Having more babies...When is enough going to be enough for me?

crystalmarie903

So, I have an 8 month old and a three year old.  I feel like I'm not done though.  I love my children, but I feel like I want another.  My husband is adamant that 2 is all he wants and all we need, but I really feel like right now, I am going to want one more.  I came from a family with 3 kids so maybe that's why I feel we need 3.  My question is, how did YOU know when you were truly content with the size of your family?

Kristinmo

MandJS:

If one of you is done, then, that's it. 

I agree with this completely.  If he is truly done, you will have to respect his decision.

I think we're done with 2 but we've agreed not to make any decisions either way until DD is at least 2 years old.

crystalmarie903

Ok, well I guess my question is more for people who have been in this situation themselves.  Was there like a moment when you finally felt complete?  Or is wanting another just a feeling that fades away?

magdalina.h

Is there something missing in your life? Maybe that's it.

I medically shouldn't have any c/s after this one and we had said all along we wanted 2. We will have 2 (fingers crossed) plus an angel.

ChristyML

I have a 4.5 month old.

When my husband and I discuss it, it's usually him saying 6 and me saying 4, but if we can afford to have more than 4 (and if I'm not exhausted and if my body can handle more) I might like to have more.

I'm just dreading the time when I feel done....I just don't see how I could ever be done...My husband says that there is no limit for him as long as everyone is taken care of in all aspects, so I guess it's really up to me how many we have lol.

When I was pregnant, I was feeling like I wanted to be done with just one. I think I could handle at least one more (I already miss being pregnant).

It's really up in the air for us right now.

I agree with pps; if one of you are done, you both should be done.

ETA: I have a weird feeling that we'll be done with 3 though, just because I feel like our next child will be a boy and the one after than will be a girl, and then I don't have any feelings whatsoever about the sex, so I joke like "maybe we're done?" 

SuperTreesa

My H and I always agreed we wanted 3. But after DD2 was born, I knew I was done. It wasn't a negative thing, like "damn this is too much work" but I just felt complete with my two little girls. I had no desire for a #3. My H was NOT done. He didn't badger me but when I brought up being done, he let me know he still really wanted a third. 

Afterr many conversations about it, I finally decided that in 20 years my husband would always regret not having a third. And if we had a third, I knew I would never regret it. So I compromised. And I'm 5 weeks pregnant with no#3. 

Even being pregnant, I can look at my daughters and know that would have been enough for me. But that's our situation. I know if I had stood firm my H would have supported my decision even if he had regrets.  

crystalmarie903

Ok I guess I should have left out the part about my husband saying he was done.  That's not really what I'm getting at.  I just want to know if wanting more is something I will experience every time I am no longer pregnant.  Is there anyone who can verbalized how they knew or what made them come to the conclusion that they were done having kids.  AND that they were at peace with this choice.

crystalmarie903

Thanks supertreesa and Darbie, these are the kind of responses I was looking for.  I know he is completely at peace with having two.  I just don't know if I am.  I think if it really came down to it he'd give in.  I don't even know if I ACTUALLY want another or if its just missing being pregnant and the excitement of making another little person to love.  I'm just struggling with this and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

ks3pink

I don't think I will ever accept not having another. I wanted three and got three but I never imagined I'd get three with two pregnancies. While I hate being pregnant it just wasn't my plan and I still have to remind myself that I have my three, DH only wanted 2, and this is it. It's not that three isn't enough, our family feels complete, it's just not the way I planned it happening.

pamiva1

crystalmarie903:

Ok I guess I should have left out the part about my husband saying he was done.  That's not really what I'm getting at.  I just want to know if wanting more is something I will experience every time I am no longer pregnant.  Is there anyone who can verbalized how they knew or what made them come to the conclusion that they were done having kids.  AND that they were at peace with this choice.

 

i knew after our third that our family was complete...it was not a feeling I had after either one of my earlier child's births. I think I will always briefly wish to be pregnant again, ESP when friends are, but I know this is the right size for our family and am so thankful for my three kids. 

greengirl0909

I get what you're saying. I've always wanted a big family. However, being older I know that one, maybe 2 more are all I have in my future. I worry that I will always long to be pregnant again, always feel like I want one more. I have friends who tell me the feeling of wanting another one has never gone away for them.  I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that someone else out there could relate. 

APrice4UT

I am 37+ weeks pregnant with #3 and I know that I am done because I am 100% confident in my decision to tie my tubes.  DH and I agreed to 3 from the get go and neither one of us felt done after baby #2.  This new baby feels like the completion of our family.

crystalmarie903

greengirl0909:

I worry that I will always long to be pregnant again, always feel like I want one more.  

 

This is EXACTLY how I feel.  And knowing that my husband is, at this point, really not even entertaining the notion of another is really depressing for me... 

Louiej

I think I will always miss being pregnant and having a newborn. But for me, it was like graduation from college. You look back at a place that's been such a huge part of your life and are kind of sad to leave it....but at the same time, you couldn't pay me to start it all over again!

I based my family's completion on lots of factors, I'd have a bazillion kids if I let myself be emotional about it. 

slaughter182

We kind of set our number in stone years ago. We both wanted at least 2 biological children and then wanted to explore adoption. We both grew up with one sibling and see the value in having brothers and sisters.

PP's had a good point though, that if one partner is done having children, it's kind of off the table...

sweetpea2003

I think this stuff is a battle of emotions vs. logic.

Even if you know you are done for a dozen reasons, we all mourn a little as our babies get older and become big kids.  It is important to ask "do I want another baby?" or is it a "I wish my babies would stop growing up" kind of feeling? 

We have two kids - a boy and a girl - and I honestly thought I would be totally done at the point I am now.  But DH comes from a bigger family and as my son has gotten older I have definitely been hit with the unexpected "I'm not done" feeling.  So we are going to TTC #3 and see what happens. 

After #3, we are done.  Not because I know exactly how I will feel, but because our lifestyle is unique (military) and I just don't know if I would be okay with long deployments and lots of moving with more than three kids.  It is my personal limit.  DH would totally have 5+ kids, and I would consider more if we didn't have such a transient crazy life, but it is what it is .

2Dash

(lurker posting)

I think if you really want three you should ask your DH if you can have another conversation about it 6 months from now or 1 year from now etc.  Sometimes with time people change their minds, sometimes not - but ask if he is willing to keep an open mind for a designated amount of time.

I'm from a big family as well (4 kids) so I often have a "do I want two or three kids" debate with myself, DH.

Mommy2CB

DH and I would both like 3, especially since I am pg with our 2nd boy. It is mostly a financial thing for us though, we want to be able to provide for our children and make sure all of their needs are met. I don't see us going further than 3.

NerdyMama2

If DH is done, you're done.

kcisthebombdotcom

We've struggled with this decision since my second was born and still haven't made a final decision now. As we both feel now we don't want anymore but we've both changed our minds about a million times in the past two years.

Just because your DH says he's done now doesn't necessarily mean that's what the future will hold. I think most people with a 3 year old and an 8 month old wouldn't have more kids on the brain. I would agree to drop the issue for now and see how you feel in another year. Your mind might change; his mind might change. I think many women get baby fever when their youngest stops being a brand new baby but it may subside when your youngest gets more independent/becomes a playmate to your older child and life gets easier.

salt78

crystalmarie903:

Was there like a moment when you finally felt complete? 

Yep. It was after I had one.