I don't know why but today has turned into one of the worst days I can remember since the first few weeks after we lost baby Gary. I have a million things that I should be doing to get ready for the week, but instead I've been in bed crying all day.
It started with waking up and dh already being up and getting things done. Since our bfp he's been really nervous about letting me do anything strenuous around the house even things as simple as carrying laundry and instead gets up early to get things done so that I don't have to do them. It sounds wonderful and it is a very nice thought but I have always been very independent and its very hard for me to watch someone do something that I could just do for myself. Its started making me feel utterly useless and invaluable to the household. Also, while I know dh is doing his best, it doesn't exactly meet the standard of what I would do myself. It has also taken up a lot of time that I would like to spend with dh and turned him into a big stresser, so even the time we do have together is usually spent talking about finances or things we need yo get done. Also, we have owned our house for less than a year and it was a fixerupper to start with so there are a million things that I want to get done before baby is here that I can't do myself. This morning I found a new spot on the woodwork that the dog chewed up. It just makes me feel so discouraged when we've worked so hard to make our home nice and its getting destroyed by our animals. When I talk to dh about this he just tells me that it's life and that I'll need to get used to it. He's beside himself as to how to help more than he is and doesn't understand that I need his emotional support, not his physical labor.
Then of course, as I lie in bed crying, my thoughts always come back to my sweet baby Gary and how angry I still am that he was taken from us. I miss him and I worry about how I'll be able to love our new baby while I'm still grieving for my first. Then I worry about this pregnancy and wonder if I would make it through if something were to happen to this baby, too.
Overall I just feel sad and overwhelmed and frustrsted. I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I want support from dh but I don't even know what to ask for. None of my many pregnant friends understand because they've never lost a baby. Dh doesn't understand because he doesn't know what its like to be pregnant. My sister doesn't understand because, although she also just bought a new house, she has my whole family there every weekend to help them rehab it. I feel so alone in everything I do lately.
I guess I just needed to get that out and I know you ladies have always been a safe place for me. Thanks for letting me vent.