What should I have done- someone else's child!

KatieKT

While we were at playgroup today there was a toddler running around from child to child ripping toys out of their hands. He came up to my son and I and I was rolling a hoop for my son. He tried to grab the hoop from my hand but I didn't let go. He then threw himself down on the floor next to me and screamed. I held my hand out to him to help him up but he kept screaming. His mother was talking with another mom and was not paying attention when he was playing not so nicely with others but then looked at me strangely when he was crying. He continued to act that way the whole hour. My question is, as the adult in the situation, should I have let the toy go?? I mean I think I should have but maybe seeing him with the other kids I was determined not to let him bully my son or in this case, me. It's o.k., you can tell me if I was wrong

I know his mom should have been taking care of it but since she wasn't what should I have done?

Bella61811

This is tough. Part of me thinks that I wouldn't have let go. I would have said something a long the lines of "I'm sorry but this is DD's toy. Maybe your Mommy has one for you?", depending on the age of the child of course.

dairygirl19

I would have done what you did. You and your LO were obviously playing with it and had it "first."

I'm a big believer in just because you can have it doesn't mean you should. Along with because you're the adult doesn't mean you always have to give in. I'm always about taking turns whether kids get it or not.

It's an important skill. I wouldn't have done anything about his crying. He lived and learned.

Although, I think at this point "bully" is a strong world. Toddlers know not what they do. Seeing something automatically equates to "mine" in their world.

SCtoDC

I would have thrown in a "taking turns" lesson, at an audible level to Other Mom.  I don't tolerate that kind of behavior from my 2yr old, I'm not going to have a double standard for someone else's kid just because they aren't engaged at the moment.

Toddlers won't learn if no one teaches them, and sometimes (for the kid or the parent) hearing it from someone else can really help it sink in.

gracefulruby33

I would have just given the kid the toy. Toddlers don't understand sharing.

LatteLady5

SCtoDC:

I would have thrown in a "taking turns" lesson, at an audible level to Other Mom.  I don't tolerate that kind of behavior from my 2yr old, I'm not going to have a double standard for someone else's kid just because they aren't engaged at the moment.

Toddlers won't learn if no one teaches them, and sometimes (for the kid or the parent) hearing it from someone else can really help it sink in.

I understand taking turns but it's really not fair to OP's kid. They're playing together happily and just because some kid wants they toy he now has to hand it over? He can wait until OP's kid finishes and then have a turn. It also seems the kid in question just wanted what all the other kids had. I get that's what toddlers do but the kid's mom should have been more engaged.

I would have gotten the mom and politely told her she needed to deal with her kid. 

KatieKT

dairygirl19:

I would have done what you did. You and your LO were obviously playing with it and had it "first."

I'm a big believer in just because you can have it doesn't mean you should. Along with because you're the adult doesn't mean you always have to give in. I'm always about taking turns whether kids get it or not.

It's an important skill. I wouldn't have done anything about his crying. He lived and learned.

Although, I think at this point "bully" is a strong world. Toddlers know not what they do. Seeing something automatically equates to "mine" in their world.

You're right! Bully wasn't the right word. His behavior the whole time was just that of a tired child I'm sure

KatieKT

gracefulruby33:

I would have just given the kid the toy. Toddlers don't understand sharing.

See, I keep going back and forth on it. And we have group with this child twice a week so it could come up again. I feel like I should have given in one second and then the next I think the opposite and wonder what I'm teaching my boy if I let someone yank something from me that they want. Then my son thinks I share but also thinks he can grab from someone. I know toddlers that seem to understand sharing perfectly.

KatieKT

Thanks everyone for the responses. Our group does require that parents are there but there's no leader or anyone that would stop a child from acting a certain way. We're in a huge gym filled with toys and equipment. Today this little boy spent an hour going from child to child just taking what they had. It wasn't a big deal but at least if it happens again I know I wasn't totally out of line!

TiffanyBerry

If other parents won't parent their kid while in a playgroup, I will.  With absolutely no qualms.  I probably would have been more "You may not take toys from other children.  Would you like to take a turn with us?" than just quiet and not letting go, but I don't disagreed with your approach either.

dragon_chica

gracefulruby33:

I would have just given the kid the toy. Toddlers don't understand sharing.

True, developmentally toddlers do not understand the concept of sharing.  However, it's not too late to start being that broken record so when they do get to that "milestone" it'll already be ingrained in them.  I'm a big advocate of prevention not intervention.

KateLouise

I would have been most interested in what I was role-modelling to my own child. No it's not ok to grab things from other people. Yes it is ok to politely assert yourself in a social setting.

Yes the kids are too young to completely understand sharing, but I aim for consistency with what I teach my kids.

Plus other people's kids being bratty and poorly supervised annoy me. So I would feel zero guilt that the boy was upset and his Mum had to be dragged away from her chatting.  

12bailey18

gracefulruby33:

I would have just given the kid the toy. Toddlers don't understand sharing.

I could not disagree with this more. I think you did the right thing, Mom. I would have done the same thing. That mother should have been watching her child, especially if he didn't understand sharing. I think he knew exactly what he was doing, though. 

12bailey18

TiffanyBerry:

If other parents won't parent their kid while in a playgroup, I will.  With absolutely no qualms.  I probably would have been more "You may not take toys from other children.  Would you like to take a turn with us?" than just quiet and not letting go, but I don't disagreed with your approach either.

Yep, me too!  

Netty_3

I think you're fine...I may be wrong about this too.  I wish I would be more assertive like that. If mom was so concerned about him crying she should be paying attention to.

I was upset one time because at the children's museum a mom was with her daughter and her daughter kept grabbing whatever my son had in his hands, and she didn't do or say anything, I wish I would have done something...I don't want him to be bullied or feel like he has to be so passive like me. I need to woman up I suppose! I just felt at any moment the other mom would correct it but never did. It made me even sadder because LO would offer to share things with everyone around him. I hope he keeps that aspect though.

M&M227

I probably would have done the same.  There's a child at Daycare that's always grabbing toys from kids.  While I'm gathering DDs stuff she's trying to rip it out of my hands.  I get so annoyed.  It's hard enough getting DD (who is following me around crying once I get there) her bag, coat, shoes (she takes them off a million times) her two cups and her breakfast containers, without some kid trying to take things the whole time.

SheLovesMrHip

I would have done what you did. I would have gone in to "this is how we share" mode or made the comment in reagrds to "DD is playing with this sweety"..... I have ran into this already and didn't give the toy up. IMO that child clearly gets his way all the time and it shows as the parent just sort of side eyed you......

JMU_Bride09

This same situation has happened to me a few times at DS's play group. I keep the toy and gently say, "No soandso, DS and I are playing with this toy right now.". it's frustrating but not the toddler's fault. The mom should be paying better attention to her child and teach him that it's wrong to take the toy.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha

I wouldn't have let go of the toy.

JaysonandKristin

I wouldn't have let go of the toy.  I would've asked if the kid wanted to play with my child and me.

FWIW, the kid wasn't "bullying."  We can't appropriately label kids at this age with words that we use in adult settings.   

diana.filipi

I wouldn't have let go and would have said something out loud to him for both his and the mother's benefit like "It is DDs turn with this toy, when we are done playing with it you may have a turn."  Since the mother gave you a look I would have given her a quick little update about what was going on.  I try not to assume that she was 'not paying attention' vs she just was distracted in a conversation and didn't see what was up.

704bride

Bella61811:

This is tough. Part of me thinks that I wouldn't have let go. I would have said something a long the lines of "I'm sorry but this is DD's toy. Maybe your Mommy has one for you?", depending on the age of the child of course.

I agree with this. I also agree with another poster that bully is kind of a strong word. I'm a teacher and we definitely hear the word thrown around too much. I get what you mean though and totally understand you not wanting your son to be treated that way. Your son is too little to stand up for himself, so you were right to do what you did.  

superchixor

I always use the "we share" line with kids whose parents aren't paying attention. If they are being real roudy, I tell my daughter to share and let the kid have it. It may not be the right thing but at least I'm teaching my daughter to share.. that other kids parents can deal with their issues.