DH wants to delay TTC because MIL is sick

KateLouise

MIL has been diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer. She's awaiting appointments to start radiotherapy and surgery on the bowel, after which they'll reassess the lung that the cancer has spread to.

At this stage she's very well, and although we're realistic the Doctors haven't given us any timeframes, and we really don't know how things will play out.

DH has suggested we wait to TTC #3 because he thinks it will be too stressful.

I personally think that there's no point delaying our lives. That while things could move very quickly and MIL could go downhill very quickly, at the same time she could be in and out of treatments for months and years.

I really don't want to delay things for 6-12mths to see how IL goes, only to find at the end of that that she's still with us but really sick and then DH says well, "let's delay things again because now it's REALLY stressful" 

As extra information we'll be taking on MILs mortgage until we can help her organise to downsize. SIL will be helping with the mortgage too. Also DH is working fulltime and doing his masters. He'll be finished in around 6mths, so it is going to be a very busy 6mths. This makes me think maybe we should delay for 6mths, but then I think well there's no need to think we'll even get pregnant straight away. 

Any thoughts? I know it's his Mum so it's obviously harder on him than it is on me, but am I being selfish? Is there really a point in putting our lives on hold with so many unknowns?

 

iLoveChocolateMilk5150

Ok so my SO dad was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver about ummm....3 years ago.  The doctor only gave him a year to live!  Even though we have been TTC for only about 2 years, just think of the time we would have wasted waiting for him to progressively get worse.  We would be still waiting today!  Other side of the coin is, this is his Mom that is sick and he is worried about her so I can undstand that.  He is taking on a lot of his Mom's responsibilities while trying to further his education and take care of his own family...he has quite a bit on his plate. He may be feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I'd say, give it a little time; see how his mom is doing with her treatments.  Maybe he will change his mind. 

 GL!

*sparky*

I understand how you feel and agree there is no way to know how things will go from here or how long you would be waiting. However, it seems like this is very recent news and I am sure it is very upsetting for your DH right now. So I would not push it at the moment give him a little time to be upset and deal with everything that is going on. Then discuss it again in a couple of weeks, depending on how things are going at that time.

kelley72

pp stated beautifully- very recent news must be a little overwhelming for him / all of you. hugs

chucktgirl

*sparky*:

I understand how you feel and agree there is no way to know how things will go from here or how long you would be waiting. However, it seems like this is very recent news and I am sure it is very upsetting for your DH right now. So I would not push it at the moment give him a little time to be upset and deal with everything that is going on. Then discuss it again in a couple of weeks, depending on how things are going at that time.

^This. Wishing your MIL health!

owlprof

I am so sorry for your husband.  I think a good rule of thumb is that if both people are not committed to TTC, then you shouldn't proceed. 

This may be an unpopular opinion, and I don't know what testing you have had done, but if it were me -- unless my AMH & FSH are completely in the toilet -- I would respect my husband's wishes. If your numbers are in the toilet, I guess it might be a different story.

While I am not familiar with bowel cancer, any stage 4 cancer  is no joke.  And a seriously ill parent takes a very significant toll on [adult] children. 

Good luck!    

Mrsbabyhopes

Factor in how long it took you to conceive your first two children and how long ago you conceived.  I don't know how old you are but ttc after 35 is a whole new ball game than ttc under 35.  I wanted to wait until I was more financially ready, but my ob/gyn advised me that with my irregular menstrual cycle and my age of 34 at the time that I shouldn't wait too long, because it may very likely take me two years to conceive.  I wish I had listened because now I'm 36 and I've been ttc for 1 year and 3 months.  Does your DH know how much your chances of conceiving drops as you age?

KateLouise

Thanks for the feedback ladies. We didn't have plans to TTC until April, so I wasn't going to bring it up immediately, as I do think DH has a lot of processing to do. I also think that once MIL has gone through the initial treatments we'll have a better picture of how the cancer is responding and what the future might look like.

I do also think that he's been really sick with a flu/cold thing for a week or two and he is feeling really exhausted, which is another reason I had no intention of having  a serious TTC conversation with him immediately.

And I absolutely agree that if you're not both on board with TTC then you shouldn't be pursuing it BUT I think you should both be allowed to openly discuss how you're feeling about things. 

I guess I really just wanted to see if I was completely off base not wanting to delay TTC plans when MILs illness is completely unpredictable. 

We conceived DD1 and DD2 the first month trying. DD2 is 12months. It's easy to assume we'll have no problems with TTC #3 but of course there are no guarantees.

I don't know if we'd choose to pursue any fertility options if we don't conceive naturally. I have no information in regards to all the different testing you can have for yourself, so I don't know how good my chances are. I just know I'm 35 and your chances start going downhill. 

*sparky*

I don't think you are off base in your thinking. It sounds like this is very fresh for your DH and you guys were not going to start until April anyway, so I would just see how things go for your MIL for the next couple of weeks and go from there before pushing anything. But ultimately dealing with the severe illness of a parent is extremely stressful and if he needs some time to deal with that then I would respect his wishes. I hope everything works out for the best, for the two of you and your MIL. That is a tough situation.

KateLouise

*sparky*:

I don't think you are off base in your thinking. It sounds like this is very fresh for your DH and you guys were not going to start until April anyway, so I would just see how things go for your MIL for the next couple of weeks and go from there before pushing anything. But ultimately dealing with the severe illness of a parent is extremely stressful and if he needs some time to deal with that then I would respect his wishes. I hope everything works out for the best, for the two of you and your MIL. That is a tough situation.

Yeah DH's dad died from an ongoing illness 5 years ago, so we've trodden this path before. It definitely isn't fun, but I'm drawing strength from the knowledge that we've been here before and gotten through. 

Thanks again for your input and thoughts. 

Mrsbabyhopes

It doesn't sound to me like you will have any trouble with #3, since you are definitely fertile.  Although I'm no expert, I think you can afford to wait. 

happywifemomofone

There are a couple things that I would ask DH in this situation.  What would his mom want you to do in this situation?  Would she prefer that he continue to live his life?  I began dating my husband when my Dad had stage 4 bone cancer.  (I was 38, almost 39).  We kept our relationship low key and out of the spotlight.  I remember telling my Dad that we were dating and that it was serious.  Now, I am so glad that I did-my husband and I were married about 18 months after my Dad passed away. (my Dad never met my husband though)  Would having the happy news that you are expecting again brighten her spirits, give her something to look forward to?  Treatment for cancer is hard-but rarely do cancer victims expect their families to stop their lives while they battle this disease-as it may take a long time, and the outcome is scary and unknown.

Next-how would you both feel if you never have any more kids?  Are you both ok with 2?  How would you feel if age became a factor and it wasn't easy to get pregnant?  If you wait and don't get PG within 6 months, will YH allow you to see a RE and get further testing? Can you still TTC, with YH consent, although do it on a less stressful playing field?  What can you do to lighten YH's load right now? Can you afford to hire help to take care of some of the chores that YH would usually do? Can you discuss a limited break from TTC, rather than one with no concrete end date? I understand what the other ladies are saying about respecting YH wishes and delaying TTC, but not sure that I agree entirely without further conversation. I work in Hospice and see what cancer can do on a daily basis. Babies and grandchildren often become the reason the my patients are still alive-reminds people that "Life will go on." Some of my most cherished pictures are of my son meeting his grandmother for the first and only time when he was young. GL with your decisions, these things are never easy.

Jacque Sills

happywifemomofone:

There are a couple things that I would ask DH in this situation.  What would his mom want you to do in this situation?  Would she prefer that he continue to live his life?  I began dating my husband when my Dad had stage 4 bone cancer.  (I was 38, almost 39).  We kept our relationship low key and out of the spotlight.  I remember telling my Dad that we were dating and that it was serious.  Now, I am so glad that I did-my husband and I were married about 18 months after my Dad passed away. (my Dad never met my husband though)  Would having the happy news that you are expecting again brighten her spirits, give her something to look forward to?  Treatment for cancer is hard-but rarely do cancer victims expect their families to stop their lives while they battle this disease-as it may take a long time, and the outcome is scary and unknown.

Next-how would you both feel if you never have any more kids?  Are you both ok with 2?  How would you feel if age became a factor and it wasn't easy to get pregnant?  If you wait and don't get PG within 6 months, will YH allow you to see a RE and get further testing? Can you still TTC, with YH consent, although do it on a less stressful playing field?  What can you do to lighten YH's load right now? Can you afford to hire help to take care of some of the chores that YH would usually do? Can you discuss a limited break from TTC, rather than one with no concrete end date? I understand what the other ladies are saying about respecting YH wishes and delaying TTC, but not sure that I agree entirely without further conversation. I work in Hospice and see what cancer can do on a daily basis. Babies and grandchildren often become the reason the my patients are still alive-reminds people that "Life will go on." Some of my most cherished pictures are of my son meeting his grandmother for the first and only time when he was young. GL with your decisions, these things are never easy.

Beautifully spoken...HappyWife. 

 I wish you much peace and strengh, as you go through this tuff situation.  You will be in my T's&P's......