need advice for my brother

lily_721

Hi ladies, I need some advice for my brother and his newly developed custody problems.  My BF was pre-existing, we are lucky enough to not need to involve BM in our lives, and I wasn't around in the early years of the DH and BM's divorce. 

Backstory:  brother is an idiot.  He and his unstable (ex)gf decided it would be "fun" to have a baby.  She is unemployed (and plans to always be this way) and he was underemployed (now unemployed).  They couldn't afford  their apartment and moved in with my parents.  Her family/friends gave her very little towards the baby.  It was the saddest shower I have ever been.  My parents, sister, and I have given everything. 

Baby was born a month ago (2/1), crazy girl has already taken the baby and went to her parents.  She hasn't let my brother see the baby for the last week.  Her parents called my dad yesterday and said they are all done with her and he needs to take her back (?!).  Um... she's their daughter.  Anyway, she told my mom that she is going to pick up all of "her" stuff aka baby's things. 

It is such an ugly mess but something we all knew would happen.  This girl has had previous circumstances of unfaithfulness.  When the baby popped out with red hair, we all gave her the side-eye.  We do not have an ounce of red hair in our family and she has only been able to think of some distant relatives several generations back on her side.  Side eye again.  Brother refuses to believe this is not his child.

Clearly he needs to begin the custody request.  How does he begin?  What type of documentation does he need to do?

I feel so bad for this poor baby.  The poor little girl was simply born to the wrong parents.  My sister and parents have already offered to take the baby while ex-gf gets her sh*t together.  However, it would negatively effect her state aid (yes, this is the kind of person we are dealing with).

karatechrissy

Is he on the birth cert? If not he will need a paternity test done to prove he is the father to start the process of requesting visitation.

lily_721

karatechrissy:

Is he on the birth cert? If not he will need a paternity test done to prove he is the father to start the process of requesting visitation.

He is on the birth certificate.  He refuses to believe that this is not his baby.  Not that I expect every child to resemble his/her parents, but this baby looks nothing like either of them.

twister22

On the not being your brother's kid thing - Meh. DS didn't look like me or BD as a baby, and now you can clearly tell that he is our kid. He is the perfect mix of both of us. And red hair can appear out of no where. Genetics are crazy. Maybe it's not your brother's kid, but it very well could be.

If he's serious about custody he should file first thing Monday morning. Let him make his decisions about his life though, and don't push him to do certain things. If he asks for advice, by all means give it, but I wouldn't push him.

dmndsr4eva

I think your brother can just go down to the family court and ask for the paper work to file a motion for emergency custody and/or time sharing.  I tend to think this whole thing is going to get really ugly.  Unless she calms down and starts being reasonable with him he could go without seeing the baby until he gets in front of a judge.  But if that happens he will need to be prepared to prove that she kept him from his child.  He should document all efforts made to see his child.  I don't necessarily think he has to have a lawyer but it would probably be worth the money.

Honestly him trying to be kind to her is in his best interest.  All people want is to be treated kindly.  If he can just try to talk to her and calm her down hopefully she will let him spend time with his child.  

Of course if that fails  he has no choice but to go through the family courts.  Once he gets an emergency temporary order they will be required to go through court mediation to come up with a parenting plan.  If they cannot agree eventually a judge will decide.  Your brother will be dealing with her and probably the court system for the next 18 years.  It's really in everyone's best interest to treat each other respectfully and try to work things out in a respectful manner.  (Easier said then done.)

MrsBPO

Right now your brother is in the thrall of new fatherhood and is also not accepting that his ex is rather not a good thing.  I feel sorry for the baby, honestly, and also rather annoyed that you are miffed that she wants "her" things - they're not *her* things they are the *baby's* things and as long as your brother is on the birth certificate he is the father and that child is part of your family, like it or not.

I am now going to dispense with NOT LEGAL advice since I am not an attorney.

 Washington state requires that if the parents are not married the father's name must be added to the birth certificate and it is not automatically assumed.  They generally require the consent of the father; the mother cannot unilaterall name a father on the birth certificate.  As a secondary mechanism, the father (if they are not married) has a period of time (sixty days) to file with the courts a document called a Rescission of Paternity, where he tells the court there was a mistake and he is not the father.  He doesn't have to prove he's not the father, but will have to swear under oath and by affidavit that it is not his child.  It is different if the couple was married because then he is the *presumed* father by law and automatically, legally the parent until testing proves otherwise.  With her getting state aid, they will be looking for a father for the baby so they can collect child support to reimburse the state for what they are paying her and for her to be able to collect child support and get off state aid.  Your state will be different but it may have this same or a similar mechanism to have him removed (even temporarily) as the father.

Once he is removed as the father, because she is on state aid, the state will come looking for the baby's father and they will provide a paternity test (free of charge.)  With the paternity test done, it will confirm whether he is the biological father or not.  At that point he can decide how he wants to continue.

All this presupposes that he WANTS to disentangle himself from the relationship, which it sounds like it doesn't.  Remind him that if he doesn't do this, he will be tied to this woman for the next 18 years and possibly beyond that, fighthing to see the child, dealing with her manipulations, possible parental alientation and all that good stuff that many women here have dealt with.  The above is a way he can get out in the event he is not the bio-dad, but will prove once and for all whether he is or not, without costing him more than a filing fee (and he can get assistance for that if he's not able to afford it.)

In the event he doesn't want to remove himself from the baby's life, you all need to accept that he IS the baby's father, red hair or not, and you all need to love this child because s/he is going to need it with everything s/he will be put through because of her parents, so be prepared to love and accept because that IS (and will be) your brother's child, period.  If mom cheated, that's not your brother's baby's fault.  Honestly, YOU have the problem of whether to accept this child into your family because it sounds like your brother already has.  For all you know, this IS your brother's biological child.  My oldest, my DD1, is a true redhead among redheads.  I'm brunette with gold and copper highlights, my ex has walnut (dark) brown hair with no red in his family that we know about, but we ended up with a Duracell Coppertop at birth and even more so 28 years later, and I can tell you for a fact that it was his sperm and my ovum that created that little red-haired zygote.

The advice I have for you to give to your brother is above.  My advice to YOU is this: it is his choice to decide whether he accepts this child as his and nobody else's choice.  You need to accept whatever decision he makes.  You do this because you love your brother, warts and all, and you love family.  This child is his family. 

Nineoceans

If your brother is an adult your parents need to butt out and stop enabling him.

That means he gets his own attorney, raises his own child and gets his own job and place to stay that can accommodate a baby. That's the only advice I have. Anything else will not benefit your brother or the child in the long run and when the child is 10 you will be dealing with the same issues as you are today