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Babies on the Brain
My mother is being overwhelming...
I'm a first time mother, currently pregnant, in week 24. It's a boy! Time is getting short, and people are getting excited, I understand well enough because I'm super excited too!
Everything is going smoothly, untill I hit a snag with my mother. You see, this will be her first grandchild, I understand she's excited, I do...but it feels like she's trying to take controll of my child even before he's even born.
First, she tells me she wants to keep him for two days and two nights a week. I appriciate the sentiment, I do, and I'll take her up on her offer SOME weeks, maybe, but she fails to think that my mother in-law will want the same kind of time with him as well. Fair is only fair, and to keep them from fighting, I'm going to make their time equal. If she were to get her way, I'd be giving my mother two days/nights, and his mother two days/nights...a WEEK, keeping me away from my child for a majority of the week! 4 days/nights! I'm NOT okay with this.
I know this topic is touchy, but my mother wants the baby to sleep in bed with her. I'm not okay with this either. I told her this when I first found out I was pregnant (16 weeks in), and she started talking about it. 20 weeks, in, she brings out one of those little co-sleeper baskets you set in bed with you so the baby can sleep with you. She's been pushing this for WEEKS now, and I keep telling her the same thing, that I'm not comfortable with the idea of it, and I don't want her doing it at all.
I'm now 24 weeks, going for my next ultrasound tomorrow, and it's been racking my mind...how do I get her to listen to my rules when it comes to the baby? I don't have many beyond the 'no co-sleep' rule...
I tell her and tell her, and she keeps pushing and pushing.
Do I just have to tell her that I won't be leaving him with her unless she agrees, and that if I find she IS co-sleeping with him anyway, that I won't be leaving him with her ever again?
I thought about telling my doctor tomorrow, but I'm not sure. If she won't listen to me, why would she listen to him?
This is stressing me out something terrible (and I've heard that isn't very good for a pregnant woman)
I'd be thankful for any advice on the situation.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My mother is being overwhelming...
Ok you need to set up boundaries NOW.
Here is the thing about boundaries. The onus isn't on others to listen to what you say, they are for you to enforce.
Tell your mom the baby will not be at her home two days a week and will certainly not going to sleep in her bed. She will probably get mad, upset and even throw a fit. That is ok. The world won't end if your mom is mad at you. This is one of those times in life where you have to channel your inner mama bear and do what is best for your baby. Again, your baby's health and well being is more important that your mom's feelings. Keep repeating that to yourself. My baby's health and well being is more important than my mom's feelings. Tell yourself that over and over and over whenever you feel yourself giving into whatever tantrum your mom might throw.
I personally feel that upsetting your parents is just a part of growing up. My parents didn't like it when I told them we would be there for Christmas morning a few years ago and my ILs didn't like it when my husband told them they can't dictate how we spend our time when we visit them. Again, they were upset but they got over it. In fact, I think they respect us more now because they know we can't be manipulated.
You tell your mom that the baby will not be spending two days at her home and will not be sleeping in the bed with her. END OF DISCUSSION. If she continues to bring it up, you hang up on her or you get up and leave.
Yeah, this. Your mother sounds BSC and you need to grow a pair - she doesn't get to dictate sleepovers for YOUR baby (especially as a newborn - WTF?). If she can't respect that, stop answering her phone calls and don't answer the door when she comes over. You need to establish some boundaries now.
Ditto this. I find it really weird that your mom wants to keep YOUR child with her two days a week. My mom loves my son, but she doesn't want him 2 days a week (granted, we live in her basement, but still). Your mom is being a creep, and I agree; you need to set boundaries now. I half think your post is MUD, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
I knew someone who didn't know she was pregnant until she was 18 weeks along. I asked her how she didn't know, and she said that she thought she knew, but was too afraid to take a pregnancy test.
"Mom, I love you very much. Right now, all I can think about is spending time with my baby. When I feel the baby is old enough to stay over with someone, we'll talk. Until then, you need to let it go. When I am ready, I will bring it up. When I do bring it up, there will be rules. You must listen to them. Right now, you're hurting our relationship by not respecting me enough to listen to what I am telling you. I want to have an amazing relationship with you, and I want you to have an amazing relationship with your grandson. I'm the parent, what I say goes."
My mother was similar. For different reasons I still won't let her have my daughter over night. She's two now. Having a frank,firm, but as polite as possible, discussion should help. I hope everything works out for you!
Your mother needs to CHILL OUT and realize this is not her baby. She should be encouraging YOU to do all of these things for your child -- picking out a crib, toys, etc and for you to be spending time with your child. As everyone else said, you definitely need to set boundaries now and make sure you STICK to them. Once you cave, its downhill from there....
Good luck..
You have to do what's best for you and for your baby.
Good luck. I hope she listens and respects you!