Wwyd? (repost from the loss board)

Tigger & pooh

So maybe this isn't a big deal and I am being overly sensitive but I was wondering how others would respond to this email.  My next door neighbor is Due april 14th two days before my due date would have been with Ella.  Today she sent an email to me and two other neighbors wondering if any of us could be on call to watch her son if when she goes into labor.  I don't know why this seems like such a blow to me, I know her baby eventually has to come,  its not her fault my little girl is gone.  but I just don't know if I want to know the exact time she goes into labor knowing I won't be having my baby.  I am being really selfish aren't I?  I am the only one around during the day so I really should tell her I can help out, but I really don't want to.  Wwyd?

rachael_c26

You're not being rude. You went through something that no mother should have to go through.

If you don't want to do it, for whatever reason, don't do it. If she's a good friend, she'd understand. Even if it means you have to take the extra step in explaining to her why you don't think that you can do it.

RondackHiker

Scout2005:

I would decline and leave it alone. You're not being selfish, but at the same time, there's nothing to really "do" about it. Yes, it was a bit insensitive of her if she knew your due date. But is this the sort of thing you guys would normally do for one another watching kids? If so, she may have just had a brain lapse and not realized how it would effect you.nbsp;

I agree with Scout.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

emriley84

I don't think it's rude. What you went through is very traumatic, and given the timing of everything, I don't blame you one bit. I would just explain to her the situation. She should understand. Or if you're not comfortable telling her, find another excuse. And don't feel guilty. This is a difficult time for you, and you need to take care of yourself.

Tigger & pooh

Scout2005:

I would decline and leave it alone. You're not being selfish, but at the same time, there's nothing to really "do" about it.

Yes, it was a bit insensitive of her if she knew your due date. But is this the sort of thing you guys would normally do for one another - watching kids? If so, she may have just had a brain lapse and not realized how it would effect you. 

I guess I am just not sure what to say or if I should just ignore the email?  She sent it to me and two other neighbors.  She is much closer to the other two neighbors but I am the only one home during the day.  I really feel bad for not wanting to help. Its not like me at all....

Luckie519

First, I am sorry for you loss.  I haven't been as active on here this past year as I have been other years, so I was not aware.  I had a miscarriage last April and took a semi-bump break, just to clear my head. 

I personally would not have sent the e-mail to you, but I am one of those people who put everyone else's feelings ahead of mine. 

I do not think you are being selfish at all.  If you aren't ready to do or you just plain can't, then say no. 

Tigger & pooh

mbenit4:

Tigger & pooh:

but I just don't know if I want to know the exact time she goes into labor knowing I won't be having my baby.  I am being really selfish aren't I?  I am the only one around during the day so I really should tell her I can help out, but I really don't want to.  Wwyd?

Everyone is different. Everyone grieves differently. If you are uncomfortable then I would let her know. If she is a friend then she should understand.

For me, I was hurt that I was left out of things like this after my loss. My friends and acquaintances left me out of all kinds of baby related stuff because they assumed it would be best. It hurt me.

Other babies and all stuff about them never bothered me. I just wanted mine. I felt shut out after my loss. I would just communicate how you feel and be done with it.

 

And this is exactly why I feel so crazy! Because I would probably feel bad if she left me out of the email too! GAWD! I think I may end up in a padded room!   I think just hearing that it is ok to feel sad about it is what I needed to know. 

cg0112358

emriley84:

I don't think it's rude. What you went through is very traumatic, and given the timing of everything, I don't blame you one bit. I would just explain to her the situation. She should understand. Or if you're not comfortable telling her, find another excuse. And don't feel guilty. This is a difficult time for you, and you need to take care of yourself.

ITA

bahamill

Tigger & pooh:

mbenit4:

Tigger & pooh:

but I just don't know if I want to know the exact time she goes into labor knowing I won't be having my baby.  I am being really selfish aren't I?  I am the only one around during the day so I really should tell her I can help out, but I really don't want to.  Wwyd?

Everyone is different. Everyone grieves differently. If you are uncomfortable then I would let her know. If she is a friend then she should understand.

For me, I was hurt that I was left out of things like this after my loss. My friends and acquaintances left me out of all kinds of baby related stuff because they assumed it would be best. It hurt me.

Other babies and all stuff about them never bothered me. I just wanted mine. I felt shut out after my loss. I would just communicate how you feel and be done with it.

 

And this is exactly why I feel so crazy! Because I would probably feel bad if she left me out of the email too! GAWD! I think I may end up in a padded room!   I think just hearing that it is ok to feel sad about it is what I needed to know. 

First, I am so sorry for your loss. You are not being rude or inconsiderate for declining. You need to take care of you. I don't think you need to give an explanation. If I were in your position, also depending upon my relationship with my neighbor, I would probably just simply state that it is a difficult time for you and you can't commit to anything right now.

I also want to add that I also think it's totally normal to be upset that you were included in her email but also be hurt if you hadn't been. So don't feel bad or crazy about that. Your feelings are what they are and you have every right to feel all of them, no matter how seemingly contradictory or confusing.

Helenahhandbasket

Hi T & P-- I am not familiar with your story, but I want to say that I am sorry for your loss.

If your neighbor knew you were pregnant (again-- sorry if this is off base, but I don't know how far along you were at the time of your loss) it's in really poor taste on her part.

Try to look at it from the perspective of someone who has not had a loss though-- maybe that will help you feel better about her asking?  If she has never had a loss, she could not possibly understand being triggered by this.  If that is the case, she is not asking you out of malice, but out of ignorance.

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to watch her kid.  Tell her you are sorry, you can't and make yourself busy that day.

Ms Adler

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss! 

I would not feel guilty about telling her no. You have to do what is right for you. I'm sure she will understand and be able to make other arrangements. 

Tigger & pooh

Helenahhandbasket:

Hi T & P-- I am not familiar with your story, but I want to say that I am sorry for your loss.

If your neighbor knew you were pregnant (again-- sorry if this is off base, but I don't know how far along you were at the time of your loss) it's in really poor taste on her part.

Try to look at it from the perspective of someone who has not had a loss though-- maybe that will help you feel better about her asking?  If she has never had a loss, she could not possibly understand being triggered by this.  If that is the case, she is not asking you out of malice, but out of ignorance.

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to watch her kid.  Tell her you are sorry, you can't and make yourself busy that day.

 

We lost our little girl at 20 wks due to a severe neural tube defect.  Yes the neighbor knows she brought over a sympathy card and stuff in December.  She really is in a no win situation so I can't really fault her. I think getting close to my due date is going to bring back a lot of emotions for me.

Helenahhandbasket

Tigger & pooh:

Helenahhandbasket:

Hi T & P-- I am not familiar with your story, but I want to say that I am sorry for your loss.

If your neighbor knew you were pregnant (again-- sorry if this is off base, but I don't know how far along you were at the time of your loss) it's in really poor taste on her part.

Try to look at it from the perspective of someone who has not had a loss though-- maybe that will help you feel better about her asking?  If she has never had a loss, she could not possibly understand being triggered by this.  If that is the case, she is not asking you out of malice, but out of ignorance.

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to watch her kid.  Tell her you are sorry, you can't and make yourself busy that day.

 

We lost our little girl at 20 wks due to a severe neural tube defect.  Yes the neighbor knows she brought over a sympathy card and stuff in December.  She really is in a no win situation so I can't really fault her. I think getting close to my due date is going to bring back a lot of emotions for me.

 

I think she didn't really think through about what asking you to watch her kid while she gives birth translates to, esp so close to your own due date.  

If it were me, and I wanted to clue her in on how I was feeling I would write her back a personal message and say something like "I would love to help you, but I am having a really hard time this month.  You giving birth is bringing up some tough feelings for me and I am afraid I am a bit checked out.  I hope you can find someone to help you out and I hope you can sympathize with my feelings."

Make it about you, and less about her and you feeling like she was rude for asking you to watch her kid.  Good luck to you.