C-sections
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Jealousy/introduction
in C-sections
Just a short intro: I've had three Csections. 1st baby was a preemie and breech. Whisked off to the NICU, vented, and didn't hold DD until she was 7 days old. Serious PPD. 2nd was an "attempted" VBAC. I went into labor and DD2 didn't have her head low enough for my doc to allow me to try pushing. Serious PPD. 3rd was a planned section after doc said there wasn't enough of a gap between surgeries. This time I had a birth plan and felt a little more at ease that this was the God plan/meant to be plan for me bc I had a large hole in my uterus when my doc opened me up. So it was reassuring to me that I didn't "give up" by not trying a VBAC bc it wouldn't have turned out well. Still a little PPD, but not horrible.
Last section was a year ago. But I find myself still struggling with jealousy when friends have uncomplicated vaginal deliveries. I find myself asking "why was a section my plan?! why couldn't I have the experience I wanted?!" Anyone else still dealing with that? I feel like I should be past it, and then find myself beating myself up over my feelings.
Last section was a year ago. But I find myself still struggling with jealousy when friends have uncomplicated vaginal deliveries. I find myself asking "why was a section my plan?! why couldn't I have the experience I wanted?!" Anyone else still dealing with that? I feel like I should be past it, and then find myself beating myself up over my feelings.
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Re: Jealousy/introduction
Maybe it's time for you to find a support group in your area? I'm sure there are many women who have similar experiences, and can help you navigate what you're feeling.
It's a girl!
Yes. I also really struggle with the question of whether I did something to "cause" my C-section or whether a C-section was really necessary in my case. I had been planning a natural (unmedicated) vaginal birth. I had taken all the childbirth classes and watched numerous videos lamenting the large C-section rate in the U.S.
After 48 hours of unmedicated back labor, during which time I had only progressed to 5 1/2 centimeters and I couldn't sleep, lie down, or even sit, I felt ready to collapse. I literally thought my legs couldn't hold me up for much longer. I figured if I were to fall on the floor on the way to the bathroom it couldn't be very healthy for the baby, so I thought it was time to go with "plan B" -- labor augmented with pitocin. And since I knew pitocin made contractions even more painful, I decided to get a walking epidural to let me rest a bit.
Well, as soon as I got the epidural, baby's heart rate began to drop. (This was even before they started pitocin.) It went back up, but it continued to drop to worrying levels (and then rise again) intermittently for the next 9 hours. We started the pitocin, but it couldn't be turned up very high due to the heart rate problems. After 9 hours of this, I was only dilated another half centimeter -- to 6. Baby was face up and not descending (still at a -2).
At that point, I told the midwife that I didn't think it was safe to continue labor any longer. I was very reluctant to choose to have a C-section, since I knew it was major surgery and that it would make future pregnancies more complicated. But I felt my body was telling me that my son just could not be born vaginally.
After the surgeon performed the C-section, he told me I had made the right call. He said that even if we had waited for me to dilate to 10 centimeters, the baby's head would not have fit through my pelvis.
The surgeon wrote "CPD" as the reason for the C-section on my medical chart. I don't feel that the case was true CPD, but that because of the way my son's head was turned -- and because of the fact that after such a long labor my son's head had been expanding at the point where it was supposed to be contracting -- he probably would not have been able to be delivered vaginally.
I know that at every point in my labor I made what I felt was the best, healthiest decision for my baby at that time. But I still have concerns that I somehow "caused" the C-section. I had my membranes stripped two days after my due date (hoping to avoid an induction, which was scheduled for another several days out). If I hadn't had my membranes stripped the day before going into labor, would my son have waited another couple days and would our bodies have been more "ready" for a vaginal delivery? If I had accepted a morphine shot to relieve my pain in early labor, would I have been able to rest better, avoid an epidural, and have a vaginal delivery? Could I have continued unmedicated labor a little longer without collapsing, and would my contractions eventually have picked up naturally and become more effective at dilating me? If I had continued longer with the epidural and pitocin (instead of requesting a C-section), would I somehow have managed to dilate past 6 centimeters? Honestly, I don't know. I'm trying to reconcile my belief that our C-section rate in the U.S. really is too high with my conviction that it probably was necessary in my case, even though I'm still not 100% sure it was.
I'm also somewhat comforted when I realize that, even though I didn't get my perfect labor and delivery experience, I still got to experience pregnancy, and I still get to experience parenthood. There are many people who desperately want to experience pregnancy and/or parenthood but cannot. Three years after the fact, I don't think having had a C-section makes me any less bonded with my son (although it may have affected things the first few weeks).