- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
jess9802
member
A little bit sad....
jess9802
member
I post very infrequently but lurk regularly. This seems to be the best board to vent to right now. I'm sorry this is so long.
My husband has a 13 year old son from his first marriage. DH and his ex divorced four years ago when he got out of the military. He moved from CA to OR to be closer to his family and go to college. His ex claimed she was going to move to CO to be closer to her father (but never did). They agreed that when my SS was starting high school he could choose with which parent to live, and that was all fine.
I started dating DH, we fell in love pretty quickly, and my family and I welcomed SS with open arms. I have a good, loving relationship with him, and he's a great kid. I've never met DH's ex, but generally I think they do a good job co-parenting, so there's no complaints there. Shortly after their divorce was finalized, she got pregnant by a man she'd been casually dating. He stuck around, and from all accounts he's a good guy and they're pretty happy, and SS likes him. SS loves his little sister, who is 2.5, and is very attached to her.
The only bothersome issue are the opportunities that can be provided to SS. His mother works weird hours, and so SS doesn't play with friends after school. He can't play sports or be in extra-curricular activities. His social life is confined to school and the friends he's met through online video games. His mom isn't there to check on homework, they don't eat dinner together every night, etc. When he's here with us in the summer he plays water polo and is on a swim team and he takes guitar lessons. He has his own bedroom. We have 9-5 jobs and sit-down dinners and don't work weekends. SS made a few friends in our neighborhood (his mom lives in an apartment) and with some of my co-workers' children. If he lived here we would have the resources (not necessarily money but time and family support) to make sure he could play sports, join school clubs, spend time with friends, and so forth. We live in a college town with excellent schools, so there are lots of opportunities for a very bright kid like him.
So DH, my in-laws, and I were all hoping SS would make the decision to move up here for high school, especially now that his mother and BF are talking about moving from CA to NJ. In our minds it made sense that if SS had to change schools and move somewhere new, he would choose to go to a place that was somewhat familiar and where he had other family aside from a parent. We tried not to pressure him, simply said that whatever he chose we would support.
Well, yesterday he told DH that he wanted to stay with his mom. And now DH and I both feel sad and a little rejected. I am sad because our home feels fuller and busier and more fun when SS is around. I am sad because DH got out of the military to be with his family, and assumed that SS would choose to move up here. I am sad to see DH feel more and more distant from his son. I am sad that the son my DH and I had last summer won't have much of a relationship with his older brother - a 13 year age difference is hard enough without 3000 miles separating them. I am sad that SS might be missing out on opportunities for things that normal teenagers should experience, IMO. And I am especially sad because I worry that SS made his choice because when he was here last summer, DH and I were stressed by the addition of the new baby, DH graduating and looking for a job, and we fought much more frequently than we had before. I guess I feel guilty or responsible for pushing SS in the other direction if he was inclined to move up here.
No real point to this post other than to vent and say that this is the really sucky part of being in a blended family.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: A little bit sad....
Oh gee. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I don't have any advice but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and that I can somewhat relate. Our situation is somewhat similar. SS11 and SD7 have been living with us since last summer. We have so much more to offer in our household just like you've described. We can offer stability and opportunities that BM cannot.
SS realizes this and knows that he wants to continue living with us (BM also isn't his bio-mom...she was his guardian for many years; so there's that as well). However, SD is torn. She's so young and misses her mom. While she likes life with us, she misses her mom as well. She is not old enough to understand the differences between life with her mom and life with us. DH and I worry that maybe living with us isn't the best thing for her right now. We're in the middle of custody proceedings and we're pretty sure that we will end up getting full-time custody. But is it really the best thing for SD? I don't know.
Please don't be too hard on yourself for the way last summer went for all of you. Our summer was pretty tense as well since we were all adjusting to the transition of SKs living with us. We got our BFP 4 days after the kids moved in so that was a bit stressful as well. We had been TTC but the timing was not the best at the time. Since then everything has gotten much better in our home. Yet I still worry a bit about how things will be once LO arrives.
I'm not sure that you guys pushed SS in the other direction at all. It may just be that, even though he loves being with you and DH, he is comfortable with the familiarity of his current living situation. He may change his mind in the future, right?
BFP #1 09/02/11 M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13
SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.
My husband is pretty adamantly against petitioning for custody if SS is healthy, doing well in school, and not asking to move up with us. I tend to agree with him on this. SS isn't in any danger living with his mother. He is in Honors classes and doesn't get in trouble in school. To petition the court would require a significant sum of money, which we just don't have; travel to a court more than 800 miles away; and absent a showing of a significant change in circumstances (presently, there are none), I don't think the petition would be granted. Not to mention, it would create a real strain in DH's relationship with his ex and possibly with his son as well.
As PP said, it's possible SS isn't bothered by life at his mom's; he may not have any interest at all in going out for sports or being involved in after-school stuff. DH and I talked for a good hour about all of the different things that might have crossed SS's mind. I'm sure at some point DH will try to talk to SS about it. I just hadn't realized how much I was hoping SS would choose to come here until we got the answer last night and I started crying.
Married Bio * BFP Charts
I think that in a lot of the cases where the mother has primary custody is it hard to get it changed without proving neglect or abuse of some sort. I don't think a judge would change primary custody based on a mothers work schedule. I tend to agree with OP that it would not be worth the money and stress. I had a SM tell me the other day that they do not ever see her SS who is 15 because the courts in my state apparently allow kids 14 and up to decide if they want to spend time with the non custodial parent. I didn't get a lot of details but I would assume they consulted an atty regarding the matter.
OP I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope you still get to keep summers with him.