"Why are you so stupid?"

CaptainSerious

A kid asked M this at his basketball class yesterday, after M apparently didn't understand the directions to a drill.  At M's first school in the US, they drilled it into the kids that "stupid" is a bad word, equivalent to a curse/slur, so it hurt him really bad.

He handled it well, and told our nanny (my husband and I were at parent-teacher conferences last night), who confronted the child (and his mother when she asked what was going on).  The child denied saying anything bad, but was obviously shocked that he was called out on it.  M came home and was extremely shaken up about it and said he was "worried" because he "almost got into a fight."  We talked about it, and he said it hurt him and mad him feel sad.  I sympathized with him and told him that I'm sorry he was hurting, that it wasn't nice of the other boy to say, and that some people don't care about how they make other people feel.  I also told him that I think he handled it well, to walk away and come talk to us about it.

I know I should have reminded him that he's not stupid (we assure him of this all the time at home), and probably given him some ways he could have handled the situation (maybe tell the boy he was just confused and ask him for help?), but in the moment, I didn't think of it.  We have therapy tonight, so we'll address this then for sure.

But my heart is breaking.  I know that M is coming of the age that his differences will become more apparent, and I am so sad that this might become a more regular thing.  For those of you with older kids, what do you do to prepare and immunize your kids from hurtful comments like this that could tear down their self-esteem?

goldenleaves

Oh, that makes my heart hurt. I have no advice, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of him. How sad, kids can be so mean!

Rachel Sonnier

No advice Captain, but I am SO sorry. I have been hearing stories about M for over a year now, so I feel like I kind of know him. My heart hurts for him, and you. You guys are both in my prayers. ((hugs))

CaptainSerious

Auntie, M was diagnosed with a fetal alcohol spectrum disorder in December (we are awaiting the final report with the exact diagnosis).  He is legally 10 years old (biologically more likely to be 12.5) and in third grade.  He does not have any of the common facial features typically associated with a person with FAS, or any telling psychical features at all.  Since he's adopted, revealing that his difficulties are likely the result of his biological mother's drinking (who he loves very much and had a relationship with), we have not explained his diagnosis to him yet.  We are working towards it with our therapist.

In M's case, FASD presents in a lot of ways.  It is likely what caused his congenital heart condition.  It also presents as a cognitive delay and dyslexia.  M does know that he has dyslexia and a learning disability, but not specifically about FASD.

The basketball class is a mainstream class that teaches the game and necessary skills to kids ages 9-12, so the kids was around M's age, although I can't say for sure where in that range he fell.  It's taught at a local for-profit sports center that sees a lot of turnover, so I'm not expecting the staff to be much help here.  M is super athletic, has done extremely well on his mainstream swimming and football teams, and has mostly typically developing friends, so we never thought about him needing a different environment for sports (or certain sports), although that is something we may have to consider in the future.

I do see your point about adult involvement.  Often, M wants us to get involved, but we are pushing him to handle situations on his own, and this is a good example of where we should help him develop the skills to do so.  In the past, we have always told him that if someone hits/pushes/is mean to him, he should tell an adult, rather than fight back.  I guess he's coming of the age where we should help him feel confident in finding his voice to defend himself.

I also agree with you about not framing the other child as someone who just doesn't care.  I admit, in the moment, I didn't know what to say to make M feel better and to know that what the other child said wasn't okay.

mommyof4boys

There are a lot of buddy ball programs around here.  Have you looked into them? I'm in Somerset County.  I'm sorry M heard that.  We've dealt with it here too.  Matthew gets called "r" and "stupid" often.  The most recent was at boy scouts and before I could respond, the den leader ripped into the kid.