What to do?

tammi!!

So I mostly just lurk around here (I just found this board) but you ladies have some really good advice so I was hoping maybe you could help me.... this will probably be long.

My DD (8yrs old) lives with me, my husband, and our baby year round. I am in the military so there is a large physical distance between my DD and her dad. We divorced when she was 3 but we lived in the same area until I had to move when she was almost 6. She has seen her dad 1 time, for 24 hours, since we moved. Only because we were visiting family in the area and I let him know we were there and offered a day. I do not try to keep her from him but honestly, the less I have to deal with him the happier I am. He is remarried with some SDDs and a son with his wife. Who does not like me but I don't know why. The first few months after we had moved here he called her (my DD) every week. Then towards the end of the year some crap came up in his life and he called, but only to talk to me for advice. As soon as things started settling down again for him, WE had to reach out to his family to get a contact number for him (he had changed phone numbers) so that my DD could talk to her dad. they talked maybe once every few weeks. The last time she talked to him was on christmas day 2012 now. Even after I texted (so it was in writing. He doesn't have an email address... or so he says) telling him we were moving again and though it won't be to where he is, it will be much closer than we are now. I let him know that during the move, since her school will start later, maybe he would like to have a week visit with her. He jumped at the chance. But that was 2 months ago (I got orders in January) and he STILL hasn't called her. She never asks about him so it's not like I have to make any stories up for her, and we (my H and I) never discuss him when she is even in the same building as we are. The CO is pure crap and was based on him staying in the military and moving away and put my DD moving to a different parent each school year. We have never followed it because he got kicked out and we both know it is crap.

Ok, so through all that, my question is.... do I still act like she is going to spend a week with him during the summer? What if he doesn't contact her at all? I have a 1 reach out to him rule for myself because their relationship is not my responsibility if he doesn't intend to work on it himself.

stephcarter

Hi! 

We've been in situations similar to yours more than once. If I were you I would still assume she is going to spend the week with him but don't make any plans that could be completely ruined if he doesn't show. 

A few years ago, my SD would go weeks without seeing or hearing from her mom and she was only 10 mins away. But then she would show up out of left field for the times she had made solid plans to see her (like events with her family). 

All you can do is hope for the best. It's sad because kids need to be able to rely on their parents and that's not always the case. It sounds like you and your DH are very supportive of your DD which is exactly what she needs.  Thumbs up to you!!!

tammi!!

Thanks for the advice! It's nice to know people have been there too. I think I kind of knew I should assume she was still spending the time with him, but to just play it by ear. I hate that he doesn't talk to her, but it's his loss. She's awesome.

J&A2008

I would not talk to her about seeing her father unless he's made some concrete plans and talked to you about it.

I'm so sorry.  There are several families on this board with absent or near-absent bio-parents.  It is tough on the kids, and a tough road for an involved parent to navigate.

lb1212

IMO, there's a difference in protecting the absentee parent and protecting the child. Don't lie if DD asks a direct question, but I don't think there's a need to get her hopes up on seeing her dad if he's not even calling her on a regular basis. Since he's practically a stranger, and it sounds like the new wife and kids are definitely strangers, I'd be wary of letting my kid spend a week in their house.

Also, aside from keeping him informed of moving and emergency or serious health issues regarding SD and anything else spelled out in your CO, don't contact him. I'd also look into getting the CO changed immediately!

You say you have no idea why the new wife doens't like you. My guess, the new wife found out that your xh was "Then towards the end of the year some crap came up in his life and he called, but only to talk to me for advice" - if my DH turned to his ex instead of me, I'd be super pissed.

tammi!!

She has hated me since before she even knew me. The crap he called me about was because of her. I advised him to talk to his lawyer, his family, and his wife and that unless he was calling to talk to DD to please leave me out of it. I had to tell him to stop calling me at work and eventually it stopped. I know it might have seemed like I was saying she doesn't like me and then follow it up with his life turmoil stuff, but the times between all of that was long. They got together right when we got divorced and they deployed right away together. She had no clue who I was until after their deployment and right before mine.

 I don't tell my DD her dad is going to call, or that she is going to see him at a certain time. I knew we were going to be in the area that one christmas and didn't even tell her then until the day before we were heading for her to see him and I only did then because he confirmed (after I called him) that he still was available. I have since dropped the rope. It is not my responsibility to maintain a relationship between the 2 of them. I do not speak to him. Since I am in HI and he is not I have been unable to change the CO without a huge expense that I just can't swing right now. As soon as we move I will be better able to make the adjustments. Though his lack of interest in her makes me extremely angry (he plays daddy of the year to EVERYONE) she will one day be able to decide on if she wants to have contact so I try not to ever let my feelings for the situation cloud protecting her from his assishness.