It's been 2 months since we lost Eleanor. My brain keeps frantically searching for some sort of reason that would explain why she was taken from us, and the thing it seems to have latched on to is that I need to have another baby, a baby that I wouldn't have had if she were still here with us.
My OB says we need to wait at least 6 months before TTCAL. But my body and brain keep wanting to be pregnant. I can't take the risk of trying sooner; my uterus was rupturing as they opened me up for Ellie's delivery, and I was 10-months post C-section when I got pregnant with her. I don't want to risk this happening again, but for some irrational reason I feel like I just need to get pregnant as soon as I possibly can; definitely before October. And I'm petrified that not only will I not be able to get pregnant by my brain's deadline, but I won't be able to get pregnant at all. Or I will get pregnant, and even though my OB says it's ok, it'll still be too soon and this will happen all over again.
If you decided to try for your rainbow, how long did your doctor say you needed to wait? How did you cope (are you coping) in the mean time?
Edit: I want to clarify that I am in no way trying to replace my daughter with another baby. I would love to have more children, and I will love any and all I am blessed to have, but none will ever be a replacement for Eleanor.