SD and Grades

dawnm975

A couple months back SD was diagnosed with depression/anxiety. BM thinks we put too much importance on SD grades said doesn't matter what her grades are. SD went on medicine and we all agreed to give SD time to adjust to her medicine grades weren't discussed for over a month. The new semester started about a month ago and SD is doing well she feels the medicine is really helping her. We said it was a new start for her grades just looking forward. We offered help if needed said it was up to SD to check grades. Just received a progress report she has two F's. DH asked her on the phone what is happening heard the "I don't know". She'll be home tomorrow night we are planning on talking to her. We just have no idea what to say want to ask see if everything really is going well but then what do we ground her check her work every night she's with us or ??? We're just at a loss. SD will already be going to summer school because she failed a class last semester; didn't seem to bother her. Anyone else experience this?

J&A2008

Can you get some help?  A tutor?

Oldest SS went through some trouble (elementary school) due to all the BF issues and ADHD.  Adding a tutor to the mix was a blessing because it took some of the family tensions off.  We had a "neutral" party to help with schoolwork, and taking some of the pressure off of DH and me took pressure off of SS, too. 

He is on medication, and it has helped, and each year has shown great improvement with this year being our best yet.

Sounds like she's on track to improve, but it won't happen overnight.  I wish you all the best!

lookame3639

I would either get a tutor or check her homework every night. Have her sit at the table and work theoufh her assignments. When shes with BM see if you can skype with her and have her hold up her homework assignments. Then at the end of the semester offer some sort of reward. My parents offered cash on a scale. A's were worth 20, b's were 10, and c's were worth 5. D's and f's got nothing, if giving her money doesn't seen fesible maybe reward her with something she really wants. I know good grades are expected but it may help to add a little incentive to get her excited.

socloudy99

If the bad grades are from low scores on homework and tests I would get her a tutor and start regularly reviewing her homework with her.

If the bad grades are from not turning in assignments I would still do above but also add a punishment. Maybe some extra chores, no phone for a couple days, or whatever will bother her.

Littlejen22

lookame3639:

I would either get a tutor or check her homework every night. Have her sit at the table and work theoufh her assignments. When shes with BM see if you can skype with her and have her hold up her homework assignments. Then at the end of the semester offer some sort of reward. My parents offered cash on a scale. A's were worth 20, b's were 10, and c's were worth 5. D's and f's got nothing, if giving her money doesn't seen fesible maybe reward her with something she really wants. I know good grades are expected but it may help to add a little incentive to get her excited.

I think if she just got diagnosed with anxiety and depression if you make her Skype you to show her homework daily you will add an insane amount of pressure that she cannot handle yet. And I think school is extremely important but not over mental health!

Does she see a therapist? If no get one and ask them how to proceed with incentives. Get a tutor is a great suggestion.

Ilumine

First and foremost - who has primary custody? 

Second, other than waiting on her progress reports, what have you done in regards to monitoring her grades?

The reality is, children do not pop out knowing how to study properly, manage time, prioritize their work, etc.  Add to the fact that kids will always choose fun over work, you have a recipe for disastor.

When SS came to live with us, we had the same problem.  Kid would not study, would not do homework and would lie to us about it all (oh and blame the teachers).

We had to get hard ass on him.

1. homework immediately when they come home.  Snacks provided.
2. No electronis or friends until 1 hour of homework was done.  Then after dinner, no computer/electronics until the rest was done - the rest included studying on top of homework.
3. He was provided an agenda and had to write down his homework for each class every day.  If no homework he had to write down "no homework" and then he had to get his teacher to sign off on it.  If no signature, he would not get computer  that night.
4. Every day, I compared his completed homework in gradespeed and his agenda.  If something was not completed/turned in, he would lose his computer for 2 days. -  I kid you not, the kid would complete the homework at home and then just NOT turn it in.  He would "lose it" or forget.
5. He had to cleanout/organize his bookbag and trapper keeper once a week.
6. We took him to Sylvian to learn how to study (there are tricks/ways to study effectively). 

It took almost 2 years, with LOTS of backlash in the beginning, to get the RITUALS of studying down.  He went from Cs and Ds to As and Bs, with an occassional issue with Math.

SimpleJane

Littlejen22:

lookame3639:

I would either get a tutor or check her homework every night. Have her sit at the table and work theoufh her assignments. When shes with BM see if you can skype with her and have her hold up her homework assignments. Then at the end of the semester offer some sort of reward. My parents offered cash on a scale. A's were worth 20, b's were 10, and c's were worth 5. D's and f's got nothing, if giving her money doesn't seen fesible maybe reward her with something she really wants. I know good grades are expected but it may help to add a little incentive to get her excited.

I think if she just got diagnosed with anxiety and depression if you make her Skype you to show her homework daily you will add an insane amount of pressure that she cannot handle yet. And I think school is extremely important but not over mental health!

Does she see a therapist? If no get one and ask them how to proceed with incentives. Get a tutor is a great suggestion.

I agree that mental health trumps school, and I would be talking to her therapist to see how to proceed.

2chatter

I think this is a bigger issue than grades.  I think that is evidenced by the fact she is already medicated.  I don't think a tutor will help in this case particularly.  It sounds like an overall ennui and motivation issue. 

I would do baby steps toward the goal - which is having an independent, motivated child.  Discuss how she feels with her.  Let her talk, don't share your thoughts or opinions.  If her thought or opinion is she does not know or does not care, go to the school counselor. 

If the initial convo goes well, do what you would do with a young child for homework - set times, set environment, read through the instructions, etc.  Build good habits together and add more as she enjoys success from the first things you do. 

Banana44

My SS has anxiety and goes to therapy for it.  What type of anxiety does you SD have?  Is it just Generalized Anxiety/depression or is she specifically anxious about grades and school work?

My SS has separation anxiety.  Pretty much anytime he is not with a parent he worries that he is going to be abandoned, that the parent will get hurt or die, that the parent will leave him (intentionally), and many other thoughts down that line.  Last year, prior to us understanding that he was having anxiety problems (he was good at hiding it) his grades plummeted. His grades have improved this year.  He sees a group therapist who is teaching him how to use logical thought, how to cope with anxiety and panic disorder and is teaching him how to communicate about his anxiety.  As parents we are also being taught how to work with his anxiety.  Through all of this - we did not change how we handle bad grades, bad behavior or anything else!  To say the grades are due to anxiety is a cop out!  Your SD needs to be responsible for her own actions and she needs to see a Cognitive Behavioral therapist to learn how to live with her anxiety!

However, you can only parent at your house.  Check her homework, make sure she is completing assignments - but when she is with BM, you need to allow BM to parent the way she wants to parent. 

Good luck - and if you have any questions about anxiety or dealing with axiety - let me know!

 

ambrvan

I suffered from severe anxiety and depression most of my life and only.in my adult years learned how to cope with it. I was always a straight A, honors class student. Last two years of high school, my grades plummetted. Nothing worked for me. Grounding, checking my work, taking away everything in my room except my bed and clothes, NOTHING. The grades were really just a secondary problem.

Once I got into counseling of my.own accord at 17, everything looked up. My grandmother found me a tutor which was a major embarrassment for me since I had always been the smart kid and it was a wonderful thing for me. My grades shot back up to As, so I was less embarrased about the tutor.

What I am saying is that although you cannot let the grades or behavior or whatever the problem is go by the wayside, it is probably a secondary issue. And if she seriously is suffering from anxiety and/or depression, then getting to the bottom of that is going to need be priority. Everything else.can come after that. I would definitely suggest counseling, and try to get a counselor that can talk to too about how best to handle this.