Question regarding my partner — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Question regarding my partner

Hello dads! So I have a question regarding my situation and I wanted to know if anyone else has gone through this. So me and my fianc just had a beautiful baby boy 4 months ago. We are staying with her mom which is already very frustrating seeing as she wants to tell us what to do with our son a lot. This is expected though because she is his grandma. So a little background on my schedule. I go to school full time for nursing during the week from 8am3pm and then on Friday I work 312am and Saturday/Sunday I work from 10am10pm. My fianc does not work or go to school so she spends the most time with our son. I have been getting upset lately because I try to suggest things we should try with our son ie: making a set nap time, feeding him fruit in the am and cereal in the pm to promote longer sleeping and it seems like every time I try to suggest something it starts and argument and I just feel like I don't have a say with anything regarding my sons life. We are both new parents and my fianc has had experience with her nephew and other babies in her family. I have zero experience with babies whatsoever but I still like to make suggestions about his car. It seems like every time I suggest something it gets blown off and when we try to have a conversation about it my fianc will turn it in to an argument and she thinks I'm acting like I know it all. I actually know nothing but I have a good head of my shoulders and only want the best for our son. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this or has any suggestions. If you guys need anymore information about our situation please let me know and I will add it. Thanks in advance dads!

Re: Question regarding my partner

  • Sorry for the typos, I am posting from my iPhone so a lot of words are being cut off. I do apologize
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  • From a female/new mom perspective here my husband who has a bunch of nieces and nephews (but never really did anything but feed a bottle/hold them) he tries to suggest things to me.  and I just glare at him.  :).  in my mind I know baby best- I am home with him more, and though I didn't have much experience with babies before hand either, I have a lot of friends who have babies.  So when H suggests something that I don't agree with ill try and tell him what I have been told.  If you really want some of your suggestions heard, do a little research on what you want (like getting on a sleep schedule and such).  and tell her why that might be a good idea to try.  actually when I was trying to get LO in a bed time routine H didnt think it was necessary. 

    also just an fyi if your baby is only 4 months old if given the OK from the dr you can start solids, but usually they suggest at that age 1 small "meal" a day like a tablespoon of rice cereal/oatmeal or a fruit/veggie. It will take baby a little bit to really catch on to eating and eat more.  You don't need to be doing 2 meals with baby for  a while yet. 

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  • Couple of ideas, maybe incorporate one, or a combination of these tacts to potentially help:

    - Ask her why she's doing things the way she is... not in an accusatory, I don't think you are doing it right way kind of way, but more of a, I want to be more engaged and want to see why we are doing things like this way.  It will make you seem more engaged (not saying you aren't) and may open her up to accepting suggestion more.  It may also open your eyes as to why things are done the way they are... maybe the pediatrician said to do it this way and not that way for a reason and answer questions you may have had.

    - Do your research.  If you think that your son needs to be eating 2 "solid" meals a day at this age, show her REASONABLE sources that show that this is a good idea.  Not just some random website no one has ever heard of, but a respected source.  Talk to your pediatrician, even if it is just a phone consult, consult major parenting websites.

    - Talk to your fiance, tell her that while you respect her opinion and appreciate everything she does for your son, that you are the dad and while you may not be at home as much as you would like, that you would like a say in your child's care, not that you want to rule with an iron fist, but to be included in major care decisions.

  • imageColtsdad:

    Couple of ideas, maybe incorporate one, or a combination of these tacts to potentially help:

    - Ask her why she's doing things the way she is... not in an accusatory, I don't think you are doing it right way kind of way, but more of a, I want to be more engaged and want to see why we are doing things like this way.  It will make you seem more engaged (not saying you aren't) and may open her up to accepting suggestion more.  It may also open your eyes as to why things are done the way they are... maybe the pediatrician said to do it this way and not that way for a reason and answer questions you may have had.

    - Do your research.  If you think that your son needs to be eating 2 "solid" meals a day at this age, show her REASONABLE sources that show that this is a good idea.  Not just some random website no one has ever heard of, but a respected source.  Talk to your pediatrician, even if it is just a phone consult, consult major parenting websites.

    - Talk to your fiance, tell her that while you respect her opinion and appreciate everything she does for your son, that you are the dad and while you may not be at home as much as you would like, that you would like a say in your child's care, not that you want to rule with an iron fist, but to be included in major care decisions.

    This. But as mothers, we tend to think we know best. And we usually do. Stick out tongue


    BFP #1 ended in MMC. Discovered Oct 2005 @10w5d, baby stopped growing around 6w. D&C.
    BFP#2 Nov 2005. Baby's heart stopped @ 8w3d. D&C Jan 2006. Trisomy 18
    BFP#3 Nov 2006. My "miracle baby" DD born 7/25/07
    BFP #4 11/6/12. EDD 7/16/13~my birthday! No sac found @ 5w1d, betas not increasing. Natural m/c started 11/20/12.

    BFP#5 11/9/13.  EDD 7/21/14  Our beautiful rainbow born on his due date!!

  • But i agree, a sleep schedule is a must!


    BFP #1 ended in MMC. Discovered Oct 2005 @10w5d, baby stopped growing around 6w. D&C.
    BFP#2 Nov 2005. Baby's heart stopped @ 8w3d. D&C Jan 2006. Trisomy 18
    BFP#3 Nov 2006. My "miracle baby" DD born 7/25/07
    BFP #4 11/6/12. EDD 7/16/13~my birthday! No sac found @ 5w1d, betas not increasing. Natural m/c started 11/20/12.

    BFP#5 11/9/13.  EDD 7/21/14  Our beautiful rainbow born on his due date!!

  • This is all about communication.  There are a lot of things going on in your life, and with each of those things it adds stress to your aready very busy life.  I think every new parent is never prepared for how busy life becomes after the baby arrives.  I can only imagine how that feels for a young man trying to establish himself in his career and in his role as a father and provider for his family.  I applaud the self determination you are exercising in those areas.  I can only imagine how rewarding it will feel for you once you get through school and start your career.  You are setting a good example for your own son, and that is the most important thing you can do for him.

    I cannot pretend to know what it is like to live with a mother in law.  I cringe when I think about it, so it probably is not all that fun at times.  But in your situation, you are going to do what you gotta do...I get that completely.

    But for these reasons it becomes even more important that an emphasis be put on communication to work through these things to make sure you and your partner are on the same page about the most important thing in this equation, your child. Your child is unique, and while the child is classified as an infant, with certain generalized traits, he is still unique to himself. So how the two of you care for him will have more to do with how he functions in the household in a healthy way, then with some generalized overview of what a child should be doing by this or that date.

    So the two of you, through interaction with your son, will have to communicate as you interact with him, and bring up concerns and ideas that may, or may not, work with your son.  You will find, when the focus of conversation is geared on his development and happiness, it is much easier to do it in a loving and caring way.  And that can lead to talking about other stresses and areas of life that can effect the household.

    People get mad at one another, and people can feel slighted and hurt when our partner says things that we may not want to hear from them.  That is called being human.  But to stop talking creates resentment, and it is the presence of resentment that kills relationships.  So keep talking, keep debating, keep sharing ideas, and know that by talking, and listening to one another, even as you may disagree, you are being healthy, and you will be working on your relationship at the same time.

    image

  • imagepolooo26:

    Maybe ditch the iphone and put that money towards getting your own place.

    Seriously though, she's spending the most time with the kid and has a system. Whatever you say won't have much credibility. Until you're the one doing all the feedings you won't have much say. 

    On the other hand, you suggesting fruit in the morning doesn't seem like something that should turn into an argument. So your girl has a temper or you're not coming across well. I don't see a problem with, hey, I read that fruit in the morning is good. What do you think?

    On the third hand, maybe your kid doesn't like fruit yet and it's hard to feed that to him so you suggesting it is just annoying. Tired people dealing with a baby all day don't like annoying people who aren't dealing with a baby all day.

    But seriously though, ditch the iphone. People living with their mother-in-law and have an iphone are just annoying.

    The guy is doing everything right (full time student and working 30+hours a week) and you are bytchin about an iPhone?

    Seems odd to me......For all you know he could be paying rent to live there. And he is obviously providing as best he can while he ensures his earning potential will be good as he raises his child (attending college while working close to full time).  With all the deadbeats out there, bailing on thier kids and the mother, this young man seems to know exactly what he needs to do for his family.  I applaud what he is doing with his life.  This kid is seeing his mom and dad together, so the iPhone is really petty, in my opinion.

    image

  • I think even if you have never been a father before, the fact that you are a Nursing student might give you access to information that your fiance does not have access to.

    I also think that what might be happening is that you are making suggestions (not sure what tone you are using or how you are approacing it) but all she is hearing is "You are not doing this right" "You  are not a good mom"  and at that point she tunes out anything else you might have to say, not even listening.   This could be an issue because of your approach....or it could be an issue with her being too defensive....I don't know.

    I don't know enough about babies to agree or disagree with the examples you gave (that you have suggested to fiance)

  • 2 things,

    First - you have grandma challenging her on everything she does. Cause that is what grandma's do.

    Second - anytime you suggest something, she automatically views everything you say the same way her mother says it...which will always lead to a fight

     

    My advice, move. get your own place. Just as all men are just like very loyal dogs. Women are like birds and need their "Nest". she doesnt have one and her mother is ruining the one joy of being a parent. The part where you figure everything out and come out with your (both of you) game plan.

    Think of this way, you just got a brand new Car, but you have someone that has had a similar car sitting in the backseat telling you how to drive it. How long do you put up with that before you crack and kick that person out of the car. (point is you cant kick her mom out of the house) that is what she is going through. Until you move, she will always be high strung an anxious and ready to fight... which will only make her more tired later in life during the parts where she would love to be awake and full of energy. (that will lead to the blame game). 

     Get out!!!

  • also good luck with a sleep schedule... We are six months into our first and I am still waiting on that to happen.
  • Sleep schedule?  I'm 15 months in and don't really have much of one either.  LOL!

    First of all, 4 months is too early to introduce solids.  Unless there's a reflux issue, most pedis won't recommend solids until 6 months, and even then it's usually rice cereal or oatmeal.  Pretty much all solids before 1 are "just for fun" meaning baby's nutrition is coming from either breastmilk or formula.  We started offering oatmeal and some fruit purees to my DD at 6 months but it wasn't until 9-10 months that she was actually eating solids on a daily basis.  Now at 15 months she gets 3 meals, plus 1 snack, but somedays she still gets most of her nutrition from milk.  My point is not to push it.  Also, even if you do give baby solids now, it's not going to make him sleep longer... it's probably going to upset his tiny little tummy.

    It sounds like your FI is stressed out and frustrated.  She spends all day with the baby, figuring out his routine, his cues, his cries.  You offering something to her sounds like you're insinuating that she's not doing a good job.  You may be coming from a truly good place but she only hears criticism.  Be a little sensitive to her.

    Is it possible to get out, just the 2 of you, for a couple hours?  Get her relaxed and mind off the daily grind of being a mommy.  Maybe this would be a good time to ask her how she envisiions the next couple weeks/months with your baby.  What's ahead?  What is she thinking about doing with him?  And then ask how you can help.   Then be supportive.  And do your best to move out on your own as s oon as you can.

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  • Hyjinks are hard to see sometimes in the written word.  I apologize for that. 

    I just think, as father's here, we have an obligation to applaud any young man who is trying to do the right thing for his family.  Seems to me, at least through what he wrote here, this young man is doing everything right.  Living with his partner's mother, while a pain at times I'm sure, could also be giving him the opportunity to finish his education and start his career so he can afford to provide a house and all the other things that a family needs.

    I guess I get a little sensitive about it, because I know firsthand what it is like to not have a father those first years of life.  While they may not be in a perfect situation, it is a situation that is allowing this child to have both his parents together.  That, to me, is worth it on some level.

    image

  • Dude, you should get one.

    Fantasy sports on the fly with the phone has saved a week or two for me in football.

    And the card games....addictive!! 

    image

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