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Working Moms
thespianlawyer
member
DH Vent
thespianlawyer
member
in Working Moms
Sorry for the vent, I just need to get this off my chest.
I need to have a conversation with DH about division of household duties. We both work long hours and have limited time during the day when we are both awake and home to talk to each other. And now we have a long term houseguest, who is always there, and I'm not really comfortable bringing up our marriage "issues" in front of her, which is why this conversation hasn't happened yet.
I'm just tired of feeling like I'm the only one who ever does any of the household chores. I do all the dishes (except when our houseguest does them occasionally, which is great) and the laundry and the picking up and the feeding of the baby and putting her to bed. DD is still breastfed, so I have to be the one to feed her, and then we go into bedtime routine right after, so it makes sense for me to do that, which is fine. It's just that the whole process takes about an hour, and it would be REALLY nice if (on the days he is home during bed time routine) DH could take that time to do the dishes and a little pick up around the house so that when I'm done, I don't emerge from the baby's room to a disaster of a house. But instead, he's usually playing video games or something.
Last night I was so frustrated/exhausted that I just went straight to bed after putting DD down.
A few caveats: DH is really good about helping me when DD wakes up in the middle of the night and we tag team until she finally goes back to sleep for good. Also, our houseguest is a very good houseguest and we get along really well. She cleans up after herself and has cooked several meals for us and has done the dishes and helped clean the house . . . now if only I could get DH to follow her lead . . .
I feel better just having written everything out. Thanks for listening (er, reading)!
Check out my blog on Guinevere's growth: http://brendasbabybumpblog.blogspot.com/
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH Vent
Well it sounds like you need to specifically talk to him about this, which you probably know. My DH really s u c k s at reading my mind, and I am the same.
He's also probably a little lazy and is doing what he's doing b/c you haven't specifically complained. Is it right? No. But it's not going to change until you address it.
If you don't want to complain in front of your house guest, you should ask to speak to him privately in your bedroom or something (which will be kinda awkward but it might get the job done) or go out on a date night one evening and tell him this stuff.
You need to have that conversation with your DH. Otherwise, you are going to resent that he doesn't help even more. Going to bed upset without talking about issues isn't healthy. I guess I don't see how having this conversation with him would be "brining up your marriage issues" infront of your houseguest. Just do it in private when she is not around or do it over lunch when it is just him and you.
I have a tendency to not ask for help a lot and DH would just assume that I didn't need help when I really did. You need to speak up when you need help, talk to DH about the division of stuff. Tell him exactly what you need help with and don't skirt around the issues. Once I did that with DH, he has become a lot more helpful and I find that I don't need to constantly ask him.
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
For one, you want the dishes done while you're putting DD to bed? Then say "Honey- I'm going to put DD down. Could you please do the dishes while I'm doing that?".
Yes, I know you want him to just "do it" - but... he doesn't. So ask/tell him to do it.
Second, find a time to talk. make it happen. Before you go to bed, or go for a walk around the neighborhood, or... make the time to be alone to talk.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You need to speak up, just start saying - hey, can you load the dishwasher while I'm putting the baby down or "can you fold the laundry tonight" etc. just be specific - he doesn't know.
This and also a little of what the other poster wrote. If I don't specifically tell my DH I want help, he just assumes everything is a-okay and will watch tv or whatever while I run around. I used to resist giving him certain tasks or saying, I really need you to do x,y,z, because I felt he should know these things needed to be done and I shouldn't have to mother him. But that just led to him doing less and me doing more, and being PO'd about it.
We came up with certain things that DH regularly is responsible for, and I now speak up when I want him to do something. Not in a get your lazy butt of the couch way, but in a "hey can you please take care of this honey" way.
You have to speak up or this will just fester, and I don't see why you can't have the conversation in your room at night even if you have a houseguest. I would not even start with "here are all of the things you are not doing", but just say "here is a list of things that need to get taken care of just about every night and it is a lot for one person. If we both tackle this we will have more time to hang out together so do you mind if we just split this up now? I was thinking you could handle a,b,c while I am putting the baby to bed."
Also, if there are a couple of things that need to be taken care of, I will ask my husband which one he wants to do. So if the dog needs to go out and lunches need to be made, I just say "honey would you rather let the dog out or make lunches?" Then it's not a yes-no question - he has to choose one or the other, but at the same time I am volunteering to do the other thing so he realizes I am taking care of things too.
You guys are all correct. Whoever it was that mentioned telling him what I needed as I go to put the baby down absolutely nailed it on the head. DH and I have had this conversation before where I ask for more help around the house (and give him specifics of what needs to be done), but he never seems to remember at the time I need it done. So if I don't tell him what I want, when I want it, it won't get done. We have a friend who is always complaining about her husband not doing what she wants him to do, but she NEVER tells him and she expects him to read her mind. We've had several conversations about how that's just ridiculous. Maybe motherhood is messing with my mind and I'm accidentally slipping into that category and now I'm a super hypocrite . . . gosh I hope not!
Also, I completely agree that I need to let DH put DD down sometimes. I would hate for her to not ever let anyone else put her down (though she seems to do ok so far whenever I have to work late and DH does get to put her down).
DH here, no matter how many convos we have, tends to be reactive at home. He washes underwear when he has none. He unloads the dishwasher when he needs a bowl and there are none in the cabinet. He asks me to buy things from the grocery store hours after I have arrived home because he just noticed he is out of something.
The only thing that has thus worked here is a loosely assigned list of tasks and deadlines. For example, all towels are washed and all trash is emptied by the end of the weekend.
So I suggest not only a convo, but a very concrete conversation.
We had this exact issue when DS was about that age. I ended up giving DH a very specific list of things that one of us should do each evening while the other puts DS to bed. It really irritated me to even do that, because I felt like if I can look around and see what needs to be done, why can't he!? But, he just doesn't. I dunno.
So, lately DS is really into mama and will only let me put him to bed. DH has really taken over the kitchen as his responsibility entirely. He cleans up, puts things away, gets the coffee pot ready for morning, and even gets lunches together. It's been great and now that he's used to it he has really made it part of his daily routine and even does other little things without me specifically asking. It just took some time.
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I'm a fan of leaving no room for gray area as far as the divison of chores. DH and I have split up everything 50/50 and therefore there's no question as to who does what. Sometimes we'll ask each other which chore the other person wants, but it's known that if I do one thing DH will do the others. Our big ones are the following:
I cook - DH does the dishes and cleans the kitchen (this is pretty set becasue DH is a crappy cook). I will try and do some dishes as I cook to lighten the load.
One of us bathes DS - the other one gets him dressed
One person is in charge of brushing teeth and potty - the other reads the bed time story.
One person cleans bathrooms - the other does floors and dusting
DH puts laundry in washer/dryer - I fold laundry
This is sort of how it works in our house. We kind of just do other chores while the one person does something else. For example I almost always feed the girls (because I think DH sucks at it) and I feel like I can make them eat more. Then after that either he gives the girls a bath or I do. Whoever isn't giving the girls baths is cleaning up after dinner.
It works out fairly well but unfortunately no matter what we do it is most definitely NOT 50/50. Yes this is the year 2013 and all that good stuff. And my husband is a good guy but it just isn't 50/50. For every one thing he does, I do 5. This might be my OCD personality but it's just the way it is. And you honestly have to come to peace with the fact that one person might do more than the other or one person does things better. As long as it works for your family, you can't live resenting the other person.
I still try not to "resent" my DH for not doing as many things as I do around the house because he does a lot, but again it's just not equal. And I think this stems from me being the one who breastfeeds and puts the babies down in our house, if this makes sense.
So, going back to the OP you just have to tell him, Hey I'm going to put the baby down. WASH THE FREAKING DISHES. Period. My husband is quite capable of not doing certain things unless I specifically ask him to do them.
This post was more of a rant but good luck, I struggle with the division of chores in our house and I'm working on getting it more evened out, but I just don't think it ever will be even, or perhaps better yet, it won't be to my liking.
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Aw, I'm sorry you and DH aren't on the same page with this
I think you're right, that you should really say something to him... maybe you and DH could go to dinner and talk? See if your house guest would be able to watch DD? I agree it's the kind of thing you don't want to discuss in front of anyone, but it's definitely something you guys should talk over.. I can understand it when the wife is a SAHM, and might have free time during the day to do some chores/housework.. but, when you're both out of the house, you guys really need to work together in order to get things accomplished without completely stressing out one partner!
I hope he's receptive to your conversation! Maybe creating a schedule would help? Like, while one of you is doing the dishes, the other switches up a load of laundry? Or one night of the week after DD is in bed, you guys each take an hour or 2 and get some of the housework done together? Then you won't feel as much like you're doing it all while he's not..!
This may be part of it, too. I know it may just be the way you worded it, but it sounds like you are setting up a situation where you are in charge of everything (how it's done, when it's done, etc.) and DH is the "helper". In my opinion, until you and your DH both see the house and childcare responsibilities as a shared responsibility, things won't change much. You will be directing him like you'll be directing your LO when she's older and you want her to do chores. To do this, though, you will have to give up having things done when you want them, the way you want them, in the order you want them. That's the trade off.
DH and I both work full time. We both have a son, house, pets, bills, and a yard to take care of. We divide and conquer. We are both responsible to see that our son's needs are met, the dog gets fed, bills are paid on time, etc. Certain tasks usually fall to one of us or the other (he mows the yard, I cook) but I can mow the yard if needed and he can cook.