Harder to love?

nomadica

I'm worried about my DH's relationship with DS (PDD-NOS). DS is definitely a hard kid to engage with. If anyone other than me comes home or picks him up at DC, he will typically ignore them. There is no running to give a hug and yelling "Daddy!" when DH comes home. DH's schedule does not help matters- he works many evenings and weekends, so I am, by far, the primary caregiver. When DH is home, DS often will ignore him, or even not want him there. DH is obviously hurt by this, and so he tends to not even try to engage DS in play, which I feel only makes matter worse. I try to tell him that it can be hard for me to engage him also (which is true!) and that he needs to put aside hurt feelings and put in the effort. I also try to leave the house so it's just the two of them, but DH is pretty resistant to this. He keeps saying that fatherhood is just not what he thought it would be. He also says he prefers older kids and he'll have a better relationship with DS when he gets a bit older (I find it kind of ridiculous to wait to try to have a good relationship with your son, myself). It breaks my heart to feel like DH is disappointed in fatherhood, and in our son, and even more so, I worry that these feelings will be or are obvious to DS.

I also worry about this kind of stuff with other family members, though it's much more concerning to me with DH.

Anyone else relate?

bumpuser511563

Yeah I feel you on that one. DH used that excuse, too.

My DH was the same way with DS.

I realized DH was only hurting himself by not putting the effort to be with DS but I could not force them to be together. Some things DH said was not very nice in front of DS. I told DH to stop. I am sure DS understood even though he could not talk and that was why DS was not going to DH.

DH told me he had one shot to have a perfect son and of course he expressed his disappointment because DS did not talk. DH could not get why two very educated parents could produce a child with special needs and compare to two stupid parents with a normal child. I posted on the dad's board to get answers to get another perspective on this issue.

DH was stubborn to educate himself about DS's diagnosis and would not accept anything. He did support therapy for DS and took him to some therapy appointments but did not accept the label.

He complained so much about DS not talking and now DS talks so much he does not stop talking. I waited so long for DS to talk.

DH has stopped complaining too.

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MirandaHobbes

I'm sorry. That is hard. My DH is pretty involved but we went through a dark phase as well. Basically 2-4ish. DH refused to take DS anywhere, and basically just refused to enjoy parenting at all. I tried to get him to take trips with DS, and he'd refuse, saying he needed a break. So we'd leave DS with my parents and go by ourselves. The guilt was overwelming at first, but we did need the break. Something clicked when DS turned 4 and he has progressively gotten 100% more likeable and fun. We can go out to eat now- at real restaurants!- and we've gone on a couple 2 night trips, even camping. DH took DS to a baseball (which didn't go well) but it's nice to see him making an effort. It would be nice if your DH could find something- anything- that they can enjoy together. Maybe swimming at the local Y or something (we do this weekly now). It's something DS looks forward to doing with Daddy. I think this will get better for you as DS gets old and matures. Until then, hang in there. I'm the one who works longer hours at our house and I went through a gut-wrenching phase where DS preferred I not even be there, and would yell at me to go back to my office. It was awful, and hard to get over. Fortunately we've all moved on!

Deborah621

This is kind of where we are too, my DS (PDD_NOS too) strongly prefers me over DH. He will walk right by DH and come and find me for almost anything he needs. DS is also hard to engage at times and just wants to do his own thing, and my husband has a hard time knowing what to do with him. I have tried giving him specific things to do with DS that I know he will enjoy, playing with certain toys or doing activities I have been doing with him that he likes. It has gotten a lot better, especially now that I am working at least one weekend day a week they are kind of forced to figure it out on their own I am also hoping as DS gets older and matures more, starts communicating a little better it will get easier for both of them too.

nomadica

It's sad to hear- but also comforting- that others are in the same boat. It's also encouraging that things really might get better as DS gets older. I just don't ever want DS to feel unloved. I mean, obviously he'll know that his mom loves him more than life, but that won't be enough. And I want DH to enjoy DS, despite the hard parts, because there really is a lot to love. Sigh....

malcivar

I'm so sorry.  In our case, Chris seems ambivalent to both of us sometimes.  He likes us for different things.  Dad is rough-housing and singing fun and mom is cuddles and hugs fun.  But it's really hard for DH sometimes because he's a "do-er".  He feels like he has to be 'doing' something to help.  Chris frustrates him because whenever he tries to test him, it doesn't always go well.  You would think that this would help him to be very involved but no, he still wants me to stay on top of calls/appts/etc and just tell him what to 'do'.  

I'm heartened by the fact that others have gone through this and seem to be doing better.  Hopefully that will be our case as well.  

mccall0113

Thank you for posting, sorry you are struggling.  XH and DS11 (Aspbergers and bipolar) do not have the best relationship and worse now that we are divorced.  I used to hope and try to foster more between the two of them.  Now I just pick up the pieces and plan to be both mom and dad.

nomadica

-auntie-:

Do you think your DH needs some help getting to a place where he can be OK with life the way it turned out rather than the one to which he seems to feel entitled? It's a process. It took a while for DH and I to be comfortable admitting to the other that our lives as parents wheren't something we would have anticipated. We've gotten to the place where we- all 3 of us- can laugh about the irony of us as a family unit.

He definitely needs some help with that! Any advice on how to facilitate that? it's very helpful to hear from someone who has been through it.

thefuturemrskudla

Why not just tell DH he needs to work on his relationship with DS? You have enough to deal with without having to coddle him, right?