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Working Moms
kyks17Wed237779
member
first day back at work / DH becoming SAHD (long)
kyks17Wed237779
member
in Working Moms
So, I have 2 more days of maternity leave and then I'm back at work this Thursday. I have really been dreading it for months for several reasons, and now it's here. I feel like I'm going to be crying the entire day on Thursday. The most time I've spent apart from DS was 5 hours when I had to have surgery 2 weeks ago - other than that, I've only been apart from him for up to 2 hours. He's just starting to get more interactive - rolling over, babbling a bunch, stuff like that.
I make more than 2x what DH makes, so the choice was either for him to quit, or for us to put DS in daycare. Well, DC costs nearly DH's entire salary, so it didn't make any sense to have him work full time to have DS spend his days with strangers (no offense at all to anyone who uses DC, it just doesn't financially work for us). The closest family we have is 2 hours away, and that is just my own still-working parents, so there is not another option. So, DH's last day of work is on Wednesday (we also happen to work at the same company, so it will be a big change for me to be driving in to work alone and not seeing him at lunch).
Now, between me and DH, I'm the more "career-minded" one, in that I went after a particular major, and sought a career path. He just sort of fell into his job because he couldn't find any work after college, and I heard that my company was desperate to fill a position. So it also makes career sense that I be the one to go back to work. I feel really scared for all the pressure of bringing in an income to rest solely on me, and that now it has to provide for DS too (and, in the next 2-3 years, another kid, if things go as planned). My job is very stable and it's a completely irrational fear to worry about getting fired, but in the last week I've started to imagine them firing me soon after I return, and us having a family of 3 with no income, and it's freaking me out worse.
Also, I started trying to piece together how I would work a pumping schedule into my day without conflicting with standard meeting times at work, and I cannot find a way at all. I don't think it will fly to just consistently be missing standing meetings, but it also won't fly to just not pump if I want to keep BFing, which I absolutely do, so now I'm worried going back to work will force me to wean early too. Also, I realized I'm going to be pumping 5x per day (1x in the morning before going in, because DS sleeps until 9am and I will go in to work around 7am to have more time with him after work, 3x while at work, and 1x before going to bed) and that just sounds really freaking crappy.
Basically the only reason I'll be glad to go back to work is for the social interaction. It's been really, really, excruciatingly lonely being at home alone with DS while DH has been back at work for the past 2 months, I don't think I could be a SAHM. It's not even that I'm a very social person, it's just that with all my friends working no family around here, I felt very isolated. I'm trying to cling to this reason for why I'll be glad to go back to work, and hope it will be enough.
I don't really have any questions, just wanted to vent to other mom's who might be able to commiserate.
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Re: first day back at work / DH becoming SAHD (long)
Yesterday was my first day back, and first day at a new job. And I was very surprised at how I did. Not one tear! And I was in a great mood. You can do it. Just one day at a time. Enjoy today!!!!!
I don't have advice on pumping.
GL! The transition returning to work may be an adjustment but soon enough you will fall into a routine. Stay positive. It's awesome you are providing for your family and your H can look after LO w/o worry.
It is normal to dread going back, but it does get better. As far as pumping, I hated it, so I tried to do it as little as possible. Do you think you could get your LO up early to feed him before you go in and put him back to bed, and then BF him at night rather than pumping again? Then you just have to pump during the day at work. I did okay pumping at work, but to be honest, ultimately could not produce enough, so my DS had half BM/half formula during the day while I was at work. It worked for us for a couple of months, then I dropped pumping altogether, and he would have formula during the day and then BF early in the AM and at night.
GL with everything!
With pumping, are any of the meetings dial in? If they are, take your phone and dial in while you pump (I now WFH, which made this last round easier). Or ask if they can add a dial in and explain why. I intentionally ended up scheduling meetings while I pumped so that time was productive time and I could end my days earlier. With my first, I did a lot more juggling and only an occassional phone call while pumping (I felt awkward about it with my first, by my third, I had a different attitude - in the grand scheme of things, if I dialed in to calls and they might hear a squeak here or there, who cares - seriously).
I know everyone says it, but it DOES indeed get better.
Holy snowballing batman! Deep breaths - focus on one challenge at a time. Now is not the time to worry about baby #2 and being the sole provider.
When you go back on Thursday - it will suck and you will be sad. But, it will get better. If you were career-minded before, you will be again. My best advice is to jump into work headfirst as quickly as possible.
As for pumping, you'd be surprised how flexible your boobs can be. I work pumping in around my meetings. Sometimes I miss a session, but I get to it as quickly as I can. You can make it work, just cut yourself some slack. If you miss a session and have to use the freezer stash or a little formula, it's not the end of the world.
In regards to pumping. First, I second pp who mentioned getting your baby up and nursing before you leave for work. Also, although it is probably best to try and pump at the same times everyday at work it doesn't always work out that way...you can be flexible around meetings. I always look at my schedule the night before and usually I could pump just before, or just after meetings. When I did have meetings that were especially long 2-4hrs. I would simply get up and leave to pump if I needed to. It didn't look like anything more than me getting up and leaving to use the restroom. If it works for you like previous poster mentioned you can also call into meetings. I was never able to make that work. I needed to be completely relaxed to let down for the pump.
Another tip. If you are not feeding your baby during the middle of the night get up and pump then and then go back to bed. Between 2-5am your prolactin level are the highest and usually you get the most output from the pump. I was able to do this almost from the start of returning to work (pumped between 2-3am) and then only needed to pump twice while at work. It breaks up your sleep a bit, but it only takes me about 15-20minutes and makes my workday so much easier.
I wanted to reply about pumping b/c I pumped for a year with both children. I would highly advise you to wake LO to BF before work instead of pumping. They will most likely go right back to sleep afterwards (both of mine always did), it saves you one pump session, and it gives you some nice cuddletime in the morning. As far as pumping at work, you'll have to see how your body responds, but I was always fine just pumping twice at work, about every 4hrs. So I would nurse LO at 6am, then pump at 10am and 2pm, and nurse at home at 6pm. I was able to get enough milk with this schedule until LO was about 6months old, then I did start supplementing 1 bottle/day of formula, which I am totally okay with. I started out thinking that it was terrible to give any formula at all, but at some point you realize that it's not worth stressing yourself out over. It did not affect my long-term success with BFing. I never pumped at home at night. My supply was low at night anyways, so I can't imagine I would have gotten very much after BFing LO.
As far as pumping at work goes, you will have to work around your meeting schedule, but don't be afraid to ask your coworkers if you can maybe shift things around. If you have a laptop you can pump while working.
Good luck, its tough going back to work, but it's nice how excited everyone is to see you and talk about the baby. Take lots of pictures with you to show off.
I second the suggestion to wake up LO instead of pumping. You can even nurse on one side and pump a couple oz from the other (for freezer/emergency stash) since supply is so high in the morning. LO may go right back to sleep and if not the schedule will just adjust a bit.
Also pumping 3 times at work seems like a lot unless you have very long hours. I have always pumped 2 (went back to work full time at 3 months) and just nursed last thing before leaving the house and first thing going back. Can you tell a little bit more about your commute/schedule, etc.?
Also, my two cents is that unless DH really likes being a SAHD, if his salary at least covers the daycare, he should go back to work. In my house there would be some major resentments on both sides if DH stayed home with the baby (on his side because i know he wouldn't enjoy it that much and on my side because I know he would do zero housework and it would drive me crazy). Going back to work ensures at least the possibility of promotion/raise and avoids and unexplained gap in the resume.
First, give yourself some time to make the adjustment to get back in the working game. It's going to be an adjustment period (so don't think in a day or 2 days you will have it all solved!). Great idea going back to work mid-end of week so you can get your feet wet as will your DH and then the weekend to make a plan for next week.
The pumping schedule is a challenge however good advice has been given so far. If you can do a dream feed of your little one before you are out the door, it is a good start. If that doesn't work, I remember sitting in front of the tv pumping and watching the morning news and it was like 15 minutes of my quiet time before i headed out. Try your best to work around meetings and you can get creative to t/c into a meeting while you are pumping if needed.
I never pumped overnight so i can't really speak to that point.
Adjusting to time away from your LO is hard, no doubt. When I went back to work after DS I seriously almost couldn't even talk about him at work without getting upset! Took a few days but I was proud showing pics and telling stories and things were ok. The best thing in the world is walking in the door and seeing my family right there in front of me
It took time for DH to get a groove but with good communication and me letting go of some of the nit picky control stuff, it works well for our family. So well that we had DD and maybe #3 soon!
It'll be better than you are fearing.
As far as pumping - if you're not doing a feed now before 9am do you really need to pump before work? Couldn't you just do your 1st pump of the day sometime between 8-10am or even right when you get to work? (or in the car if you feel comfortable with that)
I've been pumping 3-4x per day at work plus once at night after DD goes to bed for 6 month now and it's not the end of the world. I'm in the process of dropping my bedtime pump session, which is nice. BFing doesn't have to be all or nothing. Pump when you can and if you can't keep up your baby gets some formula.
How far away do you work? Could your H bring baby and visit you for lunch sometimes?
This happened to us, it almost ruined our marriage and H got depressed.
OP - Just make sure you and H have good communication and make a deal that if it's not working for either one of you you bot feel like you can speak up (maybe him working part time or something if needed) And make sure you both have clear expectations on housework/cooking etc.
Thank you ladies for all the advice and reassurance
I don't know any women locally in my situation, everyone I know either has the mom as SAHM (that's most people at my work, I work with mostly guys), or the mom working as secondary income, with LO staying with family during the day. I actually don't know anyone who uses DC because of that. My coworkers (the ones I'm friends with outside of work and already know my situation) think it's strange that we're having DH stay home while I work.
Let me try to address some of what you asked:
- DH really, really wants to be SAHD. I must have asked 100 times if he was "super extra positive", and he always was. He's a great dad and I believe this is truly what he wants to do. If he didn't, we would find a DC even though it would be financially imprudent.
- I'll be away from home for 10 hours, so will have to pump 3x. 30 min commute 1 way, 9 hours there. Also, LO has STTN for a bit now, so my supply is all daytime, and he nurses every 2 hours during the day. For that same reason, I would have to pump even if I fed him before work, because I have 10-12 oz built up in the morning. I posted on the BFing board about how much time working moms get with their LOs, and it seemed like the consensus was the morning feeding, and a couple of hours (2-3) before LO's bedtime. Since I have to pump in the morning anyway, I thought I would just try leaving a few hours before he wakes, to get more time with him in the evening. I'll adjust it if that doesn't seem to be working.
- Most of my work meetings are over the phone, but I thought it might be bad etiquette to be on a call while pumping? The pump room at work has space for 2 people, I don't want to make the other person feel uncomfortable (if someone else is in there at the same time) by being on a call. Also I'm pretty sure my pump would be heard, as I am usually a big contributor to our meetings and would need to be talking for a lot of it.
I'm hoping to throw myself into work while I'm there, the days when I'm constantly busy are the ones that fly by.
That's a good point, but I'm also not getting up until he does at 9 right now. I'll have to go to bed earlier in order to get up earlier, and I try to not let it go any longer than 8 hours between milk removals overnight (I'm pumping around 1am right now before going to bed to maintain that 8 hr window) . So, I may end up not pumping at night because I probably will go to sleep right after he does in order to get up by 6am. Hadn't thought of that.
If that's in your own car, I'd really recommend using your commute to pump. It took me a little to get used to, but it was the only thing that has made my life measurably better.
I nurse my LO before I leave the house at 5:30am (she either goes right back to sleep afterwards or gurgles to herself for a while before going back to sleep) and then pump on my way to work just afterwards. My pump times at work vary a little bit depending on my schedule that day but it's usually somewhere around 10 and 2 (sometimes only once at lunch on a bad day). Then I pump again on my commute home. I pump before bed most days and try to do morning pump and bedtime pump on the weekends, particularly if I've been having to steal from freezer stash during the week.
It sucks, but it's doable.
Just wanted to give an update now that my first "week" (aka 2 days) back at work is complete. Both days I got up in time to pump at 6:30am and leave for work by 7, so that I could leave work by 4:30 and get home at 5, leaving me 5 hours with DS before he goes to bed.
Thursday went off without a hitch in the morning, I got all 3 pumps in at work at the proper times, met 2 of the other pumping moms there (and a 3rd I already knew cuz she's on my team), and managed not to cry while there. I did tear up on the drive in and during my first pump that day. I have a photo of him on my desk that used to be on DH's desk before he stopped working (don't remember if I mentioned it, we work/ed for the same company so he just took it to my desk on his last day). I look at it all day long. It makes me happy to see his cute little face - I was worried it would make me sad by reminding me I'm not with him right then. I got to catch up with my work friends, I got to eat lunch (!!!! so many days while at home on leave I wouldn't get to eat til DH got home), which were the things I had been looking forward to.
I had a sync meeting with my manager my first day back and found out my team got very little done in my absence and he was incredibly glad that I was back. I asked to have a telecommute day (it's a company benefit but requires senior manager approval and for some reason she would not give that approval to half of us but did to the other half a couple years ago) and he is going to find out but thinks I can have one. That will be really nice - even though I'll be busy working, I can still see DS all day and not have to be missing him (or pumping!).
Friday, DS woke me up at 6am and apparently was hungry - he has only woken up before his usual wake time about 4 times since he started STTN at 7 weeks old, so this surprised me, but I guess we are at the 4 month wakeful time. So I fed him, then put him back to bed, pumped the other side, and was still able to leave for work by 7. DH said he fell back to sleep shortly after I left, and slept 1 hour later than his usual waking time, so I guess that time canceled itself out. Again pumping went fine, but I did have to go to another building for my last pump of the day, as the lactation room can only fit 2 people and apparently that's a popular time to pump. The work day didn't seem that long and soon I was home for the weekend!
I'm going to keep going with this setup since it worked well in terms of giving me plenty of evening time with DS. DH said that both days, DS would frown for seemingly no reason at times, and that by his 3rd bottle of the day, he would look sad while eating (we're giving him 4 smaller bottles while I'm gone, as he usually eats every 2 hours with me and wanted to keep the same timing going). He also wouldn't nap in the afternoon either day, which didn't surprise me at all as I could only ever get him to nap by nursing to sleep. Today we spent the whole day together and it was great.
Sorry this is so long! All in all, things were actually easier than I had been anticipating. It helped that I knew DS was in good hands and I wouldn't have to worry about his care. Also DH was available on gchat sporadically to give me updates on how things were going, so I stayed reassured that all was well. Frankly, I'm still concerned about the financial side of things, and still feel freaked out that mine is the only income to support our little family of 3, but also the praise I got from my manager upon returning made me feel a bit better - annual reviews are coming within the next month.
The chatting is useful. My DH has been a SAHD all along. (And it was something he always wanted to do -- it came up in conversation when we first started dating and he was still in college, and we planned everything accordingly.)
I can pester him much more for updates throughout the day than I could with a paid provider. And really he just sends them voluntarily. Plus he regularly emails random cellphone photos.
The most common conflict that seems to arise when we have these SAHD threads is how little cleaning gets done. But my DH does work double shifts on weekends, which means that I have two days alone with LO every week myself, and so I got a pretty realistic idea of how little you can really accomplish with a baby. We basically just agreed we'd have a messy house for a couple years and relaxed.
I came home today, my 3rd day back at work, to a fully vacuumed house with the dining table all cleared off and cleaned (we'd been piling stuff on it that we didn't want to deal with at the time). Put me to shame for the 10 weeks I was on leave while he was at work, heh. He's also doing dishes and washing my pump parts right now!
DH