Looking for some advice from others who's wives misscarried — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Looking for some advice from others who's wives misscarried

So we're setting up our (2nd) 1st appointment. Last time we did it right away at week 6 or so while this time we're waiting till the middle of week 8. Obviously we're a little more apprehensive about the whole 1st trimester - especially since it was a missed miscarriage.

We also fee like last time when we kind of knew something was amiss - we didn't advocate for ourselves strongly enough. Something we want to correct this time.

For those of you who have unfortunately been through this as well, what did you do different the next time? We're thinking we probably want an earlier ultrasound - just to alleviate fears and get us a positive experience to build off of, but not sure what else we should ask for - or need to ask for - to help with the obvious issues we are dealing with.

Last time the plan was a ultrasound at week 12 (the day after we miscarried) - and before that they didn't plan on anything. No dopplar, no hormone level tracking. Adding to the concern is we are going to be in Italy for weeks 12 and 13 - right around the same time we miscarried last time - so some reassurance prior to going would be helpful.

And while we get from an intellectual point of view that one miscarriage does not equal a problem, and that the pregnancy is normal until it's not and there is little we can do about it - but from an emotional standpoint we are both on edge.

Any suggestions you might have (even if it's - just relax, asking for more tests is not the answer) is appreciated.

BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Looking for some advice from others who's wives misscarried

  • It's easy to say relax, but I know that's hard to do.  My wife wanted as many ultrasounds as possible.  Any indication that things were going as planned was better than nothing.  Every doctor/insurance is different on what they will do though.  Ours had one around 8 weeks and 12 weeks on the normal plan.  We happened to be in for some blood work on the day we miscarried the first time and the doctor gave us an additional sympathy ultrasound.

    My wife also got a home doppler the second time around.  She was able to borrow it from someone on the bump.  Although you can't really use it until about 10 weeks at the earliest, being able to hear the heartbeat really put her at ease.  You need to be careful with that because it can be hard to find early on.  If not being able to find it will drive you nuts then this is not a good option.

    Also, we just entered the 3rd trimester after miscarrying last time so don't give up hope!  Do your best to relax and enjoy your time together.


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  • We miscarried our frist conceived child.  It is a pain that I will never forget, and that I will always feel badly for my wife for having to go through that, physically.

    But there were signs that things were not going as well as they should have been.  The heartbeat was always lagging....always.  We started getting ultrasounds so early with the first one, that by 11 weeks, when the MC happened, it had already been a long, worrisome ride for us. But the heartrate was weak from the start, and that is where the stress came from.

    With our son Jake, we waited until the 11 week mark for our first dr. appt. We had the intial US, and everything they could see at that point was exactly how it should be, so that was already very positive for us, as we did not have the same blessing with the first child. So we went early for the first child, and were made more crazy because of the heartbeat issue. Waited for Jake, and got a great first visit out of that. With the next one, we will wait again.  I look at it as a MC is more likely in those first 8 weeks, so waiting at least that long might relieve future stresses. Finding out an issue early was painful for us. 

    We made every effort we could to be as chilled and relaxed as possible with Jake. And all of that was based off the experience with the MC.  Now, looking back, I know that if it was not meant to be, it would not have been.  But at the time when Jake was in utero, everyday it seemed I had one fleeting moment where I thought bad thoughts, but it was never the same bad thoughts I had with our first.  That is likely because with the first we knew early on that there were heartbeat issues.

    Relaxing is near impossible, so just try to keep everything in perspective. At the end of the day, what is meant to be will happen, but I completely understand that provides no relief.

    I know that once we were midway through the 2nd trimester any fears I had were gone, and my fears were more about abnormalities and defects, until that 25 week(?) US that confirmed everything was good with our boy from that perspective.

    I would say talking through those fears, as they come up, between the two of you, is about all you can do at this point. I know the fear is very real, but no one outside of your wife is going to understand those fears. Talking through them alone, at night, really worked for us, and helped keep us as calm as we could be. We helped each other through our rough spots, and that is what marriage/commitment is about. We went through the fear together. And we prayed.....A LOT!

    Guess what?  When you finally have your child in your arms, a whole new set of fears comes to the forefront, and those fears never go away, as they are rooted in protecting and wanting the best for your child.  But I know how hard it can be when you have a child in utero, and there is absolutely no level of control to have in that situation, outside of your wife eating healthy and being healthy.

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  • imagePrime:

    My wife also got a home doppler the second time around.  She was able to borrow it from someone on the bump.  Although you can't really use it until about 10 weeks at the earliest, being able to hear the heartbeat really put her at ease.  You need to be careful with that because it can be hard to find early on.  If not being able to find it will drive you nuts then this is not a good option.

    My wife opted against a home doppler because she thought she would go crazy if the HB was not sounding strong enough, or if it was hard to find. She just didn't want to introduce another level of stress when she didn't have to.  Her last trimester she was in the dr. office getting stress tests on the fetus multiple times a week anyway, so they were all over that HB by that point.

    Nice technology, but our dr. told us that patients of her's who had home dopplers would always call the nurse when they could not find the HB, or if it was not as strong as they would like. For my wife, that was not worth it.  Too much added stress if the doppler was not doing what we want it to be doing.  Heck, at those weekly readings Jake would hide or not cooperate and their doppler would not pick up on the HB very well. 

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  • imageladyjenna13:

    imagePrime:

    My wife also got a home doppler the second time around.  She was able to borrow it from someone on the bump.  Although you can't really use it until about 10 weeks at the earliest, being able to hear the heartbeat really put her at ease.  You need to be careful with that because it can be hard to find early on.  If not being able to find it will drive you nuts then this is not a good option.

    My wife opted against a home doppler because she thought she would go crazy if the HB was not sounding strong enough, or if it was hard to find. She just didn't want to introduce another level of stress when she didn't have to.  Her last trimester she was in the dr. office getting stress tests on the fetus multiple times a week anyway, so they were all over that HB by that point.

    Nice technology, but our dr. told us that patients of her's who had home dopplers would always call the nurse when they could not find the HB, or if it was not as strong as they would like. For my wife, that was not worth it.  Too much added stress if the doppler was not doing what we want it to be doing.  Heck, at those weekly readings Jake would hide or not cooperate and their doppler would not pick up on the HB very well. 

    I was against the doppler for all those reasons.  That's why I mentioned you need to know for yourself how you'll handle it.  Turned out to be good for her, but I was worried it would make things worse.


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  • imagePrime:
    imageladyjenna13:

    imagePrime:

    My wife also got a home doppler the second time around.  She was able to borrow it from someone on the bump.  Although you can't really use it until about 10 weeks at the earliest, being able to hear the heartbeat really put her at ease.  You need to be careful with that because it can be hard to find early on.  If not being able to find it will drive you nuts then this is not a good option.

    My wife opted against a home doppler because she thought she would go crazy if the HB was not sounding strong enough, or if it was hard to find. She just didn't want to introduce another level of stress when she didn't have to.  Her last trimester she was in the dr. office getting stress tests on the fetus multiple times a week anyway, so they were all over that HB by that point.

    Nice technology, but our dr. told us that patients of her's who had home dopplers would always call the nurse when they could not find the HB, or if it was not as strong as they would like. For my wife, that was not worth it.  Too much added stress if the doppler was not doing what we want it to be doing.  Heck, at those weekly readings Jake would hide or not cooperate and their doppler would not pick up on the HB very well. 

    I was against the doppler for all those reasons.  That's why I mentioned you need to know for yourself how you'll handle it.  Turned out to be good for her, but I was worried it would make things worse.

    I hear ya.....

    Seems so long ago since those days.  I am always amazed how we got from those days to these days.  Being pregnant seems like such a long time ago after only 6 months!

    I remember wanting to get a home doppler....glad my wife was thinking that day.  I don't know if I could have handled it!!

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  • I'm very sorry for the loss you & your wife have suffered.  Sad

    I've had 3 losses so this is my 5th pregnancy and will (hopefully) be my 2nd child.  For me, the home doppler was a saving grace, as well as early ultrasounds and beta (quantitative hCG) testing.  However not all docs will just do these tests if a mom has "only" been through one loss (I put only in quotes because any loss is a huge loss, no matter if it's "only" been one) but some docs are compassionate & understanding enough to order these if a mother has a lot of anxiety about her pregnancy after a loss. 

    Also don't hesitate to call the doctor for anything you (or she) might be worried about.  Usually whatever it is, is nothing, so even when they tell you that whatever you're experiencing is no big deal, the confirmation/peace of mind is a huge relief. 

    Lastly, as for emotional support, just be sure and listen to your wife, comfort her, hold her etc.  If she's sharing her feelings of insecurity, fear, doubt etc tell her you understand, you love her etc.  Don't tell her to feel differently than she does.  I've had several people (my husband and friends) tell me to "force myself to think positively" and not only is it not comforting, it's also insulting to imply that a woman can control the emotions she has about a pregnancy after a loss.   The feelings are not voluntary, nor are they pleasant (being stuck in a world of worry & anxiety is agonizing) so if it was as simple as changing our mindset or forcing oneself to feel a certain way, obviously we would do it.

    Good luck, congrats and I hope that helps!!

    Mommy to
    Tyler (10/29/08)
    and Lily (4/21/13)

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  • We had a blighted ovum for our 1st pregnancy.  Our OB had ultrasounds done at 8 weeks, so nothing changed from the ultrasound standpoint.  My wife had no physical symptoms that showed anything was wrong with the blighted ovum, as her body was telling her she was pregnant, even though the ovum carried no embryo.

    8 weeks is about the earliest you'll get an ultrasound because often times before then, the embryo is so small you can't get much of a look at anything.

    Chances are, you'll have better luck getting betas than an earlier ultrasound by asking (unless the OB has a policy of doing earlier ones for moms who have lost a pregnancy).

    I can tell you to try to relax, but the fear will be there.  After we saw there was something in the ovum on time #2 the fear cut in half, and it went mostly away after the 1st trimester.

  • I'm writing this from my wife's account...

    My advice to you is not to get the early u/s. We got and early u/s at 6 1/2 wks with our 3rd pregnancy (after 2 early losses). We instantly regretted the early u/s, bc the dr didnt see anything & my wife was really freaked out for the next two weeks. Ultimately, at the 8 week appt the baby was there & healthy and now my wife is 21 wks pregnant. We opted not to get the doppler bc it would have just added to the anxiety if we couldnt find the hb. The dr's didnt do any hormone checks on my wife bc it wasn't hospital policy. At the time we considered asking for any and every test we could get, but for us it wouldve ended up being another test that brought alot of worry.

    BabyFetus Ticker
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    TTC Since Nov 2011
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  • Thank you for all the advice - I really do appreciate it.

    We talked (prior to getting pregnant the second time) about a home dopplar. But came to the realization that by the time we can hear anything on it we'd be past the 1st tri. So it probably wouldn't do us much good.

    I think the plan for now is to keep our initial date with the nurse midwife at 8w 5w. However, we sent her an email just asking what she might recommend in terms of an earlier ultrasound since last time she did not schedule one until week 12 for us - which is when we will be in Italy. So keeping to that schedule we would not be getting any positive reinforcement until we get back from Italy at week 14. We're hoping maybe we can get one scheduled for maybe week 10 or so, just to calm some nerves.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • my husband and i experienced a miscarriage as well, we had no symptoms and found out at the 12 wk u/s when the doc could not find a heartbeat.  With this second pregnancy it was of course very stressful but all i can suggest is that an early ultrasound probably will not be comforting especially if you guys m/c late in the trimester last time.  The first tri will be hard and stressful and if you guys have any concerns or questions call your doc, they are very understanding.  I had a scare where all my symptoms disappeared for a week so i thought for sure we were going through another but the doc ordered series HCG and when the first levels came back so high they said i didn't even need to get the second.  Take it day by day and just know there is nothing you did or can do to cause a miscarriage and it was neither of your fault.  Like my doc said it is just an error in the chromosomes or something happened when sperm met egg.  Good luck and know there are people out there (like us) that are having a successful 2 try so far.

  • female perspective here: as someone who m/c.  let her do what she wants.  if she wants a hormone level check, and ultrasound...whatever let her do it.  but also try and make sure shes not going overboard by getting an ultrasound every week.

    after i m/c when i got pg again I did the hormone level, and had a 10 week ultrasound (I had m m/c at 10 weeks).  even after seeing the baby move, and hearing the heart beat- both of us were on edge.  Especially me.   I am not sure when H felt comfortable with the pg (actually I don't think he did until after the baby was born!) but I didn't until we had the 20 week ultrasound.  then I felt I could breathe a bit easier and start shopping/buying things for baby.  Though H was still telling me to wait a few more months (ie.e hed rather we waited till baby was born to paint the room!)

    hope this helps, but from a lot of people i talked to that had a m/c themselves they ended up going on to have healthy babies after.  good luck and hope it works out for you. 

  • So we talked it through with our awesome nurse midwife. We're doing an early ultrasound next Friday at 7w6d, and then will follow up at our first prenatal at 8w5d.

    We'll do one more ultrasound in week 11 before we leave for Italy with a follow up apt when we get back in week 14. Hopefully at both those appointments we can hear a heartbeat.

    Thank you for all the advice!

    BabyFruit Ticker
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