S/O Long-Distance Relationships

NativeFloridian

This stems from my random re: the friend who seems like he likes me.  Go read for the deets.

Anyway, it got me thinking about long-distance relationships.  My question is, what do you think of long-distance relationships?  Do you have a different opinion based on the situation (i.e. you were friends and lived close before and then the person moved far away vs. you met on the Internet and live far away, or being within driving distance vs. having to board a plane just to see each other)?  If you would hypothetically go ahead with a LDR how would you personally approach relationship biggies like trust, intimacy, that type of thing?  How would you approach travel to see each other (switching off who makes the drive vs. the one who has it easiest always drives)?

I'd honestly never even considered a LDR, but life has a way of presenting these things as food for thought.  WDYT?

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha

Long-distance relationships can only last for so long.

Before H, I was in a LDR with a guy who lived in Oregon. We made it work for nearly 2-years, but had to call it quits because, unlike Mrs Skull, we couldn't see a day when we could drop the "long-distance" part and turn into our relationship into a "normal" one. 

DH and I also had to do the LDR thing for about a year when we first started going out because I was going away to college. It was a really rough year, and I don't think we would have lasted much longer if he hadn't decided to move in with me. Then going from only seeing each other on the weekends (or every other weekend) to being 24/7 was also a major adjustment - but we obviously managed to make it work.

ohyeahdollface

DH and I met online when I was 17, and he was 23 (in 2007).

It took up until 2010 for us to meet in person. That was the longest three years of my life. Up until we actually met in person we had a very open relationship. No questions asked, we each did what we wanted. Up until about 2009 things were really casual, and the open relationship continued. After that things started to get serious and we ended up keeping that year before we met exclusive, and have continued to do so into our marriage. 

The hardest part was talking to him on the phone while watching the same movies, listening to the same music, etc. and just really really wishing he was there. Nights always felt lonely, and I just really wished he was there. 

We sent emails, talked on the phone, texted, skyped, etc. Sometimes we would skype for 12-14 hours at a time. 

I think it would have been worse to be without him if we had met in person before, and then had the LDR. Because I never knew what it felt like to have him around, I did not know what I was missing. 

Man, I am tearing up now! Those years were SO long. And even after all the *** we went through early in our marriage, 

I would not change a thing.

melissa0726

I don't think I'm cut out for a LDR.  I've broken up with a guy because he was too busy at the gym to spend a ton of QT with me, even though he lived 10 minutes away.  LOL.  If I'm with someone, I want to be WITH them. 

I could probably handle a separation if it was short term (six months?) and if there was an end date in sight (i.e. Mrs. Skull's type situation).  But I wouldn't like it and it would be super hard.  It would truly have to be with the right person for me to want to make it work.

gy86

In today's world of email, skype/facetime, cell phones etc a lot of the traditional barriers to communication are no longer relevant.  That doesn't mean the stress of not physically being together won't present its own challenges though.

Do you expect this relationship to be one where you are not dating/fcking anyone else? Personally, I would have a really hard time committing to a monogamous/physically exlusive LDR -- I also wouldn't expect my partner to abstain if I'm not nearby.  This isn't to say we'd be exempt from jealousy and other human emotions, but I know the expectation would be unrealistic given how much of a lil feen I am when it comes to sex.

I think the situation is entirely different when it comes to friend relocating vs. online strangers.  If you already have an established friendship, you're probably more attached to them and more invested in keeping the relationship going, be it via maintaing the friendship or progressing to LDR status.  You've probably already seen them handle stress/anger/disappointment, seen how they've treated past partners, how they interact with their family, and so many other factors that are unknown until you've spent a fair amount of time in person together. 

Re: travel -- I think finances and ease of travel play a big role.  Plane tickets aren't cheap, neither is gas.  Take advantage of those Southwest sales with $49 one way tickets and stuff.  Frequent flyer miles will help offset some costs, if you travel enough.  But another option is to coordinate vacations, business travel etc so that you wind up near each other more often. 

I struggle with a lot of these thoughts.  A former coworker of mine lives 2000 miles away.  Before he left the state, we hooked up; we text & email nonstop, and our families are in Northern CA which is where we both would like to get back to someday, and that's the reason why I can't get my little fantasy life with him out of my head and have kept up communication over the past 2 years. But when I had the opportunity to visit him last fall when other reasons took me to his city, the timing wasn't right and he was having a bunch of drama with his ex.  Then I felt kinda like a John who walks into a brothel, forks over $1500 for a week, and leaves without even getting his dck wet, which is not a great feeling.

NativeFloridian

Wow, it's interesting to know that a fair share of you have firsthand experience!  The insights are all great.

BTW, if anyone's wondering, the post isn't because I think that I'm going to have a long-distance relationship with my guy friend, it's just that my suspicion about him liking me led to wonder about long-distance relationships in general.

NativeFloridian

gy86:

Do you expect this relationship to be one where you are not dating/fcking anyone else? Personally, I would have a really hard time committing to a monogamous/physically exlusive LDR -- I also wouldn't expect my partner to abstain if I'm not nearby.  This isn't to say we'd be exempt from jealousy and other human emotions, but I know the expectation would be unrealistic given how much of a lil feen I am when it comes to sex.

Hypothetically speaking, if I were to have a LDR with my friend, I think we would both expect it to be a monogamous relationship, as he was chronically cheated on by a girl he was considering marrying at one point, was extremely hurt by it, and struggled with it for a long time.  And I am just one of those people who isn't capable of being unfaithful.  I simply cannot do it.

Speaking more generally, if a potential relationship can't be monogamous for whatever reason, I simply won't date that person.

ladybugpjb

I've been in a few LDRs - two "serious" ones, and one ridiculous one.

The ridiculous one was an eHarmony match that was just...ridiculous. We talked on the phone, then had a silly disagreement that showed me that the relationship wasn't going to work. The first serious one was my first real boyfriend - a guy I grew up with, but never dated until we were at different colleges. Long story short, I put some limits on our communication (e.g., I couldn't afford long distance phone calls, and limited our weekly talk time) that probably prevented us from really growing together. We were engaged for a few months, but I realized I wasn't ready to get married and we broke up.

LDR #2 - DH and I ONLY dated by LDR. We met in college, but only knew each other by site - I don't actually remember ever talking to him. He found me online, we started emailing, came to visit me twice, and then left the country for about 15 months. In those 15ish months, we saw each other for maybe a week and a half during the two times he had leave. We mostly communicated by email, and also some phone calls. It was really hard. There was a point at which we agreed that we either needed to break it off or get married. (We don't believe in living together before marriage.) Obviously, we chose to get married. If we had put off marriage, I don't think I would have lasted - his next military assignment kept him incredibly busy, and he wouldn't have had time for phone calls or email, and would have only had one real opportunity to come visit. Then he was slotted to go to Hawaii, so it would have been a total of over 5 years without seeing much of each other. That's too long for me. I would have been the one who had to do most of the traveling because of his limited leave time, but he would have been more financially able to travel - it definitely would have caused friction.

And now...we're essentially in an LDR, lol. Military families go through it all the time with deployment. We are both committed to each other, and we both trust each other - we have enough confidence in each other's character to trust each other. The distance is really hard, though, especially if you need/prefer physical affection to love letters/flowers/phone calls/whatever. We have to work at our relationship, and I have to accept that this is the way it is for us. Certain needs get put on hold, I go through periods when I miss him terribly, but we find ways to deal with it because we are committed to the relationship.

So....basically, you need to examine yourself and your expectations for a relationship. Is it going to be exclusive? Is it going to be just for fun? Is there an end date in sight? If it does lead to something serious, who would pick up their life and move with the other?

As far as traveling to see each other...  Obviously, you will have three little ones, and it would be pretty hard for you to go visit him very often. You'd either have to take them with you (which exhausts me just to think about) or leave them with someone. He needs to recognize that life is complicated with little ones, and you can't just pick up and leave for a weekend visit. (But his offer to come visit and to make you dinner if you can't go out are positive signs that he understands.) 

I would also take into account financial stability - you mentioned some financial issues recently, and I would hope that he wouldn't expect you to spend all your gas money to come visit him if he is more financially able to come visit you. Or you can always find a halfway spot.