**Ticker Warning** Sorry I have been so absent

cmenasco

Hello Ladies!  I have been lurking more than posting for the last few months cause I cry almost at every post still.  I am so sorry that there are new loss moms here and hugs to you all. 

I have been super anxious about this new pregnancy and so worried that I had to take a break from the Loss Board....and as I'm nearing my loss mildstone, It's getting hard again and I keep thinking more and more about my little girl.  I have had a few break downs this week thinking I should have a 4 month old, and little girl cloths, and I CONSTANTLY wonder what my little girl would look like.  Me? my DH? brown eyes? dark hair?  No hair like my DS at that age?  

How do you think about this stuff with out breaking down in tears?  If I think about it, I start balling.  The only way I can't cry about her is to try to not think about her (which I don't like).  I try to focus on this new one, but then I feel like I am cheating on her.  And then I feel really guilty cause I am lucky enough to have another baby on the way and I am super thankful for him, but he is not her.

 Sorry if I am rambling.....but these last few weeks have been hard and I am missing her more and more and want to hold her again so bad.  

Thank you for listening even if I am making crazy talk.  I was going to post on the Pregnant after a Loss board, but didn't want to be a debbie downer and I am feel like I am having more emotions over my Loss than my new pregnancy.  I just miss her so much and want to go back to when everything was fine and there was no worry. Where she was tucked away fine in my belly, safe and warm and my future.

jebretz

I am sorry you are having such a rough time.  I think everyone is different in how they grieve.  I don't cry as much but I get angry much easier.  All I can do is try to look at their pictures with love, and think of how much joy the pregnancy brought me.  Sometimes it makes me sad, but mostly I can remember the good times. ((Hugs to you))

silverlining8d

I am not in your position because my loss is more recent but you're still grieving and there is no shame in crying as much as you need to..with hormones and the reminder of your baby girl with every moment of your new pregnancy it's to be expected. There are two books that I have been reading the chapters on how to figure out when to try again. One is Trying Again by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman and the other is Pregnancy After a Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy after a Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Death by Carol Cirulli Lanham and they both really seem well written. They both explore all of the feelings you may be feeling and how to cope with them.

Heatherhah

That is the tricky part about being pregnant after a loss like ours. You want your rainbow so badly but yet still miss and want your baby that you lost. I want to tell you that it gets easier but it really doesn't and for that I am so sorry. Being PGAL is so hard the stress of possibly losing the new baby is there all the time even after birth. The emotions are so raw and it makes you feel crazy at times. My rainbow is 3 months now and while I still am sad about losing Sydney I try not to compare them as much as possible they were so different and are different babies and pregnancies. IF you ever want to talk you can PM me I am here if you need someone.

Heather

cmenasco

Thank you Ladies!    And thanks Heather.....even though we lost our little girl to Trisomy 18, I am still so scared of all the other things that can go wrong late term now (cord accident, placenta problem, aspiration and then SIDS etc)....and it's horrible cause I have dreams or thoughts of things happening to DS as well.  The only way I get by is to push those thoughts out of my mind and not even consider them and move on to some work, or something to keep me busy.  I don't know if this is truly healthy or not, but it's how I cope.    Thanks for listening!

Poppy715

cmenasco:

Thank you Ladies!    And thanks Heather.....even though we lost our little girl to Trisomy 18, I am still so scared of all the other things that can go wrong late term now (cord accident, placenta problem, aspiration and then SIDS etc)....and it's horrible cause I have dreams or thoughts of things happening to DS as well.  The only way I get by is to push those thoughts out of my mind and not even consider them and move on to some work, or something to keep me busy.  I don't know if this is truly healthy or not, but it's how I cope.    Thanks for listening!

I felt this way when I first got pregnant. I was so worried about miscarriage and all the things that could go wrong. Once I passed the 1st Tri I thought I was in the clear and all I had to do was grow a baby and continue to support, love and help her grow. I lost my little girl at 26 weeks.

The horrible truth is something bad can always happen. People die from all kinds of things. I am terrified of getting pg again because of the likelihood of what could happen. You just have to try as hard as you can to be positive. It's not possible to do all the time but think of all the people in the world. So many babies grow up to be thriving children and then adults. I don't want to discourage you but to help you see that worry as much as it is unavoidable doesn't help you. Loving that little one that is growing inside of you is all you can do. You can take the best care you possibly can of it. I don't want to sound discouraging in any way. I don't want to be pushy either. There will always be bad days. But eventually and hopefully the good days will outnumber the bad.