Got my calendar-feeling ambivalent

happywifemomofone

Well-we finally have dates.  My donor starts stims on 3/22 with and expected ER between 4/2-4/4.  To be quite honest, I'm feeling ambivalent about all things fertility related.  I have watched too many ladies not have success with DE and I see myself as no different.  This will be the last time that we cycle.  We will have whatever embryos we are able to create with our donor.  It's not fair that I don't seem to be capable of being excited about this whole thing.  I'm scared to death of having a chemical and having to spend time in Beta Hell.  How do I erase all that we've been through so that I can enjoy the journey?  My home board of TTC >35 is all full of sad news today, everyone of those ladies deserves a BFP.  I'm afraid that I will feel guilty and sad if DE final works and brings us the baby that we have been trying for for years.  Would be happy to entertain any ways to bring back the excitement and possibility that this might be able to happen for us.

Did you ladies freeze sperm before your DE cycle?  We were planning to, but found out today that it's no longer $150 to do so, but is now $300?  Do you think it's worth it.

BabyVDM

Happy Wife - I don't know how to bring help you feel anything different about the DE process.  For me, I tried to focus on the success stories and I have just taken it one small step at a time and tried to stay hopeful.  I was pleasantly surprised each time we passed a hurdle and moved on to the next step.  I let DH worry about the numbers and the stats and he has been very good to keep it mostly to himself.

We are at the same clinic as Petra.  DH also had to fly down and they collected DH sperm at the time of SA and froze it until until they were ready to make the embryos.  It was worth it to us, not only because it was one less flight for DH but also, we knew well in advance that his frozen boys looked good and that they were ready when we needed them to be.  It was one less thing to worry about.

I don't know whether any of that helps but I hope it does. I'm wishing you all the best

AmCheri

I wish I knew how to erase all that you've been through so that you could start off this cycle feeling optimistic.  But I don't know how to do it.  It stinks and it's unfair, but this process changes you.  It becomes a part of who you are, for better and worse.  I would try if you can not to impose expectations on yourself.  You don't have to feel any particular way.  You can be sad, nervous, ambivalent, etc.  I don't believe for one second that being positive affects outcome.  If it did, speaking only for myself, I wouldn't be here.  So just take it a day at a time like everything else and get through it. You can do it.  

Can't help with freezing sperm.  We never considered it.

Hugs and good luck. 

happywifemomofone

Thanks ladies, I needed the reminders to take things one day at a time-and whatever I'm feeling is ok to feel ambivalent.  Sometimes I wish that we could go back in time and have moved past cycling with our OE earlier.  I'm taking a big breath this morning-and moving forward with one foot in front of the other.  Expecting to hear back from Pharmacy about medications costs for me and donor today.  Thanks for your support.

liz4paws

I didn't go through a DE cycle, but I understand your ambivalence. After having so many failures, and watching others endure serious disappointments after such high hopes, I don't know how it would be possible to continue to feel giddy excited every single time. I think it's normal. Hang in there and I wish you the very best. *hug*

BeckyP005

This is what you have been waiting for what seems like forever and I am so sorry you are not feeling excited about it but I can see why you have so many mixed emotions right now. Hugs.

I wish you nothing but the best on this cycle girl. No advice since I'm like a newbie when it comes to cycling...lol. You know our board will send you EVERY positive vibe we have in us to you when the time comes!! I wish this all could be easier for you and others.

stinkerbell6879

(((HUGS))) No advice, but I think once things are moving along you might get those hopeful moments that you need.

MrsT4

All I can say is what you're feeling is totally normal....((hugs)).

I think most of us have been through this rollercoaster of emotions and honestly, I don't know if it ever gets easier.  I know for myself, I had much higher hopes and expectations for my DE cycle...vs. my own eggs....but self-preservation kicks in, along with the doubts...but again, it's totally normal.