I needed to vent :(

kpearse99

DH and I had a "little" conversation last night, and I say little because it didn't last long, about having a second LO.  He basically said he didn't want another one and he loves DS and that is enough.  I asked him "Well, couldn't you love another one just the same?" and he didn't answer.

I told him it was really unfair of him to just say he didn't want any without even the possibility of talking about it again or thinking about it again in like 2 years.  It's not like I was saying let's have one now, this very second.  I was talking about a few years from now.

I asked him why and he didn't really answer me.  Instead he looked at DS and said "Daddy upset Mommy."  NO SH!T!!!!!  He barely talked to me.  I've always known DH wasn't that much of a children person, he's never really grown up around them like I have, but he's always knows how much I love them and how much I've wanted kids.  We always joked around about how many we would have and laughed about things but never really had a set conversations as he's always kind of changed the topic.  I just can't imagine never being pregnant again and never having a sibling for DS or another LO for me to love.  I just can't picture it.

I know he'll come around to talking about it again, DS is only 8 months and we are just getting our new family life figured out, but it's still so upsetting and it's all I can think about right now. 

Anyone else in the same boat where they want more and their DS doesn't, or vise versa?  Sigh

mylittlesunshine

Didn't you guys talk about the number of children you wanted before getting married? Your DS is only 8 months old. Maybe the newborn days are still pretty fresh in his mind and at this time he is still learning about your first DS that another child isn't on his radar.

While my DH and I knew going into marriage we would have atleast 2. Talking about a second one didn't happen until DD1 was 18 months. We were still learning about being parents and I had kind of a rough recovery from my vaginal birth when she was 8 months old.

Right now we are both kind of  undecided if we will have a third. DD2 was a very difficult newborn and is just now coming around to being "easy" and "enjoyable" (as my husband put it). I would like a third (however ask me on different days and my answer is different...ha) and DH is still undecided. I see him look at newborns and he kind of melts so I have a feeling that once DD2 is getting close to 2 he might want another. But, if he doesn't...that is fine. Yes, I might grieve for being done with having children, but if my husband says we are done...we are done.

kpearse99

My husband likes to joke about things instead of have a straight forward conversation and all I ever got out of him was that there def. would not be 3 children. He never said no to 2 he always just said "we'll see" Which was has been fine. Just last night he caught me off guard when he said no. I do think he's still in the newborn phase, and I am too, but I didn't see the harm in talking about the possibility down the road. But I think deep down I know I need to let it go for a while and bring it back up when DS is 18-24 months. I do think he'll have a change of heart. Like I said, we are still figuring things out as new parents and our new role as a family together and it is getting easier and better. Thanks for the advice.

mamayo26

I'm sorry that happened to you. my DH is similar in that he doesn't really give a straight answer to a lot of things unless I sit him down ans say we NEED/HAVE to talk about this (whatever this happens to be at the time).

I only want to have one more (a girl preferably) but ONLY 1 more. I hated being pregnant especially in my third trimester, but want a sibling for DS. i would prefer for DS to be on his way out of diapers before we think about our second, I also want to enjoy DS's babyhood.

Once you have had a chance to cool down I would just tell your DH that you need to have an actual conversion about this (maybe when DS is asleep so he can't direct his attention to him and avoid the conversation). Keep it short and just let him know that you are thinking about another kid in the future and that you will need to discuss it. leave it as open ended as possible.

PS: Parker is flipping adorable! OMG! I love the lion one the most I think!  

Gismo123

mylittlesunshine:

Didn't you guys talk about the number of children you wanted before getting married? Your DS is only 8 months old. Maybe the newborn days are still pretty fresh in his mind and at this time he is still learning about your first DS that another child isn't on his radar. While my DH and I knew going into marriage we would have atleast 2. Talking about a second one didn't happen until DD1 was 18 months. We were still learning about being parents and I had kind of a rough recovery from my vaginal birth when she was 8 months old. Right now we are both kind ofnbsp; undecided if we will have a third. DD2 was a very difficultnbsp;newborn and is just now coming around to being "easy" and "enjoyable" as my husband put it. I would like a third however ask me on different days and my answer is different...ha and DH is still undecided. I see him look at newborns and he kind of melts so I have a feeling that once DD2 is getting close to 2 he might want another. But, if he doesn't...that is fine. Yes, I might grieve for being done with having children, but if mynbsp;husband says we are done...we are done.

This....you guys should have had this discussion before you got married. Not to sound harsh but your husband is acting like a child himself acting the way he did. It's not like you're jumping his bones ttc right that second.

My DH and I kid around about having to get a 2nd job if we have another one but it's just playing. We had the kid talk before we even got engaged. We both agreed on 2 kids with the possibility of adopting 1 more, DH has 2 adopted sisters so he is all for it.

kpearse99

NSYoder26:

I'm sorry that happened to you. my DH is similar in that he doesn't really give a straight answer to a lot of things unless I sit him down ans say we NEED/HAVE to talk about this (whatever this happens to be at the time).

I only want to have one more (a girl preferably) but ONLY 1 more. I hated being pregnant especially in my third trimester, but want a sibling for DS. i would prefer for DS to be on his way out of diapers before we think about our second, I also want to enjoy DS's babyhood.

Once you have had a chance to cool down I would just tell your DH that you need to have an actual conversion about this (maybe when DS is asleep so he can't direct his attention to him and avoid the conversation). Keep it short and just let him know that you are thinking about another kid in the future and that you will need to discuss it. leave it as open ended as possible.

PS: Parker is flipping adorable! OMG! I love the lion one the most I think!  

Thanks, NSYoder!  The lion one is my favorite too!

I'm glad my husband isn't the only one who avoids topics.  And yes, to what the other PP said, my DH does act like a child when it comes to having a serious coversation.

We did have a kids discussion before getting married, it just never included how many from his point of view.  I always talked about 2 kids, and he never really agreed or disagreed with it, all he ever does is give a joking/sarcastic comment like "Haha... so you think so?" 

I think what's best is for me to relax more and to have us enjoy Parker's babyhood together and make the most of it. 

It doesn't help that all of our family/friends get involved and always ask when number 2 is going to happen.  They always scare him off, they did that with "When are you going to propose?" and "so now that you are married, when are you having a baby?"  That kind of stuff doesn't work with my DH, you basically have to leave him alone to come to the realization on his own.  It's very frustrating at times, but I love him still!

kpearse99

jenniferb123006:

With DD1 [who was a super difficult baby], DH sprang the "we're done" conversation on me when she was 6 months old. She was hard; he was done. We had talked about kids prior to marriage agreeing on 4 or 6, but knowing we needed to see how one worked before setting anything in stone. So when he sprang that on me, I was livid! I had planned on 4 kids, not 1. As DD1 moved into toddlerhood, she's a great toddler. By the time she was 15 months old, he had changed his tune. He was willing to discuss more kids but wanted to wait to TTC until she was 2. Lo and behold, surprise BFP the next month. We were nervous but he actually came around to the idea quicker than I did. With DD2 who is a great baby, DH can already envision a 3rd; I can too. We are only waiting to try again due to financial reasons. So with all that said, I get being disappointed, but he may change his tune as LO gets bigger. I would definitely have a serious discussion about I though. You both need to be okay with having another, but you also both need to be okay with being done.

This was very helpful to read, Jennifer.  Thank you.  I do feel like he'll change his tune, but like you said it's hard to hear out of the blue like we did.  And yes, we both need to be okay with having more but also both being okay with being done.  Thanks again.

unaveragejane

We hit a similar snag trying to agree on whether or not to have any kids at all. Before we got married, I always said that I wanted to wait a while before we had kids and I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids at all. DH and I agreed to be married 5 years before we discussed it seriously. At that point, I thought it would be an open discussion of how many and when, but when I brought it up, DH said he would honestly prefer not to have any. That was a long, silent road trip. I mulled it over for a while, and (probably a few months later) I confessed that I was not okay with not even considering having kids. I asked him to at least think about it before he made a final decision. (I was unwilling to talk him into it or demand that he change his mind. I figured if the issue split us, it would be better to be sans baby in that situation.) Anyway, he thought about it and finally decided it might not be that bad. He just couldn't commit to saying, "Yeah, I want a kid." Anyway, that was a long story for me to basically say, guys don't think like we do. He may have said it without really thinking hard about it, and it is only wasted energy to let it hurt you. (I don't mean that to sound mean. You have every right to your feelings, but you might also change the way you feel if you look at it in a different light.) Hang in there!

kpearse99

unaveragejane:

We hit a similar snag trying to agree on whether or not to have any kids at all. Before we got married, I always said that I wanted to wait a while before we had kids and I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids at all. DH and I agreed to be married 5 years before we discussed it seriously. At that point, I thought it would be an open discussion of how many and when, but when I brought it up, DH said he would honestly prefer not to have any. That was a long, silent road trip. I mulled it over for a while, and (probably a few months later) I confessed that I was not okay with not even considering having kids. I asked him to at least think about it before he made a final decision. (I was unwilling to talk him into it or demand that he change his mind. I figured if the issue split us, it would be better to be sans baby in that situation.) Anyway, he thought about it and finally decided it might not be that bad. He just couldn't commit to saying, "Yeah, I want a kid." Anyway, that was a long story for me to basically say, guys don't think like we do. He may have said it without really thinking hard about it, and it is only wasted energy to let it hurt you. (I don't mean that to sound mean. You have every right to your feelings, but you might also change the way you feel if you look at it in a different light.) Hang in there!

Thanks, unaveragejane, and thank you for sharing your story/experience.

alizabethanne

I think you have already been open and honest about your desire for more children with your DH. I think at this point, because your baby is still young, DH needs more time to process everything.

I seriously know how you feel. My DH and I went through the same convo. But we agreed to one and done and I changed my mind. It just took him time to understand how I felt. I just needed to hear from him that the time would come and we would try again. I was so in need of reassurance that he knew I wanted more children and that he was open to it that I annoyed and stressed the heck out of him over it. He is the logical thinker and he needed to think about money and space in our home and if our car was big enough before he could decide how he felt.  

Sigir

ArkansasMom22:

DH and I had a very frank conversation regarding how many children we wanted before we got married to be sure we were on the same page. It sounds like you and your DH don't really have direct conversations, which I think is important. I think you need to tell him that you really want to talk to him about your family and what you both see as the right size family. You both need to be open and honest to make sure you are on the same page.

Ita. Op in one of your follow up posts you said "yes we did have the conversation. I said I wanted 2 and dh said nothing". That's not having a conversation!

You need to work on your communication skills in general before broaching the topic of more kids. Have you ever considered a short course of marriage counseling to tune up your communication? It could really help!

thatoneredhead

If my husband asked me if I wanted another right now, we wouldnt have a conversation. I would probably just give a weird little laugh and continue what I was doing *unless of course he really wanted to talk about it and then we would

I agree with PPs that maybe it is too soon for his mind to process having another one of these little things scooting around.  

FWIW, I personally dont think this necessarily needs to be one of things completely hammered out before you get married. We said 1 or 2. Well, my pregnancy wiped our savings and we've really struggled with some issues PP. We werent expecting that and even though we said 2, alot has changed.

I wouldnt give up hope

Good luck 

kpearse99

Sigir:

ArkansasMom22:

DH and I had a very frank conversation regarding how many children we wanted before we got married to be sure we were on the same page. It sounds like you and your DH don't really have direct conversations, which I think is important. I think you need to tell him that you really want to talk to him about your family and what you both see as the right size family. You both need to be open and honest to make sure you are on the same page.

Ita. Op in one of your follow up posts you said "yes we did have the conversation. I said I wanted 2 and dh said nothing". That's not having a conversation!

You need to work on your communication skills in general before broaching the topic of more kids. Have you ever considered a short course of marriage counseling to tune up your communication? It could really help!

We don't need counseling, we actually do have a really great marriage. I'm more of the talker and he's not. It typically works for us, we just hit a bump.
After reading all the posts i really do think it's just too soon for him to even think about having more children and i know him well enough that i shouldn't have pushed the topic just yet. We do communicate, always have, he just doesn't get really vocal unless he's mentally ready and prepared. It's different but generally works for us.
I appreciate all the advice though, i just need to relax and give it more time.

kpearse99

thatoneredhead:

If my husband asked me if I wanted another right now, we wouldnt have a conversation. I would probably just give a weird little laugh and continue what I was doing unless of course he really wanted to talk about it and then we wouldI agree with PPs that maybe it is too soon for his mind to process having another one of these little things scooting around. nbsp;FWIW, I personally dont think this necessarily needs to be one of things completely hammered out before you get married. We said 1 or 2. Well, my pregnancy wiped our savings and we've really struggled with some issues PP. We werent expecting that and even though we said 2, alot has changed.I wouldnt give up hope :Good lucknbsp;

THANK YOU!!! i agree with you completely!