Q for those with local parents/in-laws

MKDee

My mother and I have this on-going argument about how often my parents get to see my kids.  For background, my parents live 40 min away, and my in-laws are 25 min away, so while neither is next door, they are both local.  My mother has some major insecurities about the fact that we live closer to my in-laws and, therefore, she assumes we see my in-laws all the time.  She is extremely jealous of this, and frequently makes comments to my older DS about how she "never gets to see him," because "he spends so much time with his other grandma." As DS is three, he doesn't really know how to respond, and he will frequently repeat these comments to my MIL.  Obviously, this is very awkward.  The kicker is that we spend about the same amount of time with both--so much so that we often feel as if we are spending our weekends running between their two houses.  

 

We see each of them at least once over the weekend and generally once each during the week.  My mother usually babysits one of my kids for one workday each week (we pay for part-time daycare because of DH's flexible schedule) and my MIL often watches both of them on Friday nights (sometimes for overnights, which my mother says she is not comfortable doing).  Then we usually have dinner or lunch with each of them for one reason or another.  

 

Obviously, I need to talk to my mom about not guilt-tripping DS, but I am genuinely curious: how much do others see their local families?  The other thing that makes this difficult is that my parents believe that I should be coming to their house each time.  If we invite them over to our house, they are always at least 40 minutes late, and they complain about the distance every time.  It's not as if the distance is a new development.  We've lived here for 6 years. Our house is 10 minutes from my job (DH works from home), so moving is not in the cards right now.

 

 So, how often do you see your local family members?  

Vol4life

Well.. I work in the same office at MIL and my Mom and Grandmother watch DD while DH and I work.

I have some of the same issues you do as my Mom thinks we spend all of our free time with MIL. We don't. We probably do more things with MIL but it's because my Mom doesn't want to do the same things we do. Just remember that you won't ever make everyone happy. But your Mom needs to stop making the comments to DS, that's way out of line.

MKDee

Vol4life:

Well.. I work in the same office at MIL and my Mom and Grandmother watch DD while DH and I work.

I have some of the same issues you do as my Mom thinks we spend all of our free time with MIL. We don't. We probably do more things with MIL but it's because my Mom doesn't want to do the same things we do. Just remember that you won't ever make everyone happy. But your Mom needs to stop making the comments to DS, that's way out of line.

 

Yeah, her comments honestly don't bother me much anymore, because I know she's not going to be happy unless we move, which isn't going to happen.  The comments to DS, however, really bother me.  I will be addressing that with her tomorrow, when we  go to their house for lunch (of course!)

MamaAllison

We are in a very similar situation as you re: distance from my parents and in laws. We probably see my parents once or twice a week when they are at home they also have a house in FLA that they are at for about 2 weeks/ month in the winter. We see the in laws probably two or three times a month. We see my parents a little more b/c they will pick up DD from daycare if I ever have to work late, and they are just better in general about inviting us to do fun things and offering to help out. My in laws are decent about that too, they just prefer to have us bring DD to them and DH drives 2 hours a day for work so sometimes it's just not worth the free babysitting to get back in the car!

erbear

That sounds crazy. As does the amount of time you see them, frankly.

We see each set maybe once a month,sometimes more if we need a babysitter, but generally once or twice a month, 

jennyelf

My in-laws are 30 minutes away, so we see them about once or twice a month, typically for baby-sitting. That's a fair bit more than we used to see them pre-baby, which was every or every other month.

Meanwhile, my parents live either 3,000 or 12,500 miles away depending on the month. I see them once or twice a year. So we use skype. Having skype on my smart phone allows me to point the camera at LO easily so they can look at him. 

MrsKM82

My parents live 5 minutes away from us. I put DS to sleep at their house on Sunday night and pick him up early Tuesday afternoon after work since my mother (and a babysitter when my mom home is working from home) watches him on those days when both my husband and I work. We only spend time with them as a whole family (husband, me and baby) once every several weeks but I see them with DS at least a few times a week. My parents will also watch DS for dates nights every couple of weeks. I have a very close relationship with my family and so does DS. He is very bonded with my parents.

My inlaws live about an hour and a half away. They moved right when my husband and I got married to take care of my husbands grandparents.We see them about once a week or every other week. Since I started working, its very frustrating "sharing" my weekend time with my son. Its looking like they will be moving back down here again soon (like down the street), which will bring a whole new set of problems.

Since becoming pregnant my relationship with my MIL has severely deteriorated which is sad because we used to be so close. She is EXTREMELY jealous of my family (specifically my mother) and the relationship my DS has with them. She has done so many things to try to create a wedge between myself and my family (and also between me and my husband) including a lot of lying and a lot of drama. To be honest she fits the description of borderline personality perfectly and I know its only a matter of time when my DS is older she will start doing this to him as well which I will NOT allow to happen. She complains constantly that she NEVER gets to see DS although there has been time after time she CHOOSES not to seem him for whatever reason...usually resulting from whatever drama she has cooked up in her head.

She also says crap to him like "Oh, you don't know who I am",  "You like grandpa better" or "Your mommy doesn't trust me" which now that he is starting to understand  language well I am trying to stop asap. My son is not growing up dealing with her crap!

brettsmama

My mom lives about 6 minutes from us and we see her once a week. She probably comes to our house at least fifty percent of the time. She knows our time is spread thin. My step dad lives about 15 minutes from us and we see him about once every six weeks. We usually go to his house.

pitterpatter129

We used to live ten min from both sets.  A few months ago we moved and we are about a 40 min drive now.  We maybe saw one or the other on the weekend, not every single weekend though.  We take turns on which we beg to babysit if we really need a sitter.  Now we see them closer to once a month. 

kyks17Wed237779

My mom lives an hour away, my dad and his wife live 2 hours away (with my dad living just 1 hour away for half the week - long story). My mom has seen DS 3 times since he was born (she was here for 2 weeks when he was born, not that anyone asked her to stay), my dad and his wife have seen him also 3 times since he was born (at different times than my mom, and they were also here for a week when he was born, but stayed in a hotel to not impose on us).

I find it really, really strange that with them being this "close", they have only seen him because of holidays and birthdays - that's what all 3 visits were for. In contrast, my in-laws are in another state about 1000 miles away from us and will be visiting DS for the first time next month. If they lived as close as my parents do, I'm sure we would see them multiple times per month, that's the kind of people they are (and I love them and love seeing them, no IL difficulties for me, just for DH haha).

When they do visit, if it's my mom, she just comes over, takes a seat, sits there the entire day without saying hardly a word or taking a photo (which she claims to want so badly), stays until way later than is reasonable (like 1am), until we finally usher her out. If it's my dad and his wife, they come over, we go out for lunch, play cards at home while DS naps, then they leave usually within 5 or 6 hours of getting there. So, even when they come over, it's not much in the way of visiting with DS.

I just went back to work so I would not like to have to "share" my weekends either, at least not as a regular thing, but I feel like they should want to see him more. And actually get some quality time in with him when they do visit! I'm looking forward to my ILs visiting and seeing how much it differs from my own parents' visits.

Shelleybell

we see my parents once a week/ dh's parents once a month.

emberlee3

I was going to post a related question from the opposite perspective.  My parents live about 30 minutes away.  They were very involved with DS as a baby and have maintained a good relationship with him, but still only see him every 2-3 weeks.  Usually it is me calling to ask them to hang out with DS because his preschool is closed, or he really wants to visit their house, or whatever.  With DD, they have barely spent any time  with her since she was born.  She actually has stranger anxiety to them and won't let my mom give her a bottle.  It upsets me that they are strangers to my DD.  They have spent more time with my nephew who lives 10 hours away (he's 6 weeks older than DD).

shannm

Well, I can't answer your question bc they are not local but considering the distance between you and them, that seems like you see them a lot!  

And I am sorry your mom is being so awful with her comments and complaining about the distance.  That is nuts.  My dad makes comments about not seeing us often and I then remind him that the road runs both ways.  I don't understand why grown adult parents can't understand that it is easier for them to travel than for two full time working parents to pack up two kids and travel for overnight trips. 

Cristine

My parents live less then a mile away. We hardly ever go over to their house because there's nothing for my kids to do there. We see my dad a lot. He comes over at least once or twice a weekend and will often come by during the week to see the kids. He's a fantastic Grandpa. He really surpassed my wildest expectations.

 Now that they're not babies, my mother hardly sees them. She sees them maybe once a month. She'll stop by and take them out to dinner (usually at my dad's suggestion) and drop them off after about 2 hours.  She complains that they like my dad better than her but he puts in the time. If my inlaws lived closer I think she'd probably be a huge problem. My brother's MIL lives in the same town and My mother complains constantly that his kids are closer to his MIL. Which isn't surprising since like my dad she puts in time with the kids. My mother has a tendency to just be difficult though. She wants the kids to adore her but she doesn't really have interest in kids over a year.

groovygrl

Post like this make me a little glad that we don't live closer to family though I know ILs would rarely see us regardless and my mom would be happy with once a week, as she had a MIL that made her a little crazy so she is kind of hyper sensitive to that stuff...

that being said 4 visits with grandparents per week seems like an awful lot though two of them are child care related...you must have very little time on the weekends for just ou guys. I would personally alternate weekend activities with the others but that is just me. GL!

Cheerio B

My parents live about 15 minutes away. My mom comes over for dinner once a week. My dad comes once or twice a month. And then one Sunday a month we get together for lunch at my parent's house. My in-laws are 1000 miles away so we don't have to worry about two sets of parents at once.

Strunella

erbear:

That sounds crazy. As does the amount of time you see them, frankly.

My thoughts exactly.  You're seeing both sets of parents twice a week?  How do you have time to see anyone else or get anything done for that matter?  My inlaws live 20 minutes away, and we see them about twice a month.  Sometimes more if there's a family thing or if they come to babysit.  MIL will occasionally do a drive-by to drop something off and see DS.

My parents are one hour away and we see them about once a month.  Sometimes they come here and sometimes we go there.  Visiting with them is a little more challenging because my mom won't drive here by herself so she can only visit when my dad is available to drive.  I don't like going to their house because my mom smokes.  So visiting them means going out for lunch and to the mall. She's also made comments about MIL spending more time with DS and also questions them babysitting so much.  I keep telling her that they love it, and they do. 

We make time for our parents, but they also understand that we're busy with jobs and friends and have lots of things to do on the weekends.  The fact that you see them during the week is enough, isn't it?  I wouldn't be spending every weekend with them on top of that.  But that's just me.

id012

We see my parents well at least my mom at least once a week on Sundays for dinner. Sometimes more but they are busy ppl.
I see my fil randomly. Dh works with him SK they see each other every day. I'd say at least 2 times a month if not more but its always random..
Both my parents and dhs dad live within 10 mins of us. Mine the next town over and dhs in our town

laurakaz13

That sounds crazy. As does the amount of time you see them, frankly.

I agree withthe bolded.  Twice a week for both sets of parents?  Do you ever have time alone with your husband or friends?   Ever? 

I would put a stop to this, and I would warn your mother that she is not to make such comments to your DS again, ever!

littlestjerry

My in-laws live in town, and my parents live a 9 hour drive away.

 We see the in-laws usually once a week. We see my parents once every 3 months or so. I know it makes my mom sad that she's not close, and I'm sure she feels a little jealous of MIL, but she never guilt trips me or anything.

I think you should point out to your mom that you could live much much farther away and that many grandparents aren't lucky enough to live even 40 minutes from their grandchildren. I'm sorry that your mom is being so difficult, that would make me really mad...not to mention it's pretty obnoxious. 

EastCoastBride

To answer your question - my parents live about 10 mins away.  We see them a few times a week because they help get DS to preschool and watch him 2 days a week.

IL's are about 40 mins away and we seem them maybe once a month.  Maybe. 

To your issue, honestly, I have little tolerance for that crap.  YOu're mom needs to understand that it's not a competition and she needs to start focusing on the time she does have w/ your DS - not about the time your ILs have w/ him.

ANd really- the comments TO your son?  Id' be blunt and tell her it needs to stop or she will actually start seeing him less.  It's not his fault/ his problem.  Do NOT make him feel guilty Ever.

And they want you to go to them?  First, I wouldn't.  At least not every time.  And when they gripe, I'd remind her "You're the one who complains about not seeing DS more.  So... it's your choice.  Come over - ON TIME - and you'll get more time.  If you want us to come ot you, then yo uwon't see him as much".

itsmevkb

My parents are local and my in-laws are out of state.  Oddly, my in-laws probably spend more overall time withe the kids than my local parents do.  My kids don't see my parents every week and sometimes go easily three weeks without seeing them.  My mom will sometimes take one to a zoo class or another to a hockey game but she really never does something will all four of them and only sees the youngest two if I bring them to her house as she's not comfortable taking them out (and I don't blame her).

My in-laws visit maybe once every other month and when they are here they will take the three oldest kids for the entire day and sometimes even overnight and end up spending far more hours with them than my parents every do.  My MIL will sometimes make comments about how my parents must see the kids all the time and how she wishes she could do that (which she could as they are retired and used to live here but moved away well after we had the older kids so they chose to move away from their grandkids.)  It drives me crazy.

Jenn06L80

We live a mile away from my parents.  DH doesn't have parents, only a grandmother who lives 30 minutes away.  

We see my parents 3-5 times a week.  My dad watches DD on Tuesdays.  DH goes to see his grandmother at least once a week.   DD and I go once a month.  

 

Five Months to Plan

My parents live less than 20 mins away and mi ILs less than 10. We see my IL, including SILs, nieces, nephew etc at least once a week. My MIL makes dinner for the whole family every Sunday night. We also see MIL and sometimes FIL maybe 1-2 more times a week. They will stop by for a short visit becuase they have to pass our house to go almost anywhere. We see my parents at least once a week many times it can be upwards of 4-5 times a week. DH right now is a work from home dad. He can make his own schdule so many times he works in evening after I get home. But if he has a meeting during the day or I do at night 3 of the 4 grandparents are retired so someone will help out. 

E&RMommy

I am really, reall sorry.

Mine live 20 minutes away.

We see them about once every 4 weeks.  My mom retired and told everyone at work that she was retiring to spend time with our kids.  She rarely ever comes over.  She will come over for about an hour before she goes and has lunch with her old work friends.  Total after-thought.

Our kids our 2.5 years old and they don't really know my dad.  DH's mom who lives in another state comes to visit and has spent more collective time with them.

It's very sad and disappointing.

MKDee

OP here.  Thanks all.  You pretty much confirmed what I thought, which is that we are spending a considerable amount of time with them already.  To the PPs who asked if we ever have time for ourselves, the answer is "not much," but we make do.  We get regular date nights, thanks to MIL and FIL babysitting on many Friday nights, and other than that, we usually just stay up very late on the weekends to get cleaning and laundry done to make up for whatever time we spent socializing with family.  Occasionally, we'll take a few weekends "off" from visiting anyone and just spend time as a family of four (we always tell the grandparents that they are welcome to come to us on those days, but my parents rarely take us up on that).  Of course, we did that twice at the end of February, and my mom responded by making her passive aggressive comment to DS1.

 

My conversation with my mom today did not go well, but frankly, I didn't expect it to.  She didn't understand what she did "wrong," since, in her mind, we DO see my IL's more, and she said she was "just stating fact."  I asked her to refrain from stating that particular "fact" to either of my children again, because DS1 was upset about it.  I also reminded her that I consider my children to be very blessed to have two sets of grandparents who are so actively involved in their lives.  I don't think I'll convince her to change her perspective, so I'll just need to keep watching what she says to the kids.  If this doesn't stop, I'll have to make a change, and it will probably mean my kids will spend less time with my parents.  It sucks, but I have to protect them first and foremost.

EastCoastBride

This is passive agressive and I'm not really saying do it, but I'd SO love to be like "You know what Mom - we might actually start spending more time with them.  Simply because they don't try to make us feel guilty for the time we spend with you.  They are becoming more enjoyable to be around than you....". 

MKDee

EastCoastBride:

This is passive agressive and I'm not really saying do it, but I'd SO love to be like "You know what Mom - we might actually start spending more time with them.  Simply because they don't try to make us feel guilty for the time we spend with you.  They are becoming more enjoyable to be around than you....". 

 

Believe me, the thought of saying something like this is very, very tempting! 

samiam052

My parents and in-laws all live within 10 minutes of me. My mom watches DS 3 days a week and the other two days we have a daycare. We see my parents as a family (DH, DS, and me) once every two weeks. My in-laws we see about the same amount of time. I am so lucky though because if my in-laws want to see DS they will call and ask to come over or have a family dinner so they can see everyone. Also, my sister-in-law sometimes watches DS if my mom can't. I feel like although my mom sees him the most that we spend a fair amount of time between both families.

michaelaskedlauren

I honestly cannot even imagine spending as much time as you do with my family or my in-laws. My evenings and weekends are for me to relax and spend time with my little family. I give you credit for having all that energy!

For us, we see our families about once a month depending on what is going on. If there are family "events" it may be more, but yeah, Id say once a month. Both live about an hour away, and we always go to their respective homes, which is annoying at times, but it is what it is.

I honestly think you need to take some of your family time back. Yeah, its nice that the grandparents want to spend so much time with your kids, but as PPs said, what about your solo time with your kids and/or spouse.

jf198400

We live 30mins from my parents and 5mins from my IL's.  We see them often, but it sounds like you see your families A LOT.  I see my mom the most b/c she comes to help with the kids, picks them up from daycare if they're sick, takes them to the DR, babysits if I have to work late or something.  I'd say I see her at least once every 2 weeks.  We don't go over to my parents house that often b/c my mom is always coming to my house.  I guess we go over there maybe once every other month.  Neither of us thinks the 30min drive is bad.  My mom is not jealous at all that we live so close to my IL's, and honestly we see her more often than them.  (It helps that my mom does not work so she has a lot of time to spend at my house.)

My IL's live basically down the road from us.  We see them maybe twice a month.  Sometimes they babysit for a date night, sometimes they come by our house for an hour to see the kids, and they invite us to Sunday night dinner maybe once a month (or slightly less often).  My MIL still works FT as a teacher.  I think she would come over more often if she wasn't working. 

cindybaf

Wow, you see them a lot. My parents live 15 minutes away so they come over once or twice a week. We don't go to their house because its like a museum. Glass and porcelain everywhere. Plus the tv is in the basement so there's nowhere to hang out near the kitchen. Anyway, ILs are 45 minutes away and we see them very little. Thanksgiving, Xmas, birthdays, Easter. They could live in another state for all we care. We have to go see them. They live near to nothing, so we order pizza. Mil doesn't cook either so it's not like she's getting a meal together or anything. She thinks her house is so wonderful and that we should come and spend weekends with her. She's just lonely, sounds like your mom is too. I'd discourage those comments to your son, I don't know how I'd tell her though.

cas3ymari3

We live 5 minutes from my parents and I see them atleast 5 days a week but usually everyday. ( I am the secretary for my dads landscaping business) However I only see my mom a few times a week bc she doesnt come down to the office much and when DS and I come over on weekends we go down to the barn to play with the animals. H's Parents live 20 minutes away and we see MIL maybe once a month and FIL prob 3x a year.

mrskelly731

My parents live 3 hours away.  We see them (either go there or they come to us) about once a month.  We do skype once or twice a week so they can see DD.  My IL's live about 7 minutes away.  MIL comes over every Sunday to 'pop over' for about 30 minutes to see DD.  She will ask to watch S on Friday's if they don't go to their lake house for the weekend. Which is maybe once a month.

rubber_chicken

it would drive me nuts to see my parents that much, let alone my inlaws.  We visit my parents (out of state) maybe 4 times a year, and we see my inlaws about every other month.  for us, this is just right.  i have no idea how our parents feel about it, because i'm not particularly interested in doing anything differently.

Mustardseed2007

My mom and older sister watch DS while I'm at work so they see him daily. We live about 15 minutes away from them.

My ILs live 30-40 minutes away. We see them every few months, on average, although tehre are times when we see them more often, like monthly.

We usually ask my younger sister or my ILs to babysit on the weekends, but not my parents since they watch him so much during the week.

But since my ILs live farther away than my sister does, we tend to turn to her for baby sitting first, all else being equal.

My ILs are very understanding people, though, at least hwen it comes to stuff like this. We've never had a problem on their end with jealousy. If the situation was reversed, though, and we lived near my ILs my mom would probably be having woe is me moments like yours. It's just her personality.