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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
Gah!! Just grow up or something
CFjo2010
member
When I picked K up from school today she says to me, "My mom said you have to drop me off at A's tonight because we're house sitting there.". Um, ok... I told K that if plans from what we normally do then her mom needs to talk to her dad and that everything will get figured out, and she doesn't need to worry about it. I really hate when BM does this. Just text/call my husband with your message/request/demand, don't tell the 7 year old to issue orders.
Then as we're driving home K tells me that she needs to get back early and go to bed early tonight because her mom's boyfriend has to be up early. Wait, huh? I asked K what she meant (thinking I misunderstood what day she was talking about) and she says that since they're house sitting, BM's boyfriend is staying with them at the house and since he has to be up early, they're all going to bed early. Seriously? Seriously BM? You're playing house with your bf while you're supposed to be house sitting? I didn't realize she was still in High School...
I know there's really nothing to do about it, I just wanted to vent. DH isn't dropping K off early, and he's not driving an extra 20 minutes to drop K off at the friend's house. He feels that since BM didn't speak to him directly, there's no need to really discuss the "change of plans". I just wish she would grow up. You're 30 years old, act like it and set a better example for your daughter. What is this teaching K? It certainly isn't teaching her to respect other people's homes and belongings.
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Re: Gah!! Just grow up or something
BM lives with her mom and shares a room with K. The boyfriend never stays the night and K hasn't even seen him in a few weeks. I think it's sending the wrong message to K. Plus, shouldn't K be in her own bed during the school week, not having a sleepover at someone else's home?
It bothers me that BM pitched this HUGE fit when DH, my kids and I moved in a few months before the wedding, but this arrangement is totally ok with her. Um, I had a ring on my finger and she does not. Hypocrite, thy name is BM.
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So you did stay over before you were married. And now you have a problem with BM doing it. Or is it that you have a problem with the fact that BM had a problem?
Either way you are both apparently ok with it.
She should definitely have text/ called your DH - childish that she did not. Given the information he should definitely have text / called her - childish that he did not.
Staying over on a school night - SD will survive!
I don't see any real 'issues' here. However, it seems to me that you carry a lot of resentment and the smallest things about BM drive you nuts. Can't say I blame you (I know the backstory!)
I point this out from a place of caring about you! Its like drinking poison! Every time she gets under your skin and you feel that burning sensation in the pit of your stomach your body is being pumped with chemicals and a little piece of your day is lost forever.
For your own well being come to terms with her. It will be so freeing FOR YOU!
I wanted to add something to what Phantom said. You said the following to SD, "I told K that if plans from what we normally do then her mom needs to talk to her dad and that everything will get figured out, and she doesn't need to worry about it." I know that it is wrong for BM to put SD in the middle of adult discussions but saying this back to SD is no better. You essentially told her that her Mom was wrong to talk to her and put her right back in the middle when you intended to do the opposite. I really think you just need to tell her that you or Daddy will talk to BM and leave it at that. Then in private DH could tell BM that she needs to talk to him and not put SD in the middle and he will not oblige requests that come from a kid. Hopefully if you keep saying no to BM because she did not ask you guys then she will learn she will always lose. And I know that BM is irrational and a petty person that never seems to put SDs needs first and I know that you love SD and want what is best for her. I think that like Phantom said the resentment sometimes is clouding things for you.
It sounds like your family and BM have had some tough times and I am sorry for that. I do hope they start to improve and communications can become a little more clear.
I do want to add something I have noticed in the past. Sometimes kids have a way of saying things. Maybe SD was excited about spending the night somewhere different and just used her mom as a way to ensure you guys would be cooperative in taking her out to the different house. I know that sometimes the things that come out of my mouth do not seem to translate right out of my son's mouth and could be misinterpreted just by changing up a couple words. Maybe BM had talked to SD and really had no demands. Yes, she probably should have talked to you guys before even saying anything to SD about the sleepover, but sometimes things happen. I think that in that circumstance you or your DH should have tried to clarify the plans and if she really did have expectations outside the norm you could redirect her and tell her you would not be willing to cooperate with changing plans. That would then give her opportunities to come up with solutions.
Staying at another person's house on a school night would bug me too.
Where I am stuck though is...so SD tells you what the plan is, ie where she is to be dropped off that night. While I agree that BM should have discussed with DH...how did SD feel between telling you and not being taken where she was in her mind supposed to be? If she knew DH was telling BM no I think no big deal.
I get what you're saying, and I know that at times I let the really small things get under my skin when it comes to BM. My issue about the "sleepover" is the BF that is staying there is the same BF that BM has been onagain offagain with for the last 3 years. The same BF who goes away for weekends with his ex, and BM cries to K about it. Then K comes here telling us that BM is sad and that the BF is mean to her mom. Each time they get back together K tells us she thinks they're going to get married "this time". I understand that as adults we have BF's and GF's spend the night and I think as long as its a healthy committed relationship then the kids aren't going to be hurt by seeing this. But this "relationship" BM is in isn't healthy and he's definitely not committed. So what is it showing K? That it's ok to let someone treat you badly as long as they're nice sometimes? I just hope K doesn't grow up thinking that sort of relationship is ok.
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I didn't think of it that way, and I'll be sure to talk to K today about it. K needs to know that there are some things that are to be discussed between adults and that she doesn't need to be involved until everything is sorted out. We have this problem a lot unfortunately. I think K is starting to figure out that she can't really listen to BM. This has been going on for years. BM would tell K, "Daddy will take you to see the movie this weekend", and leave us to be the jerks that disappoint K since we had other plans.
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IMO, living together weeks before your wedding is very different than shacking up with a random boyfriend/girlfriend. Kids get the message that casual sex is ok and should be expected from TV/Movies - they don't need their parents reinforcing it.