I need your sage advice

pb_bride

I feel like my marriage is getting rocky lately, and I don't know how to fix it.  DH is a wonderful guy but he feels "useless" (his words) when it comes to helping me out with M.  I feel exhausted and occasionally resentful.

Part of the problem recently is that M still wakes up 2x/night to nurse - between 1-2am and between 5-6am.  No matter what time we put him to bed, be it 8p or 9p or 10p, he seems to always wake up between 1-2am.  And then he'll wake up ~ 4 hours after that, so 5-6am.

I try to go to bed by 9:30 or 10pm, but then I only get a 3-hr block of sleep before he wakes up.  After putting him back to bed, I am unable to fall back to sleep for at least an hour.  Every night.  So I get maybe 2 hours max when M wakes up again at 5am.  By the time I put him back down, it's close to 6am, and I sleep for an hour before DH's alarm clock wakes me up at 7am.  I go back to sleep and M will wake up for the day by 8am.  So basically every night I get 3 hours, then 2 hours, then 1 hour and perhaps another 1 hour. It adds up to 7 hours of sleep but of very poor quality as it's all chopped up.

DH always gets up for the 1am feed, to bring M over to me.  But he sleeps through the 5am feed, so he is getting 5-6 hours of continuously sleep.

When DH wakes up at 7am, he goes downstairs eats breakfast/makes his lunch, then comes up, showers, gets dressed for work, says HI to M if M is awake, then leaves by 9am.  He doesn't come home until 7pm. We'll eat dinner and he plays with M for half an hour and then we put M to bed.

I feel like I'm working 24 hours a day and don't get a break.  But since I'm EBF, I don't know what MH can do to help.  On weekends, MH will play with M when he's awake so I can do other stuff.  I usually end up cooking or doing laundry or cleaning so it doesn't feel like a break to me.  It seems like we don't do anything "fun" anymore.  I have always been the social activity planner before M was born, so DH doesn't know how to plan anything.  

I know MH appreciates all the things I do, he tells me so often.  But he's never the kind to get me a card, or flowers, or a gift, or cook me dinner.  It would be nice if he makes some extra effort to show his appreciation instead of just saying it, KWIM?  OTOH, MH goes directly from home to work, then from work to home, so it's not like he has extra time on his hands to go buy me stuff (and he works at a university campus, far away from your usual malls or shops). 

I assume some or many of you have gone through difficult times in your marriage when your LO was young?  How did you deal with it? 

4legsRbest

It is so pedestrian to say but I am going to say it anyway, this too shall pass. Having an infant is hard. It is so so hard. Anyone who manage such a little one with great finess and says it is easy is full of donkey poop. It is hard on every aspect of your life. Your body, your mind, your relationship, your money and the like.

Your schedule sounds eerily like mine. My LO even hates bottles so DH can only do so much with him in that regard. We aren't the flower/present/candy type either but I really try and include DH every day. I send him pics of the Mups being cute and he calls to check on us a few times a day. So far it is working - but there are days I just want to sit in my closet and cry...

Again, it is so so so hard and what you are going through it totally normal. As long as you guys keep the communication open, you will come out stronger on the other side. I always remind my DH there will come a day when the Mups no longer wants/needs me - he will be all daddy's little boy running to the hardware store, going fishing, working on cars, talking about stuff they leave in the dark on. His day will come. Remind him of that and hug and kiss a lot - it won't last forever!

Huge hugs to you momma, you are doing a spectacular job!

LnR70707

I wish I had some awesome advice for you, but unluckily I think sleep-wise it is just a time thing.  We had to supplement with DS, but I still had to pump every 3 hrs, so the 1st 2 months I'd go to bed around 10, get about 2 hrs of sleep before getting up to pump after DH put DS down after his 11/midnight feeding and then it would be all me until 6am, when DH would take over again, but I'd still have to pump at 6 and 9am.  I never got more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep until DS dropping a feeding around 3 months.

Even though DH helped as much as he could, there was still a lot of resentment because he'd get to go out with friends occasionally or go away for a weekend and I rarely did (I have still never been apart from DS overnight, vacation next month will be the first time).   Looking back I think I actually had some mild form of PPD, just toward DH, because it was so rough.  Once I weaned it was like some magical weight had been lifted, even though pumping was easy at that point.   Hang in there...better sleep will come.

CallMeAl

Oh PB. I'm sorry, lady. Here's the thing. This first year of having a child is going to be REALLY hard. It's hard on every marriage. And right around the 3 month point is when the sleep deprivation and the reality of what parenthood means start to hit hard.

My only advice is that you need to be a really good communicator, and be your own advocate. Tell your DH you are feeling weary and underappreciated. Come up with 2 or 3 things that he could help you with. Could he do a load of laundry each day? Could it be his job to unload the dishwasher?

Something that really helped when DH and I hit this hard point is that after DD went to bed, I spent 30 min spending "nice" time with DH (watch a TV show you both like, talk about your day, snuggle on the couch). Then take 30 min for yourself (read a book, write in a journal, take a bath, have a glass of wine).

You will get through this. No one can prepare you for how hard adjusting to parenthood is. Big internet HUGS!

Dragonfly1226

This is what worked for us... Pumping! I would take the first night feeding solo and dh would sleep through it. Then DH would give DS a bottle of pumped milk for the second feeding and I would sleep through it. When I woke up for the day I would pump. I always pumped more than we needed so I started to build a freezer stash in addition to getting the milk for the second night feeding. DS had jaundice so I had to pump and supplement feedings with a bottle from the time he was two days old. We never ever had any problems with introducing a bottle in addition to BFing. I EBFed for a year. As for the feeling that you are working 24-7 without a break... I still get that feeling and DS is two. That does get a ton easier as LO gets older. (((((hugs)))))

ELF4321

You described the first five months of parenthood exactly.  Down to the schedule of YH getting home just in time to give you a 30 minute break, the insominia after a MOTN wakeup, etc.  It sucks, but it is totally normal. 

Communication is key -- talk to YH about your concerns, make sure you both understand that, while your marriage almost has to be "on hold" for a little while, you will have more time to spend together when your LO is a few months older and can sleep better without needing to eat so often.

We did sleep training and weaned DD off her MOTN feedings just past 5 months, and although it took a few weeks, it makes things so much better when you can get a little sleep, then learn to spend more time together again.  For us, we started with 10 minutes of "cuddle time" each night after DD is in bed, before MH goes downstairs to his office to work.  It sounds stupid, but just taking those few minutes to snuggle with each other without interruptions, talking or even just sitting or lying there together, has helped us re-establish our connection.  We now also set Saturday night as date night.  Even if we don't get a sitter and go out, after DD is in bed we cook together or get takeout and watch a movie.  Cell phones and computers are turned off, we don't answer the phone, etc.  Just us for the evening. 

All I can say for now is, hang in there!  It will be better in a few months.  Just keep talking to each other for now and acknowledging that, although things suck right now, it won't be like this forever.

Saraevh

I have been there and I PROMISE you it will get better when M starts sleeping through the night.

IBackBevo

IMO, I think most of the problems are probably related to a lack of sleep.  I think that a lack of sleep (or good sleep) affects mood and just makes you feel horrible about everything...especially when you are talking about prolonged periods of time without a good night's sleep.

Have you thought about pumping and making your DH get up for one of the feedings?  If he did the first feeding with milk you had pumped during the day, then you could at least sleep from about 10 to 5 or 6 when your LO gets up for the second feeding.

yodasmistress

My H and I literally almost got divorced in the months after DS was born. Everything was exactly as you describe. It got better with time. And sex. As our relationship got shittier so too did our sex life. Which was NBD to me since being a milk factory killed my libido but it made him cranky. And, don't get me wrong, it still irritated me that, on top of meeting the physical demands of the child, I had to meet HIS physical needs too. But. It just is what it is. And it does get better.

I did not pump to bottle feed because I was already nursing around the clock so there wasn't really an option unless I got up to pump while he fed, which seemed pointless.

Mrs.AmyDylan

No real advice since I'm behind you in terms of LOs age. I have a few ideas of stuff I'm planning to try for my sanity, so I'll share along with a huge hug. 

In no particular order and some I've been trying, others are untested ideas

-Leave the house for 30min-1hr right after you feed and your DH will learn how to sooth and interact with LO.   

- join a moms group and get out so I'm having fun in my day, not just hanging at home bf and trying to get stuff done. (doing this at the birthing center where J was born)

- walking. The weather is nice here, so J and I walk the pooch every morning so our little terrier doesn't feel unloved and naughty. The sun and fresh air help sanity.

- dream feeding. I've done some research, but I haven't had the guts to try yet. It s supposed to extend the night sleeping.

- working out. This is somewhat easy for me since I'm back at work at the health club for my classes (just 4x 1 hour class per week). DH has to watch J. Now tht I had my 6w pp check, I've been getting in to swim with my class. I have to be there for my job,  so it is easy get the workout in also. My gym also has cheap child care ($5-6/hr). Lots of moms use it for a workout, shower and lunch. I'm planning to do this more when J is a bit older. 

- guest room love nest. DH is too anxious to do anything in our room with J in there. However, we are having some technical difficulties which necessitate a dedicated post. 

- he needs to cook. Even if it is something simple like soup from a can, it can't always be you. DH made me boiled hot dogs for valentines last night. Ironically, he can cook quite well, but there was no food in the house. 

Tell him what you need. Find places that are child friendly and just get out and go as a family. More hugs...yes this is hard, but so much harder if you are feeling lonely and disconnected.  

pb_bride

Thank you for all your replies. It is good to know that you all have been through this and it will get better.  M is a very happy baby these days so that helps me get through the day.

I feel better already after venting it out here.  I also spoke w/DH on the phone and told him that he is not "useless" (I know he feels horrible too when he sees me cry); we just need to work it out somehow.  

He also mentioned about me pumping so he can do one night feeding.  But to me it seems more work, esp given that M sleeps in our bedroom so I'm going to wake up anyway.  Plus if he doesn't nurse, I'll have to pump cuz I leak almost every night.

I'm going to go to bed earlier cuz I feel better when I get more sleep.  M used to sleep from 8:30p to 3'ish am; then we had wonder week followed by 3 mo growth spurt, and he hasn't slept such long stretches since.  I'm hoping that he will gradually sleep longer stretches again.

I've decided that we are going to the Aquarium in 2 weeks' time for DH birthday.  Even if M fusses and cries there, no one is going to mind. I just feel like we need to do something fun outside of the house as a family, instead of just staying home and doing chores around the house.

RoseHQ12

I am glad you talked with your DH & that you are feeling a little bit better now. We have all been there, but like pp's said it will get better when your LO is sleeping for longer stretches & you can get some good sleep too. Being a mom is hard even when your LO is STTN but at least you are better equipped to deal with it all when you are well rested yourself.

TJ1979

I remember posting something very similar around that age. It's so hard! Huge hugs pb. That's about the time the sleep deprivation really sets in. I agree that pumping MOTN is harder than nursing. M should start sleeping better soon and that will make a world of difference. Have you considered side lying nursing for one of those feeds? I being E to bed with me the last MOTN feed and we nurse and nap on bed. It helps, and can be safe if you set things up properly. What also helped me was on weekends, MH would take E after I fed her in the morning and let me sleep in for another hour or two.
You will get through this. It gets better, I promise. Hugs in the mean time.

IBackBevo

If you are worried about waking up, I would try ear plugs.  It works.  I am a super light sleeper and they work well.  LO sleeps in a room off of our room (a sitting room off the master) and when he does wake up (on rare occassions), DH gets up with him.