Intro and question

UnBlended

Hello, I am not new to the boards, just incognito.

I am married and have a stepchild and a biochild

I need some advice, please, because this is heavy on my heart and I am tired of feeling uptight, angry and defensive all the time.

My SC's bio mom is such a horrible person (and so are her parent's) and feeds my SC's mind with horrible lies that SC regurgitates. I feel sorry for SC because SC is lied too on a dialy basis by BM. My H won't deal with any of the drama and refuses to stand up for himself.

This is making it very difficult for me to love my SC. I find myself dreading our time together and I am quick to anger. I know I need to show SC the way adults should act but I can't see past my own anger.

I also don't want my marriage to end because of my H's lack of balls to stand up for his and his childs rights.

I just need some advice, please, on how to seperate my feelings for Biomom from SC before I become a completly bitter and hateful person.

I feel like I haven't explained it all very well...

TIA

 

dmndsr4eva

How old is your SC.  There are always two sides to a story.  I have been accused of telling my son things about his dad and his GF but I do not.  How do you know that BM and her family are saying these things?  And how do you know they are "horrible" people?

fellesferie

I think you have too many things going on. You've got H problems, BM problems, and kid problems. 

Honestly, if YH will not stand up for himself then fixing the situation with him is your first priority. Have you asked for marriage counseling? Have you explained how unhappy you are?

 

emikat

I understand your concerns.  I fear that blended family stress and dynamics will cause my marriage to fracture at some point.  It's constant work and is not easy.  I do love DH and I don't want my marriage to end.  Sometimes our priorities are somewhat different, but we try and work through them.  I suggest you start with DH and really tell him how important it is for you to have him stand up for himself, you and his child.  My DH was reluctant in the beginning to do these things, but he quickly saw that we couldn't live that way and now things are easier to deal with even if not easier in concept.  There will always be stresses and if things are not amicable between you and BM, it will be hard.  Communication is key.  Being on the same page with DH is essential.  I would recommend counseling both for you and DH and for SC.  It will help build a stronger family.  

Nineoceans

Can you just take a step back and disengage? I do not communicate with BM at all. I dont pick up, I dont drop off. When things are especially bad I don't go to sports events where she will be, instead my son and I meet a friend for dinner or do something else fun.

When SS starts to tell me a story about BM I say "that's nice" and then don't ask any further questions so the conversation usually dwindles out. Instead we talk about his school, sports and friends.

No one is a warrior 100 percent of their life so don't put yourself in situations where you have to fight all the time.

If all else fails when BM and dh make a horrible parenting decision together I tell myself "not my problem" because it's not.

Enjoy your time with SS, find common interests and just don't engage in anything else

Ilumine

UnBlended:

 

I also don't want my marriage to end because of my H's lack of balls to stand up for his and his childs rights.

 

TIA

I had to have this CTJ talk with my DH two times, with one where I actually left him. 

WHY?  Because first, my child did not need to be around her brother the way he was. She did not need his influences. 

Second, my DD did not need to have a crap or double-standard father raising her (I had at least 3 examples of his double standard parenting to throw at him).

I told him that for me to come back, he needed to change his parenting of SS - ie mutually approved expectations and punishments for SS AND that I was no longer going to do anything for SS (because I was doing the heavy parenting by ensurind that SS's basic and expanded needs were met, while I could not actually parent).

And I did not do a damn thing for him other than buy for and make the family dinner.  Disengaging from SS helped drop my stress exponentially.

DH DID pull his head out of his ass.  Granted it got WORSE first, given SS was never held accountable  And we had a huge blow out where the cops were called.  But since then, SS has done an amazing change. 

Life will always be hard for him - but that is  all DH and BMs fault.  But I know that I have done my best and that it wont be too hard that he will come back to live with us.  And if he does, DH knows (and I am financially prepared for) that I will leave.

awesomenus1341

I agree with PP that getting on the same page with YH will make an unbelievable difference in how you feel about the whole situation. Idk how long you guys have been together, you've been in your SC's life, or what kind of lies you feel BM is telling your SC, but, I know in my experience, DH had spent 2.5yrs asking BM how high everytime she told him to jump. He never stood up to her, he never questioned a decision she made, he only saw his son when she needed DH around or was in a good mood, etc. It was VERY HARD when I entered the picture, with an outsider's POV and told him that he had every right to stand up for his child, to get a custody order established, to follow the CO, to not have to please BM in order to see his child, etc. During that time, when SS would be acting like the 2 year old he was, I could feel my anger for her building up towards him in frustration. The immediate was taking a step back, walking out, letting DH deal with whatever the situation was a the time. But I also felt like I was beginning to resent SS because of my anger towards BM, even as I was pushing DH to see his child more regularly and step up as a dad.

 

It didn't get better over night. We had to work at it (and still do). We had to talk...a lot. We established expectations for each other, and for our BF. My SS was young, so I was stepping in as another parent, who makes and enforces rules just like BM and DH, as well as taking care of the needs of a young toddler, not just as a friend and role model. I had to make compromises, and so did DH. When we got on the same page with what WE expected, and what WE would tolerate, and what OUR roles were in the household, life got so much easier. I was able to put aside my resentment for BM (most days) and actually parent SS as appropriate for his age and abilities. There is a lot of drama at BM's house that we try not to get into. And SS sometimes brings that with him, to which we simply respond "that may be so at mommy's house, but at daddy's house...xyz." We try to acknowledge his feelings and opinions, but we also make it clear what our expectations for him are at our house.

 

A big thing that DH and I both have to work at continuously, is that when SS gets upset, he immediately starts saying how he wants BM to come get him, he doesn't want to stay with us, he want's mommy to pick him up, mommy will take him to do xyz, etc. It used to really get to me, and it still hurts to hear, but I was watching one of those Supernanny things recently where the kids were pitching a fit in time out and remembered her telling the parents that kids will say anything they think will bother you in order to get what they want. They are trying to hurt your feelings, they are trying to get you to break, because then they get what they want. Since then, I just remind my husband and we ignore the behavior, and SS eventually calms down.