The last time I posted on a board like this I was 34 and TTC. Now I'm 43 and trying to adopt my first child. Lots of things, both good and bad, happened between then and now, but there is a strange symmetry to coming back to this type of forum to find much needed support.
DH and I were in the process of adopting a little girl from St. Petersburg when the Russian government banned Americans from adopting there in December. We had been on the adoption path for almost a year and had completed our home study, international adoption training, official orphan license from the Office of Homeland Security, more training, fingerprinting, etc. We were ready and really thought we would be parents by Spring, but the new Cold War stopped that dream in its tracks.
Now we are pursuing domestic adoption, have retained an attorney and are in the process of getting our paperwork together to go to court. While that sounds like progress, I don't feel motivated at all. I am terrified of throwing myself back into the breach, terrified of having hope and terrified that I will give up because of that fear.
I find myself angry at God lately for the seeming unfairness of it all. Why some women can conceive so easily while others can't. Why some couples have to sell themselves in photo books and websites and newspaper classified ads while others take parenthood for granted. And I am afraid that, if my faith is shaky, we will never find our baby because what is adoption based on if not faith. I'm a mess.
So here is my plea. If anyone out there has felt this way and found their way through, please say hello. Please share any advise you have or just let me know you are out there. I think that will give me hope, which I really need right now.
Thank you in advance.