DH is stubborn

kkay1982

Where my DH is from west Africa guys aren't involved in the pregnancy/birth process at all and I knew that this would be one of our big points if disagreement. I know it has nothing to do with him not loving me or the baby but he is uncomfortable and doesn't want to be involved in drs appts, birthing class, the birth. I have already given in and said that while he needs to be at the hospital with me he does not need to be in the room when I push. But since he has no good reason to not go to the birthing class doesn't cost more, he doesn't need time off work, etc and it would make all the difference to me in the world, I think he needs to suck it up and go. But I can't force him. And I can't spend the next 6 months mad at him. Help!

MommyAmes2

My only advice would be to talk to him. That is all you can do. If he is from a culture where its normal to not be involved. You really can't change his beliefs.

All you can do is express your concerns and opinion.

CaliforniaDream87

I agree with PP. Also, this is something you knew before marrying him correct? Not saying you don't have a right to be upset, because I wouldn't stand for this at all, but you did know his belief systems before.

All you can do is talk to him and tell him how you feel. I'm sorry...it really does suck having to go through this alone.

plunderb

Have you explained to him that the birth class will probably include a lot of info about hospital policies and newborn care? Even if he's not interested in being your labor coach, maybe you can explain it as you will at least need help navigating the hospital stuff when you're in severe pain. And you'll need help with the newborn, especially if you have a csection or other complications. It's good for him to have the info he needs to advocate for you when you are in need.

rayandbrit

I agree with the PPs if you could get him to go to the classes, it may help him to be more comfortable with everything & supportive? I'm sure it must be frustrating to deal with, but preparing yourself now with realistic expectations of his involvement may be the best route. I would continue to encourage his involvement, but I would not let turn into a resentful situation, for your own sake.

have you considered hiring a doula? They are there solely to support & encourage you in your labor & delivery. May be worth checking out? 

BlueJewelM

I remember when I took my birthin class there were segments where the instructor informed the class of a nude scene in the delivery movie coming up,a couple men left the room citing religious or cultural beliefs. They told the instructor prior to the class of these wishes and she was very accommodating.

Not that that has anything to do with your original post, really. But I remember the women saying that their husbands would not be in the delivery room at the time of birth. So it's more common than one would think.

Anyway, I totally second the doula advice! I think it would be nice to have someone there that isn't employed by the hospital and on your side during delivery.

On another unrelated note, any STMs remember those delivery videos?!? Do people deliver babies completely naked? Is this a thing? Lol! Because in all the videos there was always a girl totally butt ass naked. I always thought it was strange.

MommyAmes2

BlueJewelM:

I remember when I took my birthin class there were segments where the instructor informed the class of a nude scene in the delivery movie coming up,a couple men left the room citing religious or cultural beliefs. They told the instructor prior to the class of these wishes and she was very accommodating. Not that that has anything to do with your original post, really. But I remember the women saying that their husbands would not be in the delivery room at the time of birth. So it's more common than one would think. Anyway, I totally second the doula advice! I think it would be nice to have someone there that isn't employed by the hospital and on your side during delivery. On another unrelated note, any STMs remember those delivery videos?!? Do people deliver babies completely naked? Is this a thing? Lol! Because in all the videos there was always a girl totally butt ass naked. I always thought it was strange.

Hahaha! I always wondered this too. I was not naked when I gave birth!

punkin05

BlueJewelM:

On another unrelated note, any STMs remember those delivery videos?!? Do people deliver babies completely naked? Is this a thing? Lol! Because in all the videos there was always a girl totally butt ass naked. I always thought it was strange.

I had my hospital gown on up until it was time to push, but after over 2 hours of pushing I was sweltering! The room was quite warm as well, so that didn't help. It got to the point where I almost passed out even with a cold cloth on my head, so the gown got thrown off and I was buck arse naked.

BlueJewelM

punkin05:

BlueJewelM:

On another unrelated note, any STMs remember those delivery videos?!? Do people deliver babies completely naked? Is this a thing? Lol! Because in all the videos there was always a girl totally butt ass naked. I always thought it was strange.

I had my hospital gown on up until it was time to push, but after over 2 hours of pushing I was sweltering! The room was quite warm as well, so that didn't help. It got to the point where I almost passed out even with a cold cloth on my head, so the gown got thrown off and I was buck arse naked.

Well after 2 hours I don't blame you!!!

kkay1982

plunderb:

Have you explained to him that the birth class will probably include a lot of info about hospital policies and newborn care? Even if he's not interested in being your labor coach, maybe you can explain it as you will at least need help navigating the hospital stuff when you're in severe pain. And you'll need help with the newborn, especially if you have a csection or other complications. It's good for him to have the info he needs to advocate for you when you are in need.

This was what we talked about tonight.  I am fine with him not coming to the dr's appts and understand him not wanting to be there when I push (my mom will be there for this unless I give birth in under an hour), but I think the birthing class has a lot that relates to him as well.  Part of it is the tour of the hospital and if nothing else it will be his job to get me to the right spot the day of and I want it to be one less thing I have to think about.  Since I am putting aside my wanting him to be there for all of it I don't think I am asking too much by asking him to come and sit beside me for a few hours on a few evenings. 

Jomojack2

My husband is from another culture as well and while I respect his culture I expect him to respect mine as well. Maybe you can get him to go to at least one class. But personally I would push more for him being there for the birth. He needs to hold your hand or whatever you need throughout the entire labor process and understand that's what men most of them do in this country.

rayandbrit

BlueJewelM:

I remember when I took my birthin class there were segments where the instructor informed the class of a nude scene in the delivery movie coming up,a couple men left the room citing religious or cultural beliefs. They told the instructor prior to the class of these wishes and she was very accommodating. Not that that has anything to do with your original post, really. But I remember the women saying that their husbands would not be in the delivery room at the time of birth. So it's more common than one would think. Anyway, I totally second the doula advice! I think it would be nice to have someone there that isn't employed by the hospital and on your side during delivery. On another unrelated note, any STMs remember those delivery videos?!? Do people deliver babies completely naked? Is this a thing? Lol! Because in all the videos there was always a girl totally butt ass naked. I always thought it was strange.

 Haha I kept my gown on for both of mine, but this time I am going med-free at a birthing center, and plan on using the tub while I'm laboring, so I'm guessing I will end up nakie?

BlueJewelM

rayandbrit:

BlueJewelM:

I remember when I took my birthin class there were segments where the instructor informed the class of a nude scene in the delivery movie coming up,a couple men left the room citing religious or cultural beliefs. They told the instructor prior to the class of these wishes and she was very accommodating.

Not that that has anything to do with your original post, really. But I remember the women saying that their husbands would not be in the delivery room at the time of birth. So it's more common than one would think.

Anyway, I totally second the doula advice! I think it would be nice to have someone there that isn't employed by the hospital and on your side during delivery.

On another unrelated note, any STMs remember those delivery videos?!? Do people deliver babies completely naked? Is this a thing? Lol! Because in all the videos there was always a girl totally butt ass naked. I always thought it was strange.

 Haha I kept my gown on for both of mine, but this time I am going med-free at a birthing center, and plan on using the tub while I'm laboring, so I'm guessing I will end up nakie?

Lol. That is expected! The one lady in the video they showed was just completely naked and there was no tub in sight. I just felt like I was owed some kind of plot line or backstory as to how she lost the clothing. As a FTM I remember thinking, OMG am I going to be naked?!?!? Oh no!!! And got a little spooked.

OP, I apologize for totally hijacking your post. I hope your husband and you can find a good middle ground. I don't feel you are asking too much by having him with you at the classes and tour. I think you are being very reasonable!

Rachey1082

I agree with most everyone else. Also, you might want to consider finding a doula. You'll have someone else on your team if he isn't there for labor support.

Ladydianna

plunderb:

Have you explained to him that the birth class will probably include a lot of info about hospital policies and newborn care? Even if he's not interested in being your labor coach, maybe you can explain it as you will at least need help navigating the hospital stuff when you're in severe pain. And you'll need help with the newborn, especially if you have a csection or other complications. It's good for him to have the info he needs to advocate for you when you are in need.

 

This is a great point. 

Monilee1017

Who is going to be in the room? Why not have that person go to classes with you and let him know if they can't come to a class you would like him to be a stand in to support you so you are not alone. 

Happywife86

That's difficult.  From a cultural standpoint, maybe he's used to dads just not being part of the birthing picture.  But, if you need him there, tell him so!  You are the one having to carry the baby for nine months...you'd think he could suck it up for a few evenings and go with you to the class.  I hope he comes around for you. :-)

 On the whole "giving birth buck naked" thing.  While I never have done it...having delivered med-free, you just really don't care at the end WHAT you're wearing or WHO is around to see.  And after that baby's in your arms nothing else really matters any more. :-)

katiebenes

don't most classes also have parts for AFTER the birth? like how to swaddle, change a diaper and things like that? That's what I've been told, you should find out and tell him that

kkay1982

Thank you all for your thoughts.

My mom is going to be there for the labor but lives too far away to come up for five birthing classes.

I know there is helpful non labor stuff in the birthing class that would be helpful to DH.

We have a little over a month till we start the class so I am hoping he comes around to the idea by then. :

yreyesylee@yahoo.com

I'm sorry, I've heard a lot about beliefs and customs but what it really sounds like is an excuse, and I don't think you should let him get away with it.I've been/lived a lot of places in the world and have seen plenty, but sometimes you just have to say "No, we're not doing it that way."

"Uncomfortable" isn't a good reason. You're uncomfortable, having a baby is uncomfortable. You need to have a serious conversation about what YOUR expectations are, both now and after the baby is born. 

If you were in West Africa right now I would see your need to adjust to the lifestyle and bend a bit, but you're here and so is he. Time to strap on your big boy pants and be a man.