New at this... WHOLE thing...

dani122482

I don't want to bore anyone, but I'm at the end- emotionally. I tend to keep to myself a lot about what I'm going through- as most people think I'm crazy.

 

I have been very blessed. I was pregnant at 17- after one time, one night. Again at 18- after I was wrapped up in, what I thought, was my Knight in Shining Armor......I was VERY wrong. Here I was, 19 - with two daughters. I managed- they grew up. I met my husband and we were married. I was told I would have issues getting pregnant. At the age of 24 doctors were leaning towards a hysterectomy due to my constant bleeding. I felt guilty marrying a man who willing took on the responsibility of my girls, but never being able to give him his own child. We decided- whatever happens, happens! And she did! Our daughter arrived May 2, 2007; we were overjoyed! Since her birth, we were pregnant again in 2009; and unfortunately, lost our baby. It was a difficult time- but I was still in school and he was working far from home. We used it as our motivation! He transferred closer to home and I was in my final semester of college and student teaching. I knew I wouldn't mind teaching and being pregnant, so May of 2011 we decided to stop not NOT trying! Thinking we'd be as lucky as the first two times, I didn't second guess our decision. 

At first, I thought it was stress. I asked my doctor who explained that since I gained weight, I couldn't get pregnant. I was hurt. I mean years of depo and BC to stop my periods took its toll on me. Not to mention- going to school full time and raising three very active kids who do an abundance of extra curricular activities meant fast food and no "me" time. It's not an excuse- just bad situations and outcomes. Anyway, I changed doctors. Explained my whole history and right away, her ears perked. She felt that I had endometriosis, but couldn't officially diagnose it without surgery. "Surgery?" I thought, "Phewy! There's nothing wrong with me! I have three gorgeous daughters- there's never been any issues!" She sent me for a sonogram and low and behold- there it was. A cyst. It was big enough to need surgery to remove it- but she was hopeful that after a few cycles it would decrease in size. Well, I was in my last semester- I didn't have time for appointments. I have kids...and a husband....it'll happen if it's supposed to! WRONG! After the semester ended, I finally went for my sonogram. The technician wouldn't let me leave- on my left ovary sat a 12cm cyst, with several others around it and on my right side. Surgery was immediate. Endometriosis was found and diagnosed, and a D&C was performed. It was a rough recovery in January 2012.

February of 2012 I began Lupron injections, as recommended by my doctor for 6 months. This was to shut my body down and put me in false menopause. I was a train wreck! I hated everything and everyone....people were pregnant all around me and I at 29yrs was in menopause! AWFUL! 

I took my last injection July 2012 and hopped right back on that baby boat! According to the doc, there was no time to lose! August passed.....September....nothing! I met with the fertility specialist at the office who felt maybe PCOS was to play as well and stuck me on Metformin. In the mean time, I was also sent to a fertility clinic to be evaluated- when.....low and behold, another cyst! Surgery in November and it's been balls to the wall since! I began Femara treatments in January and AF arrived right on time. On my second cycle and feeling like I'm falling apart. I responded well to treatment and my hubby's sperm count was through the roof (TMI - I know!) I can't help it. Our niece arrived in December and my nephew came just last week. Babies are everywhere!

I guess the hardest part is that NO ONE understands. People think- you have 3, you're crazy....who would want more!? No one seems to get that my older two (now 11 and 12) are rarely here. Between their friends and the every other weekends and separate "Daddy Lives", it's just me and my youngest- who's about to 6!!!!! I feel like we've been on this ride for 21 months and there's been nothing but setbacks. People around me think I'm crazy for wanting more and tell me I need to be happy with what I have. My poor husband would give anything for another.....and would do anything to have full blood siblings. If, God forbid, something should happen to me.....all of my children would be sent in different directions. No one would remain together. I have no one to talk to- they all think I'm nuts. My family does NOT support me! Basically, pregnancy is the only way (according to the doc) to "reset" my system. Otherwise, at age 30, I face a hysterectomy. 

My mother had one at 49. She's pressuring me to have one. Seriously?!?!?!?! I already "went" through menopause! It was awful! I think my husband and I had sex twice....in 6 months! I had no sex drive and I was an emotional basket case who would bite your head off for not using a coaster! The offered us IVF- and our amazing insurance would cover it, at no cost to us. No one supports this, but my husband and I think it's a way to have a baby AND preserve my woman parts! Isn't what we want most important? Why do I feel so unsupported? Why is it that they wait until he's working and then bombard me why I shouldn't want a baby. I feel like my sister is so wonderful and understanding and really has been so amazing - but she's also never had any issues (3 times over). 

I am rambling....I realize that. But I've been holding this in for forever and I just wish someone out there could relate and offer words of wisdom or something. I'm highly emotional.....but that's probably all the hormones. Will it ever end....happily??

AprilDrew04

IF just plain sucks.  I understand how it feels to be working toward having a baby, but also feel like you are doing nothing to get there.  My story is a bit different...I have one DD who turns 3 in a few days.  I also had primary IF and after DH had surgery and started taking clomid we finally conceived DD (after ttc for 3 years).

The bitterness and sadness that I feel when I see others that are pregnant or have new babies is hard to deal with.  This board has been an amazing support for me.  We spent from June to September last year ttc through IUI...in that entire time we managed to do the procedure once.  There were so many delays...too long a cycle, too short a cycle, cysts...things just kept delaying us.

Then at the end of September DH had 2 grand mall seizures.  I have never been so stressed in my life.  It through off my cycles, made me crazy emotional, I was dealing with health worries for him, thinking about ttc or when we would be able to ttc again.  We are now just over 2 months past his last seizure...he is on meds to control them.  And I am still waiting for us to be ready to get back to ttc.  

Anyway, the point of this long reply is that I understand the frustration and emotional overload that this whole situation causes...even though our situations are different.

Hang in there and know that I'll be rooting for you! 

tryingyetagain

Welcome, this is a really nice and supportive group of women.  Good luck to you.

LadyDouce

I've been ttc 3 for 3 years now and i can totally relate. I hold on to hope. Hope that my choices are leading me closer to my baby. I know it's discouraging to feel like your baby making years are limited but you're courageous to try every avenue of getting your baby here. IVF gives you hope and I wouldn't give up on that possibility either.

dani122482

Thank you everyone for your kind words. AF arrived on the first and I haven't had the desire to do much. Meeting with infertility next week to possibly change protocol. We wanted to keep it as natural as possible so I guess we'll see what happens when the time comes.