Spanking

missmolly511

My DH is super against spanking. He's been pretty clear on that since the beginning. I think it has its place (I was spanked occasionally and am definitely not traumatized by it) but I am respecting his wishes and we agreed to be non-spanking parents. However, my sweet little DD is turning into a nightmare child. Basically she's being a toddler, but I am at the end of my rope this week and there have been more than a few times I've thought a spanking would set her straight. Also all this is going on at times when she's not hungry/tired/sick, just angry. Sitting in time out doesn't help, and when I came to DH with "Your daughter is driving me BSC, if you don't want us to spank her what do you suggest we do?" he had no ideas other than continue to be broken records that she obviously just ignores.

If you don't spank, how do you discipline your kids when they're being just plain bad?

tarebear9891

It's a phase every kid goes through, spanked or not. Toddlers all go through phases of acting like a possessed crazy person.

We are very anti spanking. We have just had set rules and consistent consequences. You will feel like a broken record for awhile but eventually it will get better. Toddlers need to be taught how to act, they are basically little cave people.

We are big fans of natural consequences. For example, you don't clean up your toys they go to toy timeout for the day. You hit and yell I won't play anymore. Around 2.5 time outs became more effective.

FairyDuster003

I was a daycare teacher in the toddler room and let me tell you that omg the kids who got spanked at home were by far the most dramatic and angry children in my class.

NativeFloridian

tarebear9891:

It's a phase every kid goes through, spanked or not. Toddlers all go through phases of acting like a possessed crazy person. We are very anti spanking. We have just had set rules and consistent consequences. You will feel like a broken record for awhile but eventually it will get better. Toddlers need to be taught how to act, they are basically little cave people. We are big fans of natural consequences. For example, you don't clean up your toys they go to toy timeout for the day. You hit and yell I won't play anymore. Around 2.5 time outs became more effective.

Pretty much all of this.

DD1 is pushing 6 and she still acts like a nutjob sometimes.  Kids just will.  But in DD1's case, she's pretty darn well-behaved for a kid her age and spanking (which I have tried in the past) simply does not work as well as logical and consistent consequences, and I now know for certain that I will never use spanking as a punishment again.  It is ultimately ineffective.

For my Toddler Tornado, nine times out of ten she is practically begging for a nap when she's being bad-bad.  But when she's not tired I usually stick her in the playpen, like it or not, for a couple of minutes while I undo her destruction, then I'll take her out and distract her with something else until she forgets about doing whatever it was she was so hell-bent on before.

I say it all the time to anyone who asks for advice on toddlers, but it's a lot of work, patience, repetition, and tearing out of hair (your own, not your kids', lol).  They will push their boundaries a hundred-thousand times and then push them a hundred-thousand more.  It's 100% natural and healthy, actually, but it's the parents' job to consistently remind them that, yes, boundaries do still exist.

blowfish11

tarebear9891:

It's a phase every kid goes through, spanked or not. Toddlers all go through phases of acting like a possessed crazy person. We are very anti spanking. We have just had set rules and consistent consequences. You will feel like a broken record for awhile but eventually it will get better. Toddlers need to be taught how to act, they are basically little cave people. We are big fans of natural consequences. For example, you don't clean up your toys they go to toy timeout for the day. You hit and yell I won't play anymore. Around 2.5 time outs became more effective.

This exactly.

I'd like to say that I'm 100% anti-spanking, but there have been a few times where my older children have needed a quick swat on the bottom. And it's never been out of anger, more of a "Hey, I'm talking to you" attention grabber.

For the most part, we also do natural consequences and time outs. Toddlerhood doesn't last forever. The angry tantrum throwing stage sucks, but it doesn't last long IME. 

nanabanana06

DH is very firm in the spanking camp, I am not. So what works for me is appropriate consequences, time outs, extinction, and trying to draw her attention elsewhere. Like she used to get in my way and throw tantrums when I did things in the kitchen. Now if I'm doing dishes her job is to help put the silverware and her cups, plates, and bowls in the dishwasher. She loves it. If I'm cooking or baking I give her a spoon, bowl, ect and she cooks with me.

When she does something naughty we do timeout in a corner. It works best for us to leave the room and count to 60 before returning and explaining what she did wrong. If she is about to do something naughty then we try to give he a choice. Do the naughty thing or lose something. Like if she doesn't eat dinner then no dessert or if she messes with the pantry no applesauce. We still do a lot of yelling, ect. However, we have a very hyper kid and this works for us.

Abinormal

FairyDuster003:

I was a daycare teacher in the toddler room and let me tell you that omg the kids who got spanked at home were by far the most dramatic and angry children in my class.

How do you know this to be true?

Spanking is a last resort in my house and really doesn't happen very often. My daughter responds well to time outs, natural consequences, redirection and if those all fail, I try a raised angry voice. However, there have been a couple of situations where she's gotten a pop on the hand or a swat on the leg for a particular behavior.

My daughter's teacher will tell you that she is the most well behaved child in her class, as well as, the most verbal and easy going. She's affectionate towards the other children and has only pushed another child once and that, by her teacher's words, was in self defense. 

ETA: I am a teacher and work in a school in a small southern town. Many of my fellow teacher friends have used spankings with disciplining their children. They use them in a very similar fashion to what I've described as above. Basically as a last resort that will most definitely get their child's attention. The teacher kids in our school are, by far, the most well behaved kids.

All behaviors are done to get attention. Bad behaviors should warrant negative attention. Time outs, consequences, spankings, etc. Good behaviors should warrant positive attention. The key here is paying attention to your child. The worst behaved kids in our school are the ones whose parents could care less what they are or are not doing at any given moment. They will do ANYTHING for any type of attention and are generally angry 90% of the time. 

MommyKayla11

Time out. Toddlers do this, eventually this stage ends.

acaudill75

This is going to sound crazy, but ... We took the girls to the circus about a month ago, and ever since then, whenever DD1 acts up, we say we are going to call Mr. Elephant. For some reason, she thinks he is going to poop on her, and she instantly stops what she is doing. So as long as it works, we are going to continue to threaten Mr. Elephant. I think it is a trigger word for her that we mean business. DH even has his iPhone make elephant noises like he is actually on the phone with him. I think you have to find a way to let LO know that what they are doing is unacceptable and not going to be tolerated. Sometimes, discipline is words and sometimes it is a "controlled" swat on the butt. Hopefully, LO responds to the words, so you don't have to spank.

lindsay.lou

acaudill75:

This is going to sound crazy, but ... We took the girls to the circus about a month ago, and ever since then, whenever DD1 acts up, we say we are going to call Mr. Elephant. For some reason, she thinks he is going to poop on her, and she instantly stops what she is doing. So as long as it works, we are going to continue to threaten Mr. Elephant. I think it is a trigger word for her that we mean business. DH even has his iPhone make elephant noises like he is actually on the phone with him.

This is the best. Ever.

monkiem

Abinormal:

FairyDuster003:

I was a daycare teacher in the toddler room and let me tell you that omg the kids who got spanked at home were by far the most dramatic and angry children in my class.

How do you know this to be true?

Spanking is a last resort in my house and really doesn't happen very often. My daughter responds well to time outs, natural consequences, redirection and if those all fail, I try a raised angry voice. However, there have been a couple of situations where she's gotten a pop on the hand or a swat on the leg for a particular behavior.

My daughter's teacher will tell you that she is the most well behaved child in her class, as well as, the most verbal and easy going. She's affectionate towards the other children and has only pushed another child once and that, by her teacher's words, was in self defense. 

ETA: I am a teacher and work in a school in a small southern town. Many of my fellow teacher friends have used spankings with disciplining their children. They use them in a very similar fashion to what I've described as above. Basically as a last resort that will most definitely get their child's attention. The teacher kids in our school are, by far, the most well behaved kids.

All behaviors are done to get attention. Bad behaviors should warrant negative attention. Time outs, consequences, spankings, etc. Good behaviors should warrant positive attention. The key here is paying attention to your child. The worst behaved kids in our school are the ones whose parents could care less what they are or are not doing at any given moment. They will do ANYTHING for any type of attention and are generally angry 90% of the time. 

I very much agree with this.  All of the points. 

 

Jillibean85

We do time-outs, we take toys away, I have spanked her before... Now I just count and she stops. If she doesn't stop by 3 then usually time-out... If she repeats the offense I'll swat her butt. We were spanked in our family growing up, we weren't fearful of our parents or anything. None of us got into drugs, went to jail, needed therapy for it, etc.. We were good kids and students. So you just do what works for your kid.. 

missmolly511

Thanks everyone!

Right now we do a lot of natural/logical consequences, ie if you throw your lollipop on the ground, no more lollipop.

Can't figure out how to quote, but to the PP who asked what I meant by "just plain bad" I mean kicking, screaming, throwing herself to the ground, hitting, throwing things, plain old ignoring me when I tell her "No" or "stop," etc. And I most certainly "claim" her, its just a little joke DH and I have when she's being bad- we blame it on each other's genes and say "your daughter" lol, but I definitely don't say it in front of her! Geez the drama people love to create here...

I also threaten with "If you don't stop ___, we won't go to the park!" which sometimes works, but not after we've already been to the park for the day, and some days not at all.

shakes

Yeah, that's all normal toddler behaviour. No reason to spank for any of that IMO.

PayolaCrayola

missmolly511:

Thanks everyone!

Right now we do a lot of natural/logical consequences, ie if you throw your lollipop on the ground, no more lollipop.

Can't figure out how to quote, but to the PP who asked what I meant by "just plain bad" I mean kicking, screaming, throwing herself to the ground, hitting, throwing things, plain old ignoring me when I tell her "No" or "stop," etc. And I most certainly "claim" her, its just a little joke DH and I have when she's being bad- we blame it on each other's genes and say "your daughter" lol, but I definitely don't say it in front of her! Geez the drama people love to create here...

I also threaten with "If you don't stop ___, we won't go to the park!" which sometimes works, but not after we've already been to the park for the day, and some days not at all.

We say that too lol How old is she? My dd is 21mo and we are having a rough time with her as of late. I am like your DH tho and you are like my DH. I dont believe in spanking a baby....which is what she still is to me. Mainly because she doesnt understand why your swatting her and like I tell my DH "it only helps YOU feel better because you released your frustration" I grew up being more than spanked though so I am very cautious of that and I am trying various things to try and get thru to her. She is very stubborn tho and a lot of times I just have to walk away and take a breath. I also repeat in my head "she is a toddler. its normal. it wont last forever" and that helps. GL!

 

missmolly511

She's also 21 months! She went from the little angel who put her toys away and slept from 8-8 to this terror who abuses me and screams for two hours at bedtime! I guess she's starting her terrible two's a little early.

I don't believe that spanking is to relieve frustration on my part, though, I see it as a last resort to get their attention that you mean business.

RissKay

FairyDuster003:

I was a daycare teacher in the toddler room and let me tell you that omg the kids who got spanked at home were by far the most dramatic and angry children in my class.

Oh great. You're back....

I've honestly never known a child to be more angry because of having been spanked. I was spanked and wasn't an angry child, and neither are my sisters, cousins, niece and nephews... etc.

Toddlers are dramatic.  

RissKay

missmolly511:

I don't believe that spanking is to relieve frustration on my part, though, I see it as a last resort to get their attention that you mean business.

This is how spanking was done in my house growing up:

You did something wrong and mom or dad caught you (usually mom cause she was a SAHM.)

Go to mom and dad's bedroom and sit on the bed.

10-15 minutes later, mom would come in to the room and talk to us, explain to us why what we did was wrong and what we should've done instead.

She got the paddle out, we turned around on the bed and she'd spank us.

She'd hug us, tell us she loved us, and that was it.

Never out of anger at all, ever. Also, this was done after we'd been told several times to not do a specific thing, like pulling hair or hitting. We didn't get spanked for the first time of doing something wrong, and we totally knew we deserved a spanking when we got them.

I don't think spanking should be used as a means of "getting attention" of someone doing something wrong. I think it probably would increase the craziness in the heat of the moment, actually. For this, I'd suggest a area of the house where your child doesn't have toys and can't break anything (themselves included!) and is taken there when they get out of hand.

I realize that I have a baby and haven't gone through the toddler stage yet, however, I'm just giving how it was for me growing up, and what I've taken from those experiences.  

BrittKav

I don't think you should spank a toddler because she's driving you BSC. It's normal behavior. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be addressed, but I don't think spanking is a good option.

Neither DH or I spank, but the girls are much more well-behaved (in general) with me than they are with DH. I believe it's because I'm firm, consistent, don't make empty threats, and don't bargain/bribe. If you follow through with these "rules", boundaries will be laid out and the child will eventually "get it". For example, DH will often say something like "put your pajamas on" to DD1 and she will just run around and ignore him. Then he'll say "You can have a cracker before bed if you come here and get your pajamas on". Then she'll do it, but she has learned to expect a prize for acting up and not listening the first time. With me, she does things when I ask her to because she knows I'm not going to bribe her. 

When she's just being crazy for no apparent reason, we'll have her go sit in her room while she calms down. She doesn't like it, but we make it clear that she's not in trouble, she just needs to calm down by herself before she can play with the rest of us.

PygmyPuff7

missmolly511:

She's also 21 months! She went from the little angel who put her toys away and slept from 8-8 to this terror who abuses me and screams for two hours at bedtime! I guess she's starting her terrible two's a little early.

I don't believe that spanking is to relieve frustration on my part, though, I see it as a last resort to get their attention that you mean business.

Now seeing how how she is I'm not surprised time outs don't work and that she's suddenly changed.  I also am going to say that spanking will probably not work either especially at this age.

Mine is 2 and 1/2 and time outs are still kind of ify.  Lost of positive and negative reinforcement.  If she's hitting she probably wants your attention.  More than you're giving her.  Take a look at what YOU are doing before these times and see if you can adjust anything.  Mine will start throwing his toys and not listening to anything we say etc. etc. and basically if we were to engage him in a task (i.e. throw a ball to one another) his behavior changes 100%.

Tantrums are a different story.  If my kid sits nice and cooperates during the diaper change then he can get a treat.  Stuff like that.  Or take it the other way.  If his favorite show is on TV and he won't listen to my direction then the TV gets turned off until what I want gets done.

Unfortunately I just thing your LO is a bit young to grasp a lot of the concepts and is just coming into her own so is going to test all of the waters.  GL