DH wants to delay TTC because MIL is sick
KateLouise
member
MIL has been diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer. She's awaiting appointments to start radiotherapy and surgery on the bowel, after which they'll reassess the lung that the cancer has spread to.
At this stage she's very well, and although we're realistic the Doctors haven't given us any timeframes, and we really don't know how things will play out.
DH has suggested we wait to TTC #3 because he thinks it will be too stressful.
I personally think that there's no point delaying our lives. That while things could move very quickly and MIL could go downhill very quickly, at the same time she could be in and out of treatments for months and years.
I really don't want to delay things for 6-12mths to see how IL goes, only to find at the end of that that she's still with us but really sick and then DH says well, "let's delay things again because now it's REALLY stressful"
As extra information we'll be taking on MILs mortgage until we can help her organise to downsize. SIL will be helping with the mortgage too. Also DH is working fulltime and doing his masters. He'll be finished in around 6mths, so it is going to be a very busy 6mths. This makes me think maybe we should delay for 6mths, but then I think well there's no need to think we'll even get pregnant straight away.
Any thoughts? I know it's his Mum so it's obviously harder on him than it is on me, but am I being selfish? Is there really a point in putting our lives on hold with so many unknowns?
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
Re: DH wants to delay TTC because MIL is sick
Ok so my SO dad was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver about ummm....3 years ago. The doctor only gave him a year to live! Even though we have been TTC for only about 2 years, just think of the time we would have wasted waiting for him to progressively get worse. We would be still waiting today! Other side of the coin is, this is his Mom that is sick and he is worried about her so I can undstand that. He is taking on a lot of his Mom's responsibilities while trying to further his education and take care of his own family...he has quite a bit on his plate. He may be feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'd say, give it a little time; see how his mom is doing with her treatments. Maybe he will change his mind.
GL!
^This. Wishing your MIL health!
My BLOG: www.ivfbabyquest.wordpress.com -Update - old blog.
PAIF/SAIF Welcome!
Me: 42, Hubby: 35, TTC since Jan 2010. Dx: DOR due to advanced maternal age. Also: Hypothyroidism (100mcg Levothyroxin). Positive for MTHFR (hetero-C677T), Factor V Leiden, and Fragile X (on DH side). Taking pre-natal vitamins.
First natural PG 9/27/11; mc: 1/20/12
First RE visit: 8/8/12, Saline Sonogram: 8/28/12, IVF injection class: 10/11/12, add FaBB Tab for FVL, +Vitamin D.
IVF #1: 10/17/12 Baseline: FSH- 9.4, E2- 24, LH- 3.7, Prog- 0.3 The u/s showed 6 follicles in my right & 9 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle & 150 Menopur SQ nightly. 10/21/12: Add Ganirelix SQ every morning.
ER 10/28/12: 13 Retreived. 7 Mature. 6 Fertilized. 5 Made it to PGS. ET 11/2/12: CANCELED. All 5 came back from PGS as having "severe abnormalities."
IVF #2: 1/7/13 Baseline: FSH- 8.8, 4 follicles in my right & 6 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle & 150 Menopur SQ nightly. 1/11/13: Add Ganirelix SQ every morning. hCG Trigger 1/16/13
ER 1/18/13: 9 Retrieved. 5 Mature. 5 Fertilized. 2 Made it to PGS. ET 1/23/13: CANCELED. All embryos (he even sent the ones not growing) came back from PGS as having "multiple severe abnormalities."
IVF #3: NEW RE! 3/1/13 Baseline: FSH- 9.6, E2- 61, Prog- 0.94, 3 follicles in my right & 4 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle& 150 Menopur SQ in PM. 3/7/13: Add Ganirelix SQ in AM. hCG Trigger 3/9/13 SQ.
ER 3/11/13: 6R, 2M, 2F. Day 3: one 8 cell, grade 0. Five day ET 3/16/13: one early blast, grade Fair. 3/24/13 AF came a day before beta. BFN
IVF #4: (Added acupuncture to this cycle.) 3/25/13 WTF & Baseline: FSH-11.8, E2- 56, Prog- 0.84 3/26/13 Start stims. 3/30/13 u/s: 5 follicles in my right & 4 in my left. Rx: 225 Bravelle& 225 Menopur SQ in PM. 3/31/13 Add Ganirelix SQ in AM.hCG Trigger 4/3/13 SQ.
ER 4/5/13: 5R, 3M, 3F naturally. Day 3: two 8 cell, grade 0, one 8 cell, grade 2 (Scale 0-best to 3-worst). Five day ET 4/10/13: two blastocysts (the 3rd stopped growing.) Beta 4/18/13: 2.5 BFFN. RE recommends we stop trying and focus on living childless, due to the extremely poor quality of my eggs.
***Decided to stop trying and live CFNBC. I couldn't adjust. So, six months later...
IVF #5: Changed RE. Going to one of the big name clinics now. OWDU: 10/29/13. Update: HORRIBLE experience. Disgusted and distraught at their complete unprofessionalism and how much money and precious time they cost us. Sickening. Have now changed RE again. New Patient appt. 1/30/14.
BFP! Out of nowhere, I got KU the old fashioned way! POAS 1/26/14 - Positive! FDLM 12/30/13. Beta #1 16dpo= 373. Beta #2 18dpo= 801. EDD 10/6/14
2/4/14 1st U/S revealed a 5wk2day sac but no fetal pole. Started 200mgs of progesterone suppositories daily
2/11/14 2nd U/S revealed a perfect 6wk1day "diamond ring" embryo with a beating heart! 138bpm! Add 1mg folic acid and 40mg Lovenox
2/25/14 3rd U/S: perfect 8w1d embryo, 178bpm. 3/6 start spotting. 3/11 10w1d U/S shows no heartbeat. Scheduling D&C. The Stork has forsaken me again.
IVF #5.2: New in-state RE. Supplement priming for 1.5 cycles prior to start of cycle, including DHEA 50mg (stopped 5/15), CoQ10 200mg 2x/day, L-Arginine- 1000mg 2x/day (stopped 6/5 due to cold sore!), myo-inositol- 2g 2x/day, melatonin- 3mg, and Neevo (prenatal for MTHFR).
5/16/14 Day 2 bw cycle prior: FSH- 12.22, E2- 38.37, Prog- 1.35, LH- 9.46. 6/2/14 Day 19 bw: Prog- 23
6/12/14 Baseline: E2- 122.7, Prog- 0.4. 5 follicles in left, 4 follicles in right. Start stims: 375IU Follistim & 150IU Menopur. 6/19 Increase Follistim to 425IU, Menopur still 150IU. 6/18 add Ganirelix. 6/23 Ovidrel trigger SQ. 6/25 ER: 8R, 8M, 5F naturally. Start Medrol & Doxy. 6/26 Start Endometrin. 7/2 Start Lovenox.
7/8/14 Beta= 137.4 BFP!!! (My first from IVF!) E2- 1109, Prog- >60. Stop CoQ10, myo-inositol, and melatonin. 7/9 2nd Beta= 281.4. TSH- 2.70. Increasing Synthroid to 100mcg daily. 7/24 6w3d u/s measured 6w3d, hb: 121bmp! 8/5 8w1d u/s measured 8w3d, hb: 164bpm! Graduated from RE to OB. Now I just need to find an OB!
EDD 3/18/15!
I am so sorry for your husband. I think a good rule of thumb is that if both people are not committed to TTC, then you shouldn't proceed.
This may be an unpopular opinion, and I don't know what testing you have had done, but if it were me -- unless my AMH & FSH are completely in the toilet -- I would respect my husband's wishes. If your numbers are in the toilet, I guess it might be a different story.
While I am not familiar with bowel cancer, any stage 4 cancer is no joke. And a seriously ill parent takes a very significant toll on [adult] children.
Good luck!
Thanks for the feedback ladies. We didn't have plans to TTC until April, so I wasn't going to bring it up immediately, as I do think DH has a lot of processing to do. I also think that once MIL has gone through the initial treatments we'll have a better picture of how the cancer is responding and what the future might look like.
I do also think that he's been really sick with a flu/cold thing for a week or two and he is feeling really exhausted, which is another reason I had no intention of having a serious TTC conversation with him immediately.
And I absolutely agree that if you're not both on board with TTC then you shouldn't be pursuing it BUT I think you should both be allowed to openly discuss how you're feeling about things.
I guess I really just wanted to see if I was completely off base not wanting to delay TTC plans when MILs illness is completely unpredictable.
We conceived DD1 and DD2 the first month trying. DD2 is 12months. It's easy to assume we'll have no problems with TTC #3 but of course there are no guarantees.
I don't know if we'd choose to pursue any fertility options if we don't conceive naturally. I have no information in regards to all the different testing you can have for yourself, so I don't know how good my chances are. I just know I'm 35 and your chances start going downhill.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
Yeah DH's dad died from an ongoing illness 5 years ago, so we've trodden this path before. It definitely isn't fun, but I'm drawing strength from the knowledge that we've been here before and gotten through.
Thanks again for your input and thoughts.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
There are a couple things that I would ask DH in this situation. What would his mom want you to do in this situation? Would she prefer that he continue to live his life? I began dating my husband when my Dad had stage 4 bone cancer. (I was 38, almost 39). We kept our relationship low key and out of the spotlight. I remember telling my Dad that we were dating and that it was serious. Now, I am so glad that I did-my husband and I were married about 18 months after my Dad passed away. (my Dad never met my husband though) Would having the happy news that you are expecting again brighten her spirits, give her something to look forward to? Treatment for cancer is hard-but rarely do cancer victims expect their families to stop their lives while they battle this disease-as it may take a long time, and the outcome is scary and unknown.
Next-how would you both feel if you never have any more kids? Are you both ok with 2? How would you feel if age became a factor and it wasn't easy to get pregnant? If you wait and don't get PG within 6 months, will YH allow you to see a RE and get further testing? Can you still TTC, with YH consent, although do it on a less stressful playing field? What can you do to lighten YH's load right now? Can you afford to hire help to take care of some of the chores that YH would usually do? Can you discuss a limited break from TTC, rather than one with no concrete end date? I understand what the other ladies are saying about respecting YH wishes and delaying TTC, but not sure that I agree entirely without further conversation. I work in Hospice and see what cancer can do on a daily basis. Babies and grandchildren often become the reason the my patients are still alive-reminds people that "Life will go on." Some of my most cherished pictures are of my son meeting his grandmother for the first and only time when he was young. GL with your decisions, these things are never easy.
Beautifully spoken...HappyWife.
I wish you much peace and strengh, as you go through this tuff situation. You will be in my T's&P's......