Why I hate my MIL

jadwedd

Yes I know that this is a rant.  And I know it is not nice to hate people.  Even if they are always mean to you.  But this is why I hate her.  And I have waited a week to post anything to see if I calm down, but I did not.  Last week she came over to the house and after the normal nonsense that my house is not good enough and when are we going to sell this dump (my house is really cute by the way, she just hates it because it is close to my parents.)  And the whole I never call her and she is my mother too (no she is not my mother, I have an awesome mother who is the opposite of mil, which is why dh wanted to live close to my parents and not his). As soon as dh left the room she leans in so he won't hear her from the other room and asks me how in the world I am going to find maternity clothes to fit me.  Seriously.  I was floored.  This is as bad as when on Christmas, in front of the family she gave me a scale and said that she searched the store to find the one with the highest capacity and she hoped it would accomidate me.  Now I might be able to understand this if she was tiny and just had tiny children.  But her sons are all big and she is 3x just like me.  So now I just realized that I have spent hours this week looking at maternity clothes just to prove to her that I can wear some (they have them everywhere though so I am not too worried).  And I am mad at myself for letting her get to me.  Oh and does anyone else call their mil just to say hello?  Because this one is constantly nagging me about this but when I do call she just nags me about not calling enough or one of her other favorite things. I just had to get that out there.  Thanks for being my therapists for today

Ruger04

Wow what a Itch! That is completely uncalled for I would have asked her to leave MY HOUSE. I don't know how you kept you cool. 

 

As far as calling yes I do but my mother is gone and has not been around for 3 years so my MIL is like my mom and I love her dearly.

In saying that if my MIL did what your MIL did the gloves would be off and I would really be mean and nasty!  

Cypress82

Wow! I can't believe she said those things to you!! I'm sorry Just remember that most people point out others insecurities because they are so insecure themselves that they don't know how to deal with it. That was really uncalled for. My MIL is similar to yours in that she thinks I hate her because I never call her or email her. WTF?? DH doesn't call MY mom and she doesn't care! And her other daughter in laws don't call her on a regular basis. It aggravates me sooo much!

Ms H13

Wow, what a total B!  I honestly don't know how I would respond to her.  How often do you see her?  For your sake I hope it's not very often.

2MamazInSeattle

Oh my - she sounds like one of those dreadful, miserable people who only get joy by putting others down or complaining. Yuck. What a terrible fate!

Honestly, though, with family it is so hard to walk the line of keeping your dignity while keeping the peace. Sounds like you are doing just that - and honestly, I hate to say this, but there is no winning with someone like her. She will always be right and likely doesn't have the emotional maturity for "when you say xyz, it makes me feel abc" statements. My vote is to keep doing what you're doing - avoid the crap outta her and take her in small doses! And like PP, she definitely seems to need to call out the flaws she sees in herself by calling them out on you; that is just mean to say things about your weight - and to your point, it'd be only slightly different if she herself was at a healthy weight! Oh I'm mad on your behalf.

My last MIL hated me - so I understand the feeling of not winning. I'm so lucky now that I have one who adores me, and me with her daughter - and I'm giving her a grandchild so uber points there. But I still don't call her up much - I admit I've called a few times since I got pregnant. I asked her about her pregnancies, etc. just to hear her advice and also to make her feel a part of it. While your MIL sounds awful, if you did want to *try* something, I guess you can try to connect as mothers - ask her about her experiences, let her be the expert, blah blah. Not that she deserves it, but you are stuck with her...so maybe an avenue to try if you need to keep the peace? Anyhow, sorry you have to deal with this! She sucks.

Millie1984

First, I am so, so sorry.

Second, no I don't randomly call my MIL to talk, and I consider our MIL/DIL relationship to be pretty positive.  So she really should not guilt trip you about that (not to mention, with the way she acts, how can she expect you to want to call her...).

Third, just because she is your MIL, there is no reason that she should be allowed to make you feel this way.  I agree with PPs that it is about walking a line between maintaing your own dignity and maintaing peace within your family.  I really think though, that there is a time and place to tell her (in private), that comments regarding your size are hurtful and that you would like her to leave that topic alone- no scales for presents, no remarks about clothing size...nothing.  You can say something similar about your house, as well, if that comes up again.

It sounds like she is someone who needs very specific boundaries set, and she needs them to be set in a clear and direct (albeit polite) way. 

ETA: I know this is so much easier said than done, but she sounds like she can be a really toxic person, and it is something that needs to be addressed.  Good luck

Ruger04

I need to add something

 I'm a firm believer that husbands family is husbands responsibility my family is my responsibility.

I would have DH call her and talk to her about the situation and let her no clearly that she upset you and that it will not be tolerated. Its his mother.... His responsibility to deal with her.

If you say to much she can hold a grudge towards you. GL  

Millie1984

Ruger04:

I need to add something

 I'm a firm believer that husbands family is husbands responsibility my family is my responsibility.

I would have DH call her and talk to her about the situation and let her no clearly that she upset you and that it will not be tolerated. Its his mother.... His responsibility to deal with her.

If you say to much she can hold a grudge towards you. GL  

This is good advice.  It might be better if your DH says something rather than you--that is your preference.  Either way, you definitely need very clear boundaries with this woman. 

lily_721

Wow.  I have a great relationship with my MIL and I never call her just because.  I call my mom all the time but she's my mom.  DH never calls my parents. 

I email or text my MIL if there is something going on:  dr appt, something with the boys, family plans, etc.  Never just to chat. 

Good luck with her!  I would definately have DH step in and tell her that she crossed the line. 

luvboston

What a B---tch, I never call, email or anything else my mil because she is satan and I only deal with her if I have to. You don't have to call her that Dh job.

jadwedd

Oh dh calls her almost every day.  it is just not enough.  But he does tell her to be nice to me and everything.  But she acts all innocent like she did not mean to hurt my feelings and I am just so sensitive.  He knows that she is a witch, but she will never apologize or anything.   He always defends me, she just doesn't care.  He even goes so far as to never leave me alone with her, but when he has to go to the bathroom she strikes.  But she does this to everyone, even her grandchildren.  For years I thought that I was not getting pregnant because God knew that if I had a baby she would be even more in my business and be mean to my baby.  That is why it took so long for me to go get help.  But when I told dh he said that he would never leave her alone with the baby and he would never allow her to be cruel to the baby.  Usually I keep my mouth shut, but I might lose my cool if she messes with the baby.

Jbromberg1985

What a witch!! If I were in your situation, I would tell her than if she doesn't knock it off, then she won't be part of your LO's life because you don't want that poison around an innocent baby. Especially is your DH has already stuck up for you and defended you, and she claims you're being sensitive... that's such crap! So sorry you have to deal with this!!! 

JewelsW1980

I hate your MIL too. What kind of woman says that to another woman??!!

jeannaqueena

OMG!  She sounds horrible!!!  I hate it for you.  You already have extra emotions while pg and her messing with your feelings is just wrong!  I would have my DH talk to his mama and straighten her out.

no, I never call my MIL unless I have a reason.  Tho I do try to come up with reasons.  This past week I was traveling back home and had spent 2 days in the car so I called her to chat and see how she was feeling (she had her yearly emergency visit to the ER). Anyway, not sure if I have it much better bc she proceeded to tell me about how they had her on a liquid diet at the hospital and it made her have the runs, how she sneezed and messed up the whole bathroom....how she still has the "brown liquid" that every time she pees she doesn't what's coming out of her!!!!!......OMG I couldn't. Get her to shut up and then we had them over for dinner and she told me the WHOLE story again with news updates!!!  I don't need to hear all this.  My last comment was that I would put her in depends if she couldn't get it under control and was going to sit on my soda!  (It was said teasingly but I was serious!).

I think MILs all have their quirks and you have to figure out how to handle them, sounds like yours is a hard one. GL 

MrsCK

Wow. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with such thoughtless comments and gestures from your MIL.  The stress from that is the last thing you need right now.  My concern is that her visits may get even more frequent after baby arrives.  I'd start formulating your "game plan" for how to protect yourself now.  <HUGS> and GL!

Mrs.AmyDylan

Ruger04:

 I'm a firm believer that husbands family is husbands responsibility my family is my responsibility.

I would have DH call her and talk to her about the situation and let her no clearly that she upset you and that it will not be tolerated. Its his mother.... His responsibility to deal with her.

This 100%. Once you add a baby to the situation it is going to get worse, not better. YH needs to put on his big boy pants and defend his family.

I've watched a situation in my extended family turn rotten because the husband didn't deal with his mom and wife appropriately.  

Edit: saw your note that he does deal with her. He needs to call out this specific incident and state this is why she is not invited to your home. Hugs to you. What a witch.

LaineyPaney

JewelsW1980:

I hate your MIL too. What kind of woman says that to another woman??!!

Ditto.
Can you find a book about tact to give her for Mothers Day??