Blended Families

So when the hell is EOWE going to start??

I'd like to preface by saying that I have absolutely no problem that I have DD full time.  I expect one day, I will anyway. 

However, H has been talking about getting or seeing DD for three weeks now and nothing has happened.  First he talked about running here last Sunday to see DD and get the last of his stuff. Then it was he was going to take her this coming weekend. He never came Sunday and now he has to work Saturday.

I guess I'm okay if he has to work,apparently someone is having a baby and will be off for 6 weeks or something, but he told me his boss was cool about him taking his weekends of that he gets DD.  Well that's obviously not the case. 

I just wish he wouldn't talk so damn big about wanting to see her and start his weekends and then not follow thru. It makes me wonder if he really was the problem when it came to SD's visitation years ago.

THEN - last night I gave the phone to DD. she was across the room and I was not a part of the conversation between DD and H. I think he thought I had left the room.  I stayed quiet.  When he asked DD where mommy was, she said, "Right there." but I kept quiet.  He wanted DD to take the phone to me. Only DD didn't and I didn't go to take it.  So he talks to her as I am working on the computer. I keep my ear open.

When DD does finally bring me the phone, H says that DD asked when he was coming home.  (WTF?  Really?) She didn't say that. I told him I was present the whole time and I did not hear that out of DD's mouth.  He swore up and down that she said it twice clear as a bell.  Even though I told him I heard the entire conversation. I find it interesting that miraculously he can now understand her after complaining for months now how he can't understand a word she says.

For the love of God, he is using our daughter to get to me. EPIC FAIL.

I am not humored in the slightest by this lame attempt.

"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval

Re: So when the hell is EOWE going to start??

  • Sounds ALL too familiar, unfortunately.  Lots of big talk, no follow through, oh, and then - but the kids "need" me.
    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • Honestly J I think you are still trying to see the best in him, you are doing well and I am sure it will take time but he did not get to the point he is/was at with his four adult children without being to blame for at least some of them. Continue to not let him really get to you and I would be tempted to offer to tape his conversations if he wants to keep making up things that DD is not saying. And I have no doubt hat she will be best off when he realized he cannot get to you and he drops off the face of the earth. Having one stable parent is better than two parents when one is using the child and playing games. And document everything for court and also if you ever need it when DD is older and he tries to tell her you lied as I have no doubt he will tell her and the future women the same story he told you.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • I highly doubt he had to work any Saturday. That is probably his time to look for a new caregiver (AKA wife) because we all know he can't take care of himself.

    You have made such huge improvements in how you deal with him. Just keep it moving. He is showing what a HUGE part he is of his older childrens issues. I know you won't let that happen to your DD.

    Offer him every other Sunday from noon to 6pm and see if he can keep up with that. I doubt it!

  • Shouldn't he have to find a babysitter if he is called into work on his EOWE?

    In real life you don't just get to not take care of your kid when you have her, why should he get to pick and choose. Either he has her EOWE or he doesn't. I wouldn't let him pick and choose WHEN he gets her. She is his responsibility too.

    And IF he is gonna play games like it sounds like he is... "she wants to know when I'm coming home"....maybe you should ask him When he is gonna be a dad.

    Grrr! What a Jerkface.

  • I see him disappearing of his own accord within a few years if you let him.

    And if the druggie transient friends are still in the picture, I'd let him.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • imageHopeforthebest:

    Shouldn't he have to find a babysitter if he is called into work on his EOWE?

    In real life you don't just get to not take care of your kid when you have her, why should he get to pick and choose. Either he has her EOWE or he doesn't. I wouldn't let him pick and choose WHEN he gets her. She is his responsibility too.

    And IF he is gonna play games like it sounds like he is... "she wants to know when I'm coming home"....maybe you should ask him When he is gonna be a dad.

    Grrr! What a Jerkface.

    I do think he had to work and probably does Saturday.  It sounds legit, and I know he worked Saturday because he called and he was clearly at work.  I'm kind of torn about this because I do think it's good he's working and making money in order to get his own place and get set up and more independent. This is important and critical to DD if he should step up and be a responsible co-parent.

    Yes, he probably should have daycare lined up, but I'd rather she be home with me, even tho it's in the CO that I have to approve who he has care for her. My family is in town, so if worse came to worse, one of them would step up and help.  I just don't want that to be an option for him unless it's an emergency or he'll take advantage of them. 

    I'm trying to get him to commit to a start date but when i do, I get the story about how he's trying to get on his feet now and then he tries to imply that I want to get rid of DD so I can go play.  That's not a conversation I want to have and when he goes there, it never ends up good. I'm trying not to engage. All I want is for him to commit to a start date and spend time with DD - who does obviously miss him.

    She hugs and kisses the phone without prompting.  I highly doubt she's asking daddy to come home, but I know she misses him.  She needs to see her daddy.

    But, H never had a normal upbringing.  He does not realize the impact he is having on his child. He likes to blame that and put it all on me for divorcing him. 

    I can't take that on and I won't.  DD and I are much happier, and as you all stated - that's important and what I intend to do and be. Happy. Stable. And a constant positive presence in her life.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • I think the start date you need has already passed.

    He has no real intention of commiting to the schedule; believe him when he has shown you who he is and how he will parent.

    The best thing I read was that the child will develop a relationship with their parent.  That relationship will be with whatever parent the child is shown.  It was very hard for me not to jump through hoops to enable my ex early on, but I had to realize I was not doing my ex favors or my DDs favors....so I get how you feel, how you want to know when things will "start".  But they have already started....I am five years in and things have not changed, but I am so grateful that I let myself off the hook early on or I would be crazy now.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I would approach it different. Right now you want him to commit and he refuses whether it is because he is not ready because he never will or just because it pisses you off. Regardless it is all excuses becausr if he wanted to he would move beaven and earth to do it. No matter the reason he will not commit to when he will start seeing her. If it were me the next time it came up I would tell him that it is in DDs best interest to have a regular relationship with an involve father and that when and if he de lcides to be that father he can contact you but until then you are done begging him to be there for her. And then tell him you have to go and hang up.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • image2chatter:

    I think the start date you need has already passed.

    He has no real intention of commiting to the schedule; believe him when he has shown you who he is and how he will parent.

    The best thing I read was that the child will develop a relationship with their parent.  That relationship will be with whatever parent the child is shown.  It was very hard for me not to jump through hoops to enable my ex early on, but I had to realize I was not doing my ex favors or my DDs favors....so I get how you feel, how you want to know when things will "start".  But they have already started....I am five years in and things have not changed, but I am so grateful that I let myself off the hook early on or I would be crazy now.

    THis is one of the best perspectives on this I think I've heard in a while.  It makes total sense. Right now, I'm the only one that hears and gets it.  I'm dreading the day that DD realizes what's going on. 

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • I hate that I totally get where you are - your ex and mine could be BFFs.

    I will say mine got more switched on after he passed the "divorce crazy" phase and after younger DD hit about 4 and was fully PT.  The key there is "more switched on". 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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