Blended Families

How to tell SKs we're pregnant?

I have been with DH 7yrs8mo but only married 7mo. I am 6w5d. SD is 12 and SS is 8. They live with BM but spend 25 percent of their time with us per court ordered parenting plan and we always attend extracirricular activities. We have good relationships with them but are worried about how they will react to the news. In the past they have both said they don't want us to have a child together. We have told them nothing would change our current relationship with them and we will still love them and be there for them just as much as before baby. How have other people told their SKs and what reaction did you get?

Re: How to tell SKs we're pregnant?

  • We have ss 13 and sd 10 full time. They were both excited. I think straightforward is best and then include them as much as possible in getting ready for baby.
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  • I think it's important to find out why the kids have reservations with you and DH having a LO together. Is it because they are afraid their sibling will replace them? DH should pinpoint what exactly their issue is and make a conscious effort to show them that won't be a problem (i.e. spending lots of one on one time with them.)
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  • I'm a firm believer in that if you fuss and show your worry,kids can potentially run with it and use it to play you.

    Express your concern when you tell them but I think rather than acting worried about their reaction - you calmly tell them "I know you've expressed your concern before about our having a nother child, so I think it might be a good idea that we talk about that a little bit."  And then discuss it.  

    Wipe the stress and worry from your face and let them know that it changes nothing, that if they ever have concerns, all they  have to do is talk to one of you about it and as a famiy, you'll all get thru the tough stuff.

    And then check back in with them thru the course of the pregnancy and after the baby is born.

    Your husband by the way should be the one to assure them the most.  That's their father. They are going to count on him not letting them fall by the way side so maybe he should do things with just them or just them individually to make them see he has not forgotten them would help. You too. Maybe occassionally you can do something with just them. Leave the baby with dad.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • I wouldn't bring up their past concerns. The time to address those was when they were initially expressed - which it sounds like you did. Include them as much as you're comfortable in the pregnancy. Let them toss out baby names (but keep final veto power). Tell them you're so happy that LO will have a big sister who (insert SD's strength) and a big bro who (insert SS's strength). Make sure that you keep attending extracurricular activities, as much as you can.

    If they bring up concerns about the baby replacing them, deal with them then. IMO, bringing up past concerns, will turn telling them into more drama. "Hey, skids, remember how you said you didn't want us to have a baby....well guess what? We are!" I know that you wouldn't tell them like that, but that's what they'll hear (and remember). 

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  • Thanks for the advice, I'm sure it will all be okay in the end, just nervous because I've never been through this before.
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