A newbie's story

ktgirl40

Hi there.

The last time I posted on a board like this I was 34 and TTC. Now I'm 43 and trying to adopt my first child. Lots of things, both good and bad, happened between then and now, but there is a strange symmetry to coming back to this type of forum to find much needed support. 

DH and I were in the process of adopting a little girl from St. Petersburg when the Russian government banned Americans from adopting there in December. We had been on the adoption path for almost a year and had completed our home study, international adoption training, official orphan license from the Office of Homeland Security, more training, fingerprinting, etc. We were ready and really thought we would be parents by Spring, but the new Cold War stopped that dream in its tracks.

Now we are pursuing domestic adoption, have retained an attorney and are in the process of getting our paperwork together to go to court. While that sounds like progress, I don't feel motivated at all. I am terrified of throwing myself back into the breach, terrified of having hope and terrified that I will give up because of that fear.

I find myself angry at God lately for the seeming unfairness of it all. Why some women can conceive so easily while others can't. Why some couples have to sell themselves in photo books and websites and newspaper classified ads while others take parenthood for granted. And I am afraid that, if my faith is shaky, we will never find our baby because what is adoption based on if not faith. I'm a mess.

So here is my plea. If anyone out there has felt this way and found their way through, please say hello. Please share any advise you have or just let me know you are out there. I think that will give me hope, which I really need right now.

Thank you in advance.  

k 

IRR

I am getting sad for you just reading your post.  Welcome to the board.  I may not be the right one to offer you the hope you need right now since everything you  wrote feels like it could have come out of my mouth as well.  Although not a failed adoption from Russia, we did have one in December where we got to parent in the hospital for two days only to have the EM "change her mind" after we had been matched for 6 months.  We have hit the reset button this year and are now restarting our search.  This is a wild roller coaster ride, but there is no better place to share your frustrations and small successes with than with the ladies on this board and hopefully one day we will be celebrating your family and new LO.  Best of luck.

cogbot

I have not been through a failed adoption, but I understand your struggle with faith.  It seems like whenever I get impatient, my anger is going straight to God.   My heart knows I shouldn't be angry with the One who has provided so much.  But I am angry.  I am like a toddler throwing a fit because things aren't going the way I want.  Then guilt sets in.   I struggle to process everything, but I have to have faith that I will hold my child one day and it will all make sense.

ktgirl40

Best of luck to you as your search starts again. You are very brave and will find your wee one, I know it. Thank you for the kind words. I am so happy I posted here -- it already has helped make me feel like I am not alone. x

ktgirl40

@cogbot - Thank you for taking the time to post back to me. I know just how you feel, and it is such a relief to know I am not alone in my questioning and anger. I have to believe that we were giving these challenges because we could shoulder them and I know that we will be able to teach our children about resiliency because we are living it. God's work is all around us, even on days when it is hard to see. You absolutely WILL hold your child one day and all this will fall away as you are filled with love. x

Jenn is Silly

The best advice I can give to you- is to journal.  I look back at my journal before DD came to us, and while it was so much pain, it's so therapeutic to me and reassures me more then ever of the love God has for us, and anytime I hit a rough spot it reminds me that His plan is so much greater then ours.

Your child will come to you, and when he or she does, you will be forever grateful for the broken road that lead you to them.  It may not seem like it now, but you are walking in the most perfect plan ever imagined.

Peace and prayers to you!  

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