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School-Aged Children
organicmom84
member
Experienced Moms please help me out! :)
organicmom84
member
Hello Ladies,
I hope some other experienced moms can offer some advice, I apologize in advance for my novel.
I
just dropped my 7 year off at school after a VERY rough morning. I've
been very uncomfortable recently and so my normal super-mom activities
have been curtailed. I can no longer do everything for my 7 year old, I
fold his laundry but get winded making frequent trips upstairs to put it
away( and so I insist he do it), and I've generally been trying to give
him more responsibility (for himself) to acclimate him to the changes
that will occur when DS2 arrives.
On Saturday I did all the laundry from the week and folded his clothes. I then called him to take them and put them away. He has 8 drawers on his bunk beds where we keep his clothes. Each drawer is supposed to be designated for a specific item,however, I don't micromanage him. He can put his clothes in any drawer but he MUST be able to find those clothes. This a.m. I woke him up for school and told him to get a pair of school jeans that had been washed and folded on Saturday. He immediately starts whining because I requested he get his own clothes for school (again, I'm not going to be able to lay his clothes out on hectic mornings after baby arrives and I am trying to get him to get himself ready). He then proceeds to make frequent trips downstairs with 'play jeans' and stomps and cries when I tell him those aren't the jeans we need and again explain to him that I gave him his school jeans to put away Saturday and he must find them himself. After 15 minutes of hearing him slam doors and cry loudly he finally comes downstairs with the pants (that were upstairs like I said they would be). It became a huge battle and I will admit that I lost my temper and laid into him about how he needs to be more responsible and put things where he can find them as I won't have time to baby him and lay his clothes out once the new LO arrives.
I'm frustrated, it seems anytime I insist/ask that he take more responsibility for himself it turns into a temper tantrum. I'm not really a morning person but I try to hold myself in check and usually succeed. This a.m. however I didn't because it seems the closer it gets to LO's arrival the worse my son acts. I know this probably has something to do with his anxiety about a new family member who will demand my attention and I've tried to address it with him several times. I want him to know that the new LO is going to demand a lot of my time but that doesn't mean I won't have time for him. Anyway, I'm hoping some other more experienced moms can give me some advice. I'm at a loss and I feel like these constant daily battles with my son are not only a crappy start to the day but also testing the limits of my sanity. He has definitely been misbehaving more often (e.g. breaking the rules outside, being rude and disrespectful, yelling, and having emotional outbursts).
I'm tired, I'm overly emotional and I just feel like that my words to my son are falling on deaf ears. Any advice from other mom's of older kids is much appreciated. I think that 7 has been the hardest age/stage I've dealt with thus far and we have a lonnnnng way to go before we reach 8!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Experienced Moms please help me out! :)
And I assume the kids do not have the same father, I imagine he is worried amou gh about his place in the family without Mom telling him that she will have no time for him. And seriously, why will you not be able to put away his close when the baby comes?
As a side note, I do not have an issue if this is his chore, I have an issue with WHy it is his responsibility.
I agree with what the PP's have written but I would also suggest that if he is going to be responsible for picking out his own clothes that you have him do it the night before rather than in the morning. Also, if you are adding new responsibilities for him, I think that is fine, I would just change the approach. Make a chore chart, add rewards or some sort of incentive, anything to make the change more fun and easier for him to swallow. Otherwise, you will be facing an uphill battle, especially if a lot is changing for him at one time.
I would also stop telling him you will have less time for him once the new baby comes, even if it is true. That will only lead to resentment and him fighting everything even more.
GL!
I would try to go at this differently and know that some of this is age related and some has to do with the changes coming his way. I would work with him on setting some standard routines so mornings go more smoothly and he knows what to do and when so its not you telling him what to do every step of the way. As part of the bedtime routine, have him pick out his clothes for school. Help him at first and then he will get used to it. Also have him get his bag ready and whatever else he needs in the morning. When he wakes up, work with him on what works as far as order - get dressed, brush teeth, brush hair, etc.
We have done the morning routine in the same order forever with the girls so they can just do it - at bedtime, we pick out school clothes and make sure school bags are ready. When the girls wake up, they get dressed, go potty, brush teeth and hair and head to the kitchen to eat. When I or my DH say its time to go, they head to the door for shoes, coats and out to the car we go. We are ready from wake-up to driving away in about 30 mins.
Stay strong, Mama!
I think you have a couple of factors converging to create the parenting struggle you're experiencing with your son.
--At 7, he's well aware that the new baby is going to bring a lot of changes to his life. An older child knows full well that not all of these changes are going to be (at first) fantastic for him. This type of clingy, resistant, passive behavior is the way he's trying to cling to the good old days before they disappear.
--7 year olds definitely go through a sassy stage. This is an age when their physical growth slows, but they make a big leap in terms of emotional, intellectual, and especially social growth. They desire to be more independent and more like "big kids" but they recognize that this means taking on more responsibility. Kids have mixed feelings about this, and the result is that 7 year olds can be sort of difficult at times. It's sort of like the toddler years all over again, but not as extreme and with more verbal/less physical acting out.
--Some kids seem to relish having mom take care of them while others seem to enjoy taking on new responsibilities. My two kids differ in this way. DD is a little more eager to do her own thing (and thus get me out of her business) while DS would be perfectly content if I continued to wait on him like a pampered prince every day. He plays the fake-helpless "I don't know how to do it! I need help!" card every chance he can. It's SO annoying! If I'm not really vigilant, I wind up getting sucked into his routine, and before I know it, I'm doing the job myself. Grr!
I think the key is to be firm and don't take his shenanigans personally. He comes out with play jeans on, don't get upset. Just say, "Nope. Try again. Those are play jeans." He whines, "I couldn't fiiiiiiind school jeans. Yoooooou come find them for me!" Don't take the bait. Just say, "Oh, I'm sure if you look harder, you'll find them. Keep trying." Then ignore him until he comes back with school jeans on. If he really, truly can't find them after a few legitimate tries, of course you help. If he can't find them because he did a sloppy job of putting them away, then after homework but before play this afternoon, he has to reorganize his drawers. But put it all on him. Prepare for whining and resistance. Again, don't take the bait.
Then, once he dresses himself or gets his clothes organized, praise him. But not too much. If you go overboard, it sends him the message "oh -- this job really WAS hard. I really WAS right to try to get mom to do it for me." Just a quick "good job, buddy!" or a quick high five sends the right message, which is "I knew you could do it!"
Last summer, I actually told my kids "It's the Summer Of Independence!" I stopped making breakfast and lunch for them, they developed their own chore lists, I taught DD how to cook using the stove, and taught DS how to do his own laundry and pack his own bag for vacation (using a list I provide.) Now, they don't do all of these things every day, but the important thing is I know they CAN, if necessary. Now it's easier for me to hold them accountable.
In addition, you will make your life a lot easier if you don't say stuff to him like, "I won't be able to do all this for you when the baby is born!"
What a threat! Naturally, he associates the coming of the baby with losing your services and being displaced by a new "favorite."
You want to emphasize to him that it's normal and right at age 7 to put away your own clothes, to pick out your own clothes and dress yourself in the morning, to help a bit around the house with age-appropriate chores. And the reward for that responsibility is that a 7 y/o gets to do things like: play sports on a team, having friends over for sleepovers, go to activities at school, have his own spending money, make his own choices about meals and snacks (within reason.)
And don't talk too much about needing his help WITH the baby. Talk about how great it will be to have both a baby AND a big kid. How it'll be a great break for you after dealing with a baby, to do something more fun like quiz him on spelling or math flashcards. This will reassure him that you're still there for him -- just not providing the same kind of parenting care that the baby will be getting, because that's not what a big kid needs.
And be patient if this is a new routine, big change for him too. While yes, he should be able to do things... reminding him what a great big brother he is going to be and encouraging him will go a long way.
So, the question was how do I get my child to take some responsibility for himself. I'm trying to not be defensive as I asked for the advice but since we're operating on assumptions I'm going to assume your children also need you to cut and chew their food for them so they can eat. We're teaching our children to function as adults who don't live in our basement until they are 30. My child isn't operating under the assumption that he will be the forgotten child once LO arrives. Instead what I'm trying to convey is that he has had 7 years of guidance and assistance and it is now time to come into his own and be able to dress himself for school and retrieve the clean laundry that HE puts away. I really hope you reconsider your position and give your children some responsibility because IMO children who aren't expected to function as part of a team in a household are the ones that my tax dollars support and provide three hots and a cot.
Good luck with that!
I appreciate your responses. I replied previously, however, that was directed to the first responder who seemed appalled that I would ask anything from my child.
After reading the rest of the responses I would like to clarify a few things:
1 My son has had 'responsibility' in some way, shape, or form since he turned 4. He has to clean his room, put away his clean clothes, and on Saturdays he cleans the sinks in both bathrooms. Responsibility isn't new to him but he's in 1st grade this year and I'll admit I did too much in kindergarten I.e. Dressed him while he was halfasleep because it was his first year of school and I only had to get the two of us ready.
2 DS's play jeans are stained and have holes in the knees. While it wouldn't be the end of the world if he wore them to school I like for him to take pride in his appearance and as part of that he should want to wear jeans that don't look like I picked them up from a quarter yardsale table.
3 I think some of you believed that I was telling my child or implying he wouldn't matter anymore, have as much time with Mom and Dad etc. When LO arrives. That wasn't my intention and I don't think he feels that way he just resent having to function in the mornings.
I appreciate all of you who responded with encouragement instead of judgment and agree it's a transition period and I need to stay strong. I am human and I do have moments where my human side trumps my mom side and that occurred this morning. I wish that many of you who believe it is crazy to ask anything from your children at this age would be a little more supportive and a little less assuming and judgmental. Its sad that even in an online forum women feel the need to judge and assume instead of support and encourage.
I'm not asking that anyone approve my way of raising my children to be responsible. How you raise your children is your personal choice but when I was 7 I had three younger siblings and a working single parent. I didn't just have to clean my room or ind my clothes I also had to help my younger siblings through their morning routines. My child has the freedom and opportunity to actually be a child and not the other parent at my house. I have spent 6 years picking up after him and asking very little but we are now expanding our family and what I want him to understand is that the world will no longer revolve around just him as a new baby will arrive and need time and attention.
I posted the same post on my birth club board April 2013 and received some great and supportive responses. I also received some great suggestions and not one person implied that asking a 7 y.o. To find his school clothes was outrageous. I'm not asking him to be my Designated Driver home from a bar or to get himself ready while I remain in the bed to sleep in. Lets try and keep it in perspective, he needs to be able to locate and dress himself in clothes that I wash and fold for him....and really, it's a reasonable request.
Absolutely lay clothes out the night before. Or, stack them in "outfits" when you fold them. Pants, shirt, underwear, socks all together and then ask him to put them that way in a drawer specified for school clothes. Sounds like your son is not a morning person. Neither is my daughter. I try to be understanding of that and make mornings easier on all of us by getting as much done the night before as possible.
I agree with you that chores and responsibility for himself and as a member of a family are necessary at this age, but don't tie it into the arrival of the baby if you can help it. He's bound to fight that more than if you just presented it as something that comes along with growing up.
Good luck!
First, I'd start by picking your battles. Play jeans vs school jeans is not an argument I'd have.
2nd: have discussions about responsibilites when things are calm. Like over breakfast Saturday morning.
3rd: let go of some of your standards. You're going to have to just go with it for a while; being very pregnant with a kid is hard, having a newborn and a kid is hard. Just....go with it. Don't try and control it.
I haven't read all the replies yet, I confess.
When DD was 6y3m, DS was born. When I was pregnant with him, it became glaringly obvious how much we had babied DD and the things I would no longer be capable of doing once DS arrived. (Or I should say, wouldn't be able to do ROUTINELY.) It was hard for her when I'd say, "Now, I need you to do XYZ because when the baby comes I'm not going to be able to anymore." I realized how much it seemed like the baby was forcing her out of her place and she suddenly needed to grow up, when it was MY fault that she was still very needy in the first place.
I had to be more careful to choose my words with her, so not to associate the baby with these changes (for the most part). I also made sure to squeeze in more quality time in those last few weeks, and planned ahead (and mentioned to her) the times we would have together (for example, once the baby went down for the night she and I could do something like play a game or read a book).
As for choosing clothes, make him do it the night before. DD isn't a morning person AT ALL, so chores for the next morning (picking clothes, helping pack her lunch) are done the night before so that in the morning all she has to do is get dressed, eat breakfast, and go... because even then sometimes it's a challenge!
GL. I love the age gap in our kids, but I also realize how hard the transition was for DD, even though she was excited for the new baby to arrive!
When you connect "you need to be more responsible" with "I won't be able to do this stuff when the baby comes along" it can SEEM to a child like that's what you're trying to say. That's why people thought you were implying
I think everyone is trying to convey that he needs to take more responsibility for routine things like getting dressed, getting ready for school, small chores around the house, etc., because that's what's normal for a 7 y/o, not because of the arrival of a new baby.
You did get hit with some pretty harsh replies to your situation right off the bat, which is not the norm for this board. I think your parenting dilemma is actually really common! It's certainly something I've dealt with in my home, and not even connected to having another baby.
However, to be fair to the people who replied early in the thread, your original post conveyed more frustration with your son than you express in your subsequent replies.
Congrats on your baby on the way. I just found out Im pregnant 2 days ago and I have one child. A 9 year old son. I am freaking out about the transitioning too!
Anyways, roll orfold his school clothes into outfits. And make sure he divides the school outfits from his play ones. Therefore all he has to do is grab any rolled/square folded outfit from whatever drawers/sections they are in. Roll a shirt, jeans, undies, and socks into an outfit. Its so much faster to pick out in the morning.
I am only about 4 weeks pregnant but have already been thinking of way that will help my 9 year old ONLY CHILD transition into the sibling life. Always make sure that he is still the love of your life and give him lots of one on one mommy time before baby arrives. And yes, your time is going to make a drastic cut from your 7 year old when baby is born but always make sure to set time aside just for him so resentment isnt a huge issue. Good luck