Mother/daughter relationship

katyms7

It has been about 6 months that we lost our first child, my dear angel Frankie. I have been hearing from other family members how upset my mom is with our loss. She is worried about me and my well being. She is also worried we wont have more kids, which is far from the truth.

Has anyone else having a relationship change with your mom? Any suggestions on how to get through this awkward time would be greatly appreciated.

ajustice25

I know exactly how you feel..when my daughter passed,my mom took it the same way as me and my husband..you wldve thought it was her child but it was her first granddaughter so I can see why she's so upset..just as much as she is worried abt me,I'm worried abt her..in 2 weeks It'll be 2 months since we lost aria.my mom has a Hard time mainly bc while I was getting together after delivery,my mom have her a bath and lotioned/clothed her so she had a short time to bond with her and it really messed her up bc it something that she'll never be able to have.she even called me before crying bc she found it hard to walk passed baby clothes..it does and will seem awkward but things will get better..believe me you are not the only one dealing with this situation from your mother..hugs!!!

katyms7

ajustice25:

I know exactly how you feel..when my daughter passed,my mom took it the same way as me and my husband..you wldve thought it was her child but it was her first granddaughter so I can see why she's so upset..just as much as she is worried abt me,I'm worried abt her..in 2 weeks It'll be 2 months since we lost aria.my mom has a Hard time mainly bc while I was getting together after delivery,my mom have her a bath and lotioned/clothed her so she had a short time to bond with her and it really messed her up bc it something that she'll never be able to have.she even called me before crying bc she found it hard to walk passed baby clothes..it does and will seem awkward but things will get better..believe me you are not the only one dealing with this situation from your mother..hugs!!!

Thank you for your positive words that things will get better. I am so sorry for your loss of Aria, hugs to you!

This was not my mom's first grandchild. She seems to be avoiding my brother and his family that have 3 kids. She doesn't want to do anything and lacks complete initiative for everything. She has been telling other familiy members that she is worried that I am depressed. I have told her numerous times that I am doing as best as can be expected. I am going to a counselor, keeping very busy, and I actually tell her we are doing well and focusing on our future. I feel like she is "scared and avoiding" me. I want to tell her she can cry in front of me and talk to me about things but I think she feels that she is the mother and needs to keep strong for me. A lot of times over the last 6 months, I feel like I need to be strong for everyone else. I really hate to see the relationship changing with my mom right now.

HullGut

Good Morning, 

 I am so sorry for the loss of baby Frankie. I completely understand where you are coming from with your Mom. My Mom and I are very close. She lost a daughter at 37 weeks before she had me. So she has been a great source of support and comfort. She really gets it. But she also holds back and is not as open when she is sad. I know its because she is trying to protect me and doesn't want to upset me. A few weeks ago she was sad and told me and we cried together about it. She felt awful for making me cry. I tried to explain to her that she is not making me cry, my sadness is making me cry. She has been opening up more since then. I am glad we can talk about it and grieve together. Its just so hard.  

tuscanbride2007

I don't know if this is true for your mother, but my mother-in-law has told me that she finds our loss hard for her because she not only grieves for the loss of her granddaughter, but she also grieves for her children. She just wants to make the pain go away for us. Maybe this is what your mother is experiencing? 

((HUGS)) to you.

Heatherhah

My mom took it like she lost a baby too. She couldn't hold or look at babies very similar to me. I think it is because moms are so upset to lose a grandbaby but they also see you grieiving and they feel so sad since they can't help their baby from being sad. My mom told me that she felt so sad that she couldn't look hold or even see a baby. I didn't get it but she was grieiving the loss on 2 levels. I think  it is extra hard on moms because they can't fix their daughters.

Hugs!!

Heather 

  

hhudson92

This. My mother is having a rough time also. I didn't realize it until a couple weeks ago, she told me she gets no sleep at night. She said all she ever thinks about is us being in the hospital. The events keep playing through her mind and she can't get them out of her mind. She has seen a counselor to help her through. She is also taking something to help her sleep, I think her lack of sleep a big part in it.

((hugs)) to you

lenya_35

tuscanbride2007:

I don't know if this is true for your mother, but my mother-in-law has told me that she finds our loss hard for her because she not only grieves for the loss of her granddaughter, but she also grieves for her children. She just wants to make the pain go away for us. Maybe this is what your mother is experiencing? 

((HUGS)) to you.

I think this is true.  I know my parents are worried about me and don't want to see me hurting.

Hugs! 

katyms7

Thank you Ladies for your support and guidance.

 I know that my mom is going through a rough time. She is so upset for me, worried about me, and grieving her grandchild. It is very hard for her and I understand that. I spent a lot of time thinking about it today and I want to talk to her about it. We are not a lovey and emotional family. I wanted her to know how I felt but give her privacy to deal with her feelings on her own. I wrote her a letter and mailed it to her. I was going to email her but I felt this was more personal to write it in a letter in a sweet card letting her know I am thinking of her.

cmenasco

My mom and I are very close and she actually works at the hospital where I was admitted, so she was the first one to be there with me.  She held my hand through it all and this was going to be the first girl grand baby that she was SO excited for.  I think she is also just so worried about me and how I am doing.  For Christmas I got her a little heart with Baby Girl (that's what we called her) and her birth date on it on a necklace....to this day she has not taken it off.  Sometimes I think my mom knows more what I am feeling and more sensitive to the subject than my DH is....but that is just the bond we have I think.    

Xath

I think this article does a good job at detailing the grandmother's grief process.  It helped me empathize with what my mom is going through.

  https://stillstandingmag.com/2012/06/first-you-cry-twice-a-grandparents-grief/

 

In retrospect, I realize that grandparents mourn twice ? once for the grandchild you so eagerly anticipate but perhaps even more so, you hurt like never before for your own child. My maternal instinct was to comfort and protect my daughter ? but there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it for her. It was the most horrible feeling in the world. I wanted to kiss away this boo-boo like I did when she was a child.

 

katyms7

gertiebarden:

I think this article does a good job at detailing the grandmother's grief process.  It helped me empathize with what my mom is going through.

  https://stillstandingmag.com/2012/06/first-you-cry-twice-a-grandparents-grief/

 

In retrospect, I realize that grandparents mourn twice ? once for the grandchild you so eagerly anticipate but perhaps even more so, you hurt like never before for your own child. My maternal instinct was to comfort and protect my daughter ? but there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it for her. It was the most horrible feeling in the world. I wanted to kiss away this boo-boo like I did when she was a child.

 

This is a very good article. Thank you for posting. That really helped to understand what she is going through as well.

weddedwife

I don't have any answers for you, but my relationship with my mom has changed for the worse. It was strained at best to begin with. There was a good six months where I didn't even want to talk to her. Now it's slightly better but I'd call it just borderline tolerable...for short periods of time.

I'm sure she struggled, but she never talked about it. She never mentioned my son. She told other family members not to mention him to me, and I can't get past that. I just don't know how to relate to someone who bottles up their emotions like that.