her know shell need to make other living arrangements. Your house. Your rules. Tell her your OB has a one support person per delivery rule and that is your husband. Blame the OB and tell the nurses when you check in. Theyll put a no visitor notice for you.

 

Good luck

AimeeSue02

3sthecharm:

You are letting them stay with you and she doesnt even want to help with the dog for 2 days?!! Ridiculous. Tell her now if she pouts and makes life unbearable, let her know shell need to make other living arrangements. Your house. Your rules. Tell her your OB has a one support person per delivery rule and that is your husband. Blame the OB and tell the nurses when you check in. Theyll put a no visitor notice for you.

 

Good luck

Agree! Especially if you find it hard to say no. My dr has a one person in the delivery room rule - so that's not crazy! Let them take the blame and inform him/her and the nurses. They will keep people out. 

LaineyPaney

God given right, my arse!

CRLSMC2011

AimeeSue02:

3sthecharm:

You are letting them stay with you and she doesnt even want to help with the dog for 2 days?!! Ridiculous. Tell her now if she pouts and makes life unbearable, let her know shell need to make other living arrangements. Your house. Your rules. Tell her your OB has a one support person per delivery rule and that is your husband. Blame the OB and tell the nurses when you check in. Theyll put a no visitor notice for you.

 

Good luck

Agree! Especially if you find it hard to say no. My dr has a one person in the delivery room rule - so that's not crazy! Let them take the blame and inform him/her and the nurses. They will keep people out. 

 

This is exactly what I was going to suggest as well.  Good luck! 

Lolalipsy

LaineyPaney:

God given right, my arse!

My sentiments exactly!

MrsMcC.10409

Disclaimer - I'm just a dirty lurker and I don't know anything about your backstory.

Personally, I'd just not mention anything. She isn't entitled to be prepared for anything, and it's not something you need to stress about. When you go into labor, go to the hospital (without telling anyone if you can manage it), and tell the nurses that the delivery room is OFF LIMITS to anyone except DH until you give them specific instructions that visitors are allowed. It's their job to enforce the rules. Your mother can get over herself. If you have to tell her you're headed in, tell her at that time that she is not to follow you and you will call her when visitors are allowed. And then still tell the nurses it's a private room.

Feel free to skip over this bit of unsolicited advice: If you don't nip this is the bud now, I'd bet dollars to donuts that your first months as a new mommy are going to SUUUUUUCK. Your mother will think she's entitled to all the baby snuggling and parenting decisions, while you are relagated to housework. If your parents are going to live with you, boundaries are a must. If you need help standing up to her and enforcing them as a couple, I'd suggest a counselor that can help you develop these skills. I don't care how much of a temper tantrum throwing, selfish tyrant she is - she got that way because no one stood up to her.

Sincerely, I wish you all the best of luck with everything.

crober71

Some people just cant get the hint! I am lucky that both my mother and boyfriends mother understand my wishes, however, my biological father who was out of my life until these past 2-3 years is really over bearing and keeps asking me about my plans for the delivery and how he is going to be there the whole time. I appreciate that he wants to be there but at the same time I'd much rather the father who has raised me be there and comfortable. You can always tell your mother that your doctor doesn't allow more than one person in the delivery room. I know my doctor would def go along with that idea! You need to be comfortable during delivery. and good luck!

limegreenlauren

I agree with the person who said not to say anything. The hospital will take care of it for you....tell them you don't want visitors and the nurses will keep them out. Most maternity wards I've been to have had front desks that you had to stop at and be buzzed in the door. 

 Also, I would reallllllly encourage you to kindly kick them out before you come home with your baby. I can't imagine having an over bearing mother around when you're trying to learn how to be a parent. Plus, all the snuggles should be for YOU and your hubby  

Sxia

I'm sorry, they're living with you out of the kindness of your heart and theyre being a pain in the ? You should tell them that if they don't like it they can find somewhere else to go.

Of course, I would never actually say that to my parents. But sometimes I'd like to say something like that.

ohlordy

MrsMcC.10409:

Feel free to skip over this bit of unsolicited advice: If you don't nip this is the bud now, I'd bet dollars to donuts that your first months as a new mommy are going to SUUUUUUCK. Your mother will think she's entitled to all the baby snuggling and parenting decisions, while you are relagated to housework. If your parents are going to live with you, boundaries are a must. If you need help standing up to her and enforcing them as a couple, I'd suggest a counselor that can help you develop these skills. I don't care how much of a temper tantrum throwing, selfish tyrant she is - she got that way because no one stood up to her.

Sincerely, I wish you all the best of luck with everything.

Best unsolicited advice ever. Please don't disregard; boundaries are very very important.

bosoxy

I have a similar issue and plan to tell my mom and other visitors that they are welcome to be in the room until it is time to push.  Then they will need to leave until 2 hours after baby is born so we can bond.  My son will be the first to be welcomed in to see baby and everyone else after that.

NatC5104

I had to hurt feelings a while ago and it was hard but I couldn't handle the stress of it anymore. My parents and my sister were all planning (without asking) to come to my very small home and stay here when the baby comes. No one bothered to ask if it was ok that there would be three extra people staying in our house with one bathroom and one extra bedroom besides the nursery. They do live 12 hours away and I understand that they want to share in the experience but it really upset me that they made all of these plans without even asking.

Recently things have changed and my sister is not able to make it. Thankfully it took most of the stress off. However I did have to tell my mother who was excited about being there for the delivery that they can come to the hospital but I only want my hubby in the room with me. I think she was a little bummed but understood that it is all my choice and she will do whatever I ask of her.

I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope that it all works out for you in the end. Good Luck!!