In need of advice (difficult to explain and long) please help

newmommiee91

I am 32 weeks pregnant and I feel like everything is falling apart. I found out I was pregnant, unplanned, in August before I headed off to college. After finishing the fall semester I decided to take the spring semester off to focus on my pregnancy and getting on my feet for the fall semester and in order to do so I moved back in with my mother and out of the dorms. I am due in April and planned to live with her long enough for me and my boyfriend to find a place together near his college. I have never had drastic problems with my mom but lately everything seems to be falling apart.

 When I arrived in January we went to the store and she left her Facebook logged into my phone and I found out that she had been lying to me about watching my six siblings for her so she could visit a girlfriend in Florida. There wasn't a girlfriend in Florida.... She was cheating on my stepdad with a man in Florida and he was flying her down there all expenses paid. I didn't know how to react to this. Also I didn't want her seeing some strange man in Florida and to betray my stepdad and the six children they have together for some fling in Florida. I approached her about it and she reacted numbly and blank and refused to abandon the trip. Naturally I felt she betrayed us all and got very upset and she still planned on leaving and seeing this guy even though I refused to babysit for her to go have an affair. Honestly, I feared she wouldn't come back.

 So after I gave her an ultimatum. She either stays from the trip because I wasn't watching her kids, or I tell my stepdad what shes doing. I gave her a choice so when she chose to still leave I called my stepdad and told him why I wasn't watching her children and why. My mother is a stay at home mom and my stepdad works on the road to support her and the children. While he's out busting his ass to give her money she's spending it on clothes, gifts for her SO and lingerie  for her affair, stealing his tax money to spend frivolously and nothing for the help of the family, and lying all the time. I felt telling him was the right thing, for her safety and the sake of the family. He confronted her about the affair and on new years and she called me and blamed me for ruining her marriage and attempted suicide in s hotel room with her medications. I sent the police to intervene and they transported her to the hospital where she stayed for 3 days. I visited her everyday and everyday she blamed me and told me she'd never forgive me.

Now after my stepdad extensively trying to make it work and buying her gifts and apologizing for whatever made her feel this way she continued to lie and have an affair. He's found dirty pictures and emails of her and her lover trash talking me and plotting to talk privately because my stepdad "holds the purse strings." 

I am afraid of my mother who used to be my confidon and my best friend. I'm afraid of her split personality and the tension between us. I feel alone and like she basically died in that hotel room that night and I'm living with a women who neglects her 6 children to stare at a phone or a computer screen and have an affair. Besides me my siblings range from ages 4-13 and they cook their own meals 75-80% of the time and they never bathed and four year old sister is never even changed out of her clothes and will wear the same outfit for weeks at a time. I'm having my own baby now, I can't be their mother anymore. I need to move out but I'm afraid for my siblings and that's she will attempt suicide again. She says if I move out shes cutting off my phone and insurance making it impossible to get a job after the birth of this baby. 

But i can't be apart of this anymore and I refuse to raise my child here. I have an option to live with my SO parents. But I don't want to abandon my family. I'm at a loss. My siblings need me. What can I do? 

mimimimimiiii

Do something that you feel it's right for you and the baby. When the baby comes, it's not healthy for him/her grow up in this environment. I know you love your mom, but it seems like she needs some help and you can't lie to your stepdad about she having affair and on internet 24-7 anymore. She needs to get her head straight and to take care your siblings. I would get a part time job and just be apart her for awhile and see if there is any change or can she realize things that she have done are so wrong.

newmommiee91

mimimimimiiii:

Do something that you feel it's right for you and the baby. When the baby comes, it's not healthy for him/her grow up in this environment. I know you love your mom, but it seems like she needs some help and you can't lie to your stepdad about she having affair and on internet 24-7 anymore. She needs to get her head straight and to take care your siblings. I would get a part time job and just be apart her for awhile and see if there is any change or can she realize things that she have done are so wrong.

 

Thank you, I feel like I know what to do its just hard. Love your LOs name!

 

livleen3

Damn girl.. Im sorry you have to deal with this! And my heart goes out to your siblings. So your mother is obviously not herself and her delusional mind has taken over. I don't think she will change unless she wants to herself. And you would think 6 kids would be enough of a reason but i guess not. You have to remain sane and healthy for your baby. So as soon as you can leave you should. And try to get the 13 yr old to help with the younger ones(I know its not the 13 yr old job). And you can help from a distance.. You dont have to commit to it 100% but do whatever you can do. But make sure you take care of yourself and your baby... I don't think Fighting with your mother will help at all bc shes out of it. Try to ignore her while your there. And see if you can buy a cheap cell phone(amazon or ebay) or see if you and your BF can have 2 phones under his cell phone line which can be cheaper than you getting your own line. I hope things get better super fast for you!!!

Bug Hugs..

KaliChick

If your siblings are being neglected you need to call Social Services (Child Protective Services or whatever it is called in your state) and report it.  Maybe that will help wake your mother up.  If not, they are better suited to not be in the home with her.  It is not your responsibility to care for your six siblings.  Is their father able to take a leave from work to come home and try and straighten out the situation?  Maybe trying to have a conversation with him is what's best ... explain to him that you are unable to care for the children and your mother and you feel that it's best for you to move in with your SO's family.  However, if she can't care for the children you have no choice but to report her.  If you don't, your siblings teachers might (trust me, they will take notice).

Your mother sounds terribly depressed and probably needs some significant therapy.

Good luck to all of you!
 

newmommiee91

livleen3:

Damn girl.. Im sorry you have to deal with this! And my heart goes out to your siblings. So your mother is obviously not herself and her delusional mind has taken over. I don't think she will change unless she wants to herself. And you would think 6 kids would be enough of a reason but i guess not. You have to remain sane and healthy for your baby. So as soon as you can leave you should. And try to get the 13 yr old to help with the younger ones(I know its not the 13 yr old job). And you can help from a distance.. You dont have to commit to it 100% but do whatever you can do. But make sure you take care of yourself and your baby... I don't think Fighting with your mother will help at all bc shes out of it. Try to ignore her while your there. And see if you can buy a cheap cell phone(amazon or ebay) or see if you and your BF can have 2 phones under his cell phone line which can be cheaper than you getting your own line. I hope things get better super fast for you!!!

Bug Hugs..

Thank you for the kind words and thoughtful advice! We have spoken to my SOs parents about my temporary stay there when LO is here. But the cell phone thing is a good idea. I really appreciate the support it means a lot.  

newmommiee91

KaliChick:

If your siblings are being neglected you need to call Social Services (Child Protective Services or whatever it is called in your state) and report it.  Maybe that will help wake your mother up.  If not, they are better suited to not be in the home with her.  It is not your responsibility to care for your six siblings.  Is their father able to take a leave from work to come home and try and straighten out the situation?  Maybe trying to have a conversation with him is what's best ... explain to him that you are unable to care for the children and your mother and you feel that it's best for you to move in with your SO's family.  However, if she can't care for the children you have no choice but to report her.  If you don't, your siblings teachers might (trust me, they will take notice).

Your mother sounds terribly depressed and probably needs some significant therapy.

Good luck to all of you!
 

Thank you for the advice, I have talked to my stepdad about it. He's trying his best! But I will keep in mind all that you said and thank you for the thoughts and suggestions I really appreciate all the support 

mommytoconnor

I would say move out, get a job to support yourself and baby and I would place call to child protective services and make them aware of the situation.  You can do it anonamously if you want.  Thats not a good environment for any of you.  Your mom needs help.