Comparing losses

Bayberry12

Some of you may remember me posting about my issues with my SIL.

Well she texted me today, and we chatted. I told her how I was doing, honestly, didn't sugar coat it.

She once again compared her miscarriage to the loss of my daughter. Her exact words
"Death is part of life and each of us grieve differently I have lost a child and I know that you probably don't think it's the same but I still feel that loss ever day of my life I just accept the pain and live"
I was shaken after reading this and did not respond. I haven't seen her in a year, and really don't care to ever see her. I can't comprehend how she can comepare these to very different loses. I want to writer her a thoughtful letter explaining my feelings, but think it might file the fire. DH wants me to just ignor her, I feel there is so much tension now, seeing her could cause a stand off or a break down. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry for any weird formatting, I'm mobile.

jebretz

I don't have any advice, I am just sorry that you are still having to deal with this. Loss hurts no matter what, but its not fair to compare her pain to yours. Its just so different. Hugs to you, I hope you can find some resolution soon. 

silverlining8d

Miscarriage does hurt but she should understand that your pain is so much different and to be fair...a lot worse. It takes longer to get through...you never get over it. I had a miscarriage before I lost Sebastian and I rarely think about it anymore. My son will be on my mind and in my heart forever. Also: we all know death is a part of life. When someone says something like that to me I find it condescending like I never knew that before my loss. The best advice I can give you is to do what you're already doing...stop the discussion when it gets to be too much. She probably doesn't mean anything by it and there's no point in starting drama about something that was probably just her really not understanding.

jess123456

So sorry that you are still having issues with her.

My advice would also be that you only have control over how you respond to her and you can't have control over what she says. Perhaps this is somehow her way of trying to relate to you but of course she can't completely understand because she hasn't walked in your shoes.

tuscanbride2007

((HUGE HUGS)) Bayberry!

I can't believe that she would say those things to you. My SIL had a miscarriage when I was carrying Annabelle. She then got pregnant again right before Annabelle's birth and did not know what to do with me (she still has not said a word to me about it). However, she did comment after her daughter was born that she now can understand a little bit better what DH and I have been through.

Miscarriage is hard (you know that), but when you actually give birth to a sleeping baby that was about to come home, it is so much different. I hope that she will one day gain a little understanding of your pain.  Maybe you should forward that article,"What I Need" to her and leave it at that!

OSUWifey09

I like tuscanbride's suggestion of forwarding that article to her and leaving it at that. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I never had a miscarriage but have had many friends go through that, and I've seen their pain - but as others said, our pain is so much different. It's unfair to compare. *hugs*

meli1025

I am so sorry that she's being like this. I wouldn't be able to hold back.. I would remind her that you delivered your sweet baby and did not have a miscarriage. Ask her if she would say the same thing to someone who lost a child in an accident or from an illness like cancer. I'm the type of person that always has to say what I feel to people though, and honestly the way they handle it is their problem, not mine. What she's saying is unfair and there is no comparison between the two types of losses. ((HUGE HUGS)).

Cranang

My MIL does the same thing to me.  She had a miscarriage at 4-5 weeks between her 3rd and 4th child.  She constantly says "well, I had a miscarriage too...you never forget that.  I mean, my baby just bled into the toilet..."  OH REALLY>???  Well, guess what, mine kicked around in me for months.  I knew her routine, I talked to her and she responded to my voice.  I had to go through actual labor with no meds, etc, and then plan a funeral for her.  I had to pick out a casket and headstone.  IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.

I am SO sorry you have to deal with that.  I don't know what to say other than I can truly sympathize with you. 

Williamandshawnna

I agree with passing along the post. I am sorry that this is happening. Huge hugs

HullGut

That is hard. It's crazy how many people have compared their miscarriage to my loss. I know it hurts and it's horrible, but it's not the same. I never correct people I usually just smile and walk away. People just don't get it sometimes.

PinkCamino

I am so sorry you feel that she is comparing. ((HUGS))

Petunia844

I just want to offer hugs.  I had an aunt who did this to me, said she knew exactly how I felt because she had a mc between two of her three healthy babies.  My mom finally told her to stop, told her not to bring my son up to me anymore.

Bayberry12

Thank you all so much for all the kind words and thoughtful replies, it really means a lot.

I actually had to take a few days to really calm down after all this.  It really effected DH and me, we hardly slept that night, and just felt really down after this.  It really hurts him that she  keeps comparing losses and that she always  says we are hurting her family by not being there, and her kids miss us, but they will understand when they are older.  It's like she drops a bomb and hides behind her kids.  

I have started to write her a honest, thoughtful letter, that is calm and not defensive (I don't know if I'll ever send it).  DH has spoken to his mother about this family issue, and we all agree that how she dealt with her miscarriage has no bearing on how others deal with their own losses, and can not be used as means to measure grief.  

We have offered to have a sit down with her, and anyone else who wants to talk.  We offered to attend a counseling session together.  And basically agree that she needs to realize this is something different than she can ever understand, but she needs to have some compassion.  If none of these things happen, then basically, she is just a person that I will have to see from time to time, but don't have to have a relationship with.  And I am ok with that.