i'm so tired of this. — The Bump
Postpartum Depression

i'm so tired of this.

i don't have anyone to talk to about this and i'm just over it. my baby is almost 4 months old, i'm seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist and my medicine has been upped 3 times already. i feel no different whatsoever. my counselor keeps saying all this bull about how i just have to grin and bear it, just make it through because it will lift eventually. no sh!t, but it lifting in 6 months and waiting through a thousand medicine changes won't mean a thing if i've driven into oncoming traffic just to shut my baby up. i keep having panic attacks in the morning when my husband leaves for work and at night when it's time to go to bed. i never ever want to wake up to this again. i hate my children and my life and i'm stuck here. i chose this and i hate it. i just want to run away and be someone else but i'd have to steal from my husband to do that since i don't work and it's not like i have any kind of skill to get a job with anyways. and god knows i'd never be able to be with anyone else since i'm so mutilated and deformed from 2 pregnancies and csections. my life is over and i'm stuck in hell.

i just don't want to do this anymore and no one has help or advice. i just want it to be over. 

Re: i'm so tired of this.

  • :::big hugs::: I have both bipolar and anxiety disorder, after we had DS last year I was horribly depressed and terrified somehow I'd hurt him. I was off my meds for too long and it was a really rough at least 3 months after I had him. I started having bad thoughts again and didn't want to wake up either. I love my DS but I was done. We had to play around with my medication AGAIN and finally got a combo that worked. Latuda (it's actually primarily for schizophrenia, but I didn't care) worked wonders. I've been on Lamictal and Buspar, along with occassional Ativan for years and years. I've been through more med changes than I can count since I was 18 and it just takes finding the right balance to make a night and day difference. Saying to grin and bear it definitely doesn't help a depressed and stressed mama whatsoever! I would actually look into finding a new counselor/psych doc. I see a psych NP and have been at that practice for years. Recently she left and I've been through 2 more trying to find a good fit, plus I'm off eerything for this current preg, so we'll see how it goes when it's time to get back on. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Holler at me if you ever wanna talk! Is hubby supportive with all of this? I was scared to tell hubby that I had thoughts of hurting DS but once he knew how bad I felt and we had a really big blow out not long before that,we were finally able to get on the same page.
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  • So sorry you are going through this. There are specialists that have more insight into what you are going through and can help. You are not alone.

    To speak with a Postpartum Support International coordinator, please call 1800-944-4PPD. Their website is here: http://www.postpartum.net/

    Hold on, we?re all here for you.

    Bump Jackie

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  • imageBump Jackie:
    So sorry you are going through this. There are specialists that have more insight into what you are going through and can help. You are not alone.
    To speak with a Postpartum Support International coordinator, please call 18009444PPD. Their website is here: http://www.postpartum.net/
    Hold on, were all here for you.
    Bump Jackie

    This! Hugs! This is an awful disease and I've been there. Tried several meds and did lots of waiting around. Finally I got the right combo and dosages of meds and I have a great congnitive behavioral therapist! I do suggest finding a new counselor... They should never say to someone to just grin and bear it when you are this over stressed! Dangerous! Keep looking and keep trying the meds, I was hopeless too, but Trazodone, serequel and klonopin all does the trick for me. You can also PM me...you are not alone, lots of us on this forum have been there.
    PPD/PPA Mom...it has been super hard, but I'm making it! Slow steps...
    Mom to Carter (6), and Calianne (1).  
    Proud VBAC, natural birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering momma!

  • I am right there with you now.  Counseling is a joke and my meds just aren't working.  Been working on it since DS was 2 months old and he is now six months old.  I hate this.
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  • I completely understand!  I was where you were a few years ago.  Try different things.  Try different medication, try a different therapist, try meditation, try yoga, try working out.  Join a Mops group, or some sort of Moms group. Try church, or a night class at a university. 

    Here's what you need to know.  Depression lies.  What you are thinking is skewed.  Keep trying until you figure out what works for you.

     I know it seems overwhelming now.  I know it seems like you're NEVER going to get better and you're never going to be happy again.  I'm not going to tell you that it's easy, or that it doesn't take a long time to get back on track.  It's been 3 years since I tried to kill myself and I still have rough days.  But, I am BETTER than I was than.  I'm not cured.  But I am better.

    And you will be too.  Just keep trying.

  • I understand how you feel.  I have bipolar and was taken off my meds right before we were TTC, luckily I did extremely well during my pregnancy, however my anxiety came back 10 fold almost right after my son was born and I kept it hidden.  My son is currently 3 months old and I've hit bottom.

    I started having intrusive thoughts about harming my son, while at the same time being overly paranoid that something was going to happen to him and he would die.  I seriously have it stuck in my head that him even crying will cause him to die.  I have issues letting other people hold him, I even have issues letting other people take care of him in general.  It's not a healthy situation.

    My bipolar symptoms came back viciously and I just about had a complete breakdown.  This last week was the worst it's ever been.  I was put back on my meds two weeks ago and my psych nurse just had to increase my anti-depressant to help until I can have my Lamictal increased in 2 weeks.  I am currently on Lamictal, Zoloft and Ativan.

    I was also just diagnosed with Postpartum OCD last week as well.  So needless to say, sh*ts been REAL rough.

    Find yourself some different help.  Find someone willing to work with you on trying meds that WILL work for you because it sounds like whatever they have you on is not working at all.  Also find a new therapist.

    Many hugs to you.

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