I screwed up...

ambrvan

So I screwed up, but how was I supposed to know?

DH always wants me or someone, aka his mom, to handle the big things like the attorney and DCS and a keeping records etc when it comes to SD and prettu much everything else. And whenever we have told him he needs to be the one to take it on, things don't get done. With him, out of sight out of mind. So I thought us talking about all.of this and contacting the attorney on Sunday was us discussing it. Apparently not.

So when I called yesterday and made an appointment, he got SUPER pissed off. He said I took away his parental privilege. I asked him if I had waited would hebhave called. He saod yes but maybe not right then. He wants to see what happens and get all the facts first. Ugh! This is always what he says when he means he is scared we will go to court and he will get denied and they will award SD to BM. He does not understand that she has a five mile long arrest record, psychiatric record, and DCS in another state has proven her unfit and dangerous and taken her visitation rights. We have everything right here! And right now while she is not livingnwith her parents, she will agree to anything we ask without going toncourt because she does not want any of her kids at all!

What does it take! I told him I was sorry I made him feel that way but not sorry I did what I did. I told himnoast experiences gave me no reason to think he would be honest with me about whether or not he called, got.an appointment, how.much it cost, etc.

We fought until early AM. Last night was miserable. He saod he is not.mad and realizes I was doing what was right for SD but that I should have considered his feelings first. I told him that this is not about him or me. This is about SD.

Please, set me straight on all of this and help me see where he is coming from. He put it to me as if the roles were reversed. How would I feel if my husband was taking over things like this that were mine to deal with if DH and I were divorced. I told him I could see hiw it would make me feel.bad as a parent if I were in his shoes but if it was me, no one would have a CHANCE to jump a steo ahead of me because I would have been on the phone the moment the office opened. So technicially, he had an hour and a half to take advantage of his so called parental privilege and take care of business before I had a chance to call while I was working. He was at home doing nothing the whole time.

socloudy99

If he hasn't been proactive in the past and didn't say he was going to be now I am not sure how he thought you should know. He is an adult and a parent. If he wants things to change from how they were handled in the past he needs to tell you.

The part below really bothers me. I think this would make me evaluate my marriage:

I told him past experiences gave me no reason to think he would be honest with me about whether or not he called, got.an appointment, how.much it cost, etc.

One thing BFs have to have is honest and communication. He seems to be failing on both than blaming you for the failure.

I have kept my mouth shut because the whole rasist thing was a long time ago but since I can't forget the racist tendencies of your household I am not suprised there also seems to be a man is in charge of woman thing too.

sld5711

I dont think you are wrong at all! My husband and I got into a similar fight with him thinking I made him look like "less of a man" by contacting someone for information because he hadnt done it and was just sitting on it and I thought was extremely important!  Because of this fight I have taken a step back and I will no longer do any of his bidding and as long as it doesnt concern or affect me or my son directly then its not my concern or my priority.  I think in BF its easy to take too much control as the mother figure because we know if it was dealing with our own childern we wouldnt be sitting at home doing nothing when something big and important happened we would be acting immediately and getting things solved and done! 

fellesferie

I think it sounds like YH wants it both ways. From what you've posted here, it sounds like when you are all 4 together, you do all/most of the parenting.

So he wants you to do the work of parenting with none of the decision making privileges. He wants you to be his secretary but not act on anything.

If he can't see what he's doing, then I would start asking for marriage counseling.

MH is a 'wait and see' type. He does not ACT as quickly as I often do. Sometimes I jump the gun and do something before checking/double checking/triple checking that he is ready. I think he complained to me one time that I could have waited, and I just gave him a look.

IMO if this was a big deal to him, the onus was on him to tell you that he wanted to wait. You aren't a mind reader. 

ambrvan

He said a simple text letting him know that I was about to call the attorney would have sufficed for him. He says he just feels as if I totally cut him out of it. So I can see how I was wrong there. But I think he is letting ot make him feel guilty for not taking the initiative himself and taking his personal anger at himself out on me.

But you are right. I am not a mind reader. In our conversation Sunday, we agreed we needed to call the lawyer. Why would I assume that I wouldn't need to do that on Monday ASAP? He told me Sunday night thatbhis mother was going to call the paralegal when she got off work Monday. Why is it ok for his MOTHER to call but not me? Especially when I can get it done faster?

Anyway, he said it has blown over. But we will see when I meet him down there this afternoon. He may see me and get all pissy again. I told him I would keep quiet unless he consulted me or I was asked anything. I told him he could handle it but that he better handle it. I told him to please consider listening to me and presenting everything I say because I am the only one of us who has done any research at all, who has bothered to get a copy of BM's arrest record, knows when and where she was checked into psych hospitals, and has a whole stacks of records of when BM took visitation, lied about such, when her utilities were turned off with the children living there, etc. I reminded him that HE was the one who asked ME to keep up with all this.

I was nice and calm about it all then unlike what I am typing here, but dang, come on now!

Littlejen22

I have to be honest and say in the last two posts I have felt that your DH was a controlling ass that is looking for a babysitter and not a wife and loving caring step mother to his first child. I am really pissed that he is turning your caring for SD I to a bad thing. I know you love SD and DH but you have to decide how you want to be treated because in the last few posts I have worried about you. If he is not going to accept the help you want to give then you will need to let him do it buy he needs to be clear that he is going to do it and do it all and not later dump it on you and blame you. And you have to decide how you want to be treated and what you will tolerate.

socloudy99

Littlejen22:

I have to be honest and say in the last two posts I have felt that your DH was a controlling ass that is looking for a babysitter and not a wife and loving caring step mother to his first child. I am really pissed that he is turning your caring for SD I to a bad thing. I know you love SD and DH but you have to decide how you want to be treated because in the last few posts I have worried about you. If he is not going to accept the help you want to give then you will need to let him do it buy he needs to be clear that he is going to do it and do it all and not later dump it on you and blame you. And you have to decide how you want to be treated and what you will tolerate.

Amen!

ambrvan

Ok, now I really do feel bad. DH is still being standoffish, but its just him.dealing with the stress of facing not him actually still.upset with me. I think.

Ummm... MIL was at the meeting with attorney, as well. .......... ?

Anyways, it went well. Hebsaid it should be no problem getting everything we ask for and the restraining order can be in court tomorrow morning.

On the phone yesterday, they told me it would just be the offoce counsel fee up front and we woyld be billed for everything else. No problem. See, DH? I told you there was no problem.

WRONG! That will be 1000perfectly up front after we take off 800 since you are return business. O.O HOLY COW! And that is just what has to to be paid by tomorrow to get it started. I figured since we have already paid the retainer fee the past that we would only have to pay office counsel fees and court/filing fees up front, that we would get billed for the hourly rate later. Well, I was wrong. So MIL, despite the fact thatbwe said we will get the money and come back, wrote a check for 1000 today that she cannot cover and it is up to us to make sure we give 1000 to put in the bank by the tomorrow. Major bind here...

And I feel like it's my fault now. If anything goes wrong, I'm going to get blamed, anyway.

HChad

This not your fault. You asked all the questions up front and took the information you were given.  MIL is in the wrong for writing a check she cannot cover.

My DH is slow about getting these things done (he has a 8 yr old DD who lives with his ExW half way across the country), but he gets them done.  From what you've posted, it sounds like your DH wants things to get done his way by you, without telling you what that schedule is.  Not being a mind reader, this is going to be a problem.  IMHO, he needs to step up and get all this done on his own or really, truly appreciate that YOU are willing to take it over when it's HIS responsibility.