STM+: DH doesn't think he needs to watch kids

emdella

Let me start by saying, that my DH loves on the kiddos when he's home, giving them plenty of affection.  Doesn't mind rocking or burping our new little one.  He doesn't particularly care for bath time, but ah, no big deal.  When we had our first, he watched him on his days off and never said anything or complained.  Now that our second is here, all of a sudden he has mentioned multiple times that he doesn't want to watch them on his days off.  He wants to send them to daycare.  I really don't know if he's playing, but even when I share my disgust about it, he doesn't back peddle at all. The only reasoning he gives me is that he works hard and wants to "enjoy" his days off, which I assume is lay around and sleep.

Let me add this, we both work in the restaurant industry, working 50-55 hours a week and earn the same exact salary.   Our days off typically fall M-F.

I feel like he's being such a hypocrit...we're currently disagreeing on putting our 23 month old son in his own room by himself to go to bed. I think he's more than capable of falling asleep by himself, where my husband wants to snuggle him to "know he's safe."  If that's true, wouldn't he want to spend time with him as much as possible during the day too, to ensure he's safe?

Our care is $70 a day for the 2...so 2 days a week...a month is $560 for him to "enjoy" his days off.   

I think a fair compromise is one or two days a month...not every day off.  

Please share your opinion or experience.  If you ask your DH too, please feel free to share his opinion too. 

g8trkim

While I understand where you're coming from, I can see his point too. I think a fair compromise would be meeting in the middle. Ex. if he has 2 days off a week send the kids to daycare one of them. DH and I have actually talked about this recently, because I work M-F regular shifts but he works a biweekly schedule that is every other weekend with either 2 or 3 weekdays off. So we decided on his longer weeks we will send the kids to daycare on one of his off days so that he can have a day to himself, more so to run errands, schedule appts, etc.

jobiann

I think there can be a compromise, like could he watch them for half the day or just X many days a month. DH wants me to send DS to daycare Monday even though I'm off and I hate to do so, mostly because I'm cheap and hate to pay her but also because I miss seeing my baby during the day. So we agreed he will drop DS off in the morning on his way to work and I'll go pick him up around 1pm or so. Course we are lucky our daycare is very flexible and doesn't mind half days or last minute days off. 

Most of all you both need to work on your communication, you are a team, and need to figure out how to make decisions together. DH and I always discuss decisions, sometimes we agree to go his way and others my way. It's all about picking your battles. 

kleigh926

I guess I can see where he's coming from, but at the same time, being a parent is a 24/7 job. IMO, parenting doesn't really come with "days off." As a BF'ing mom, I don't ever get days off. DH and I are both extremely frugal, so $560 a month wouldn't even be a conversation for us- he'd be watching the kids on his days off, no questions asked.

I agree that a compromise is in order- a couple days a month, the kids can go to day care so he can be home alone. His other days off, he should watch them. 

LaurelBee

If you guys can afford a couple days a month extra on daycare then I'd be willing to compromise. Or maybe you can put your older LO in a parents day out program where they go to half day "preschool." But if that money would be better used elsewhere, then I would tell him to suck it up and be a dad. 

What about your days off?? Would you want some free time too or do you enjoy spending your days off with your kids?? Its only fair you get the same opportunity to have a day to yourself too. 

ASmallWonder

amy052006:

Um, almost the entire work force has two days off a week and does not send their kids to daycare.  It's called the weekend.

When exactly does he plan to see these kids?

 

This.  I am ALL ABOUT sending kids to daycare to enjoy an occasional day to yourself.  I think people need that but people who work M-F don't send their kids to daycare on the weekend.

jo4janet

elmoali:

amy052006:

Um, almost the entire work force has two days off a week and does not send their kids to daycare.  It's called the weekend.

When exactly does he plan to see these kids?

 

This.  I am ALL ABOUT sending kids to daycare to enjoy an occasional day to yourself.  I think people need that but people who work M-F don't send their kids to daycare on the weekend.

Very true, but I will admit that sometimes when I have days off during the week, I wlll still send DD to daycare. I am currently on maternity leave and DD1 still goes to daycare while I am at home with the baby. Maybe, like another poster stated, you can send the older child to a preschool. If my DH was home alone with both children, I know he might lose his mind because it can be very challenging, but he can handle one or the other for hours, if need be. You should also try and get a day off for yourself and do something so that you don't feel that it is only him getting time to himself.

ASmallWonder

jo4janet:

elmoali:

amy052006:

Um, almost the entire work force has two days off a week and does not send their kids to daycare.  It's called the weekend.

When exactly does he plan to see these kids?

 

This.  I am ALL ABOUT sending kids to daycare to enjoy an occasional day to yourself.  I think people need that but people who work M-F don't send their kids to daycare on the weekend.

Very true, but I will admit that sometimes when I have days off during the week, I wlll still send DD to daycare. I am currently on maternity leave and DD1 still goes to daycare while I am at home with the baby. Maybe, like another poster stated, you can send the older child to a preschool. If my DH was home alone with both children, I know he might lose his mind because it can be very challenging, but he can handle one or the other for hours, if need be. You should also try and get a day off for yourself and do something so that you don't feel that it is only him getting time to himself.

DS1 will be going to daycare while I'm on maternity leave for DS2.  But there are reasons for that.  I need/want time to bond with DS2 and DS1 adores his daycare.  I also have to pay whether he goes or not.  After the first few weeks I plan to keep him home some of the time after I get my bearings.  But that's not at all the same as feeling like your days off are days off from life and all your responsibilities so I don't feel like he should feel entitled to two days "off" as the norm every single weeks. 

mben1119

elmoali:

jo4janet:

elmoali:

amy052006:

Um, almost the entire work force has two days off a week and does not send their kids to daycare.  It's called the weekend.

When exactly does he plan to see these kids?

 

This.  I am ALL ABOUT sending kids to daycare to enjoy an occasional day to yourself.  I think people need that but people who work M-F don't send their kids to daycare on the weekend.

Very true, but I will admit that sometimes when I have days off during the week, I wlll still send DD to daycare. I am currently on maternity leave and DD1 still goes to daycare while I am at home with the baby. Maybe, like another poster stated, you can send the older child to a preschool. If my DH was home alone with both children, I know he might lose his mind because it can be very challenging, but he can handle one or the other for hours, if need be. You should also try and get a day off for yourself and do something so that you don't feel that it is only him getting time to himself.

DS1 will be going to daycare while I'm on maternity leave for DS2.  But there are reasons for that.  I need/want time to bond with DS2 and DS1 adores his daycare.  I also have to pay whether he goes or not.  After the first few weeks I plan to keep him home some of the time after I get my bearings.  But that's not at all the same as feeling like your days off are days off from life and all your responsibilities so I don't feel like he should feel entitled to two days "off" as the norm every single weeks. 

This. DH and I both work M-F, and the weekends are family time. If we happen to have a random weekday off where DS's DCP is still open, yeah, he might go, but that's a rare occasion, not a regular thing.

And I hate, hate, HATE when women say their husband's "watch" their children. Do you refer to you being home with LO's as you "watching" them?  Didn't think so. Parenting is a team sport, and no one should be doing less than the other, nor should they be held to a different standard, just because they have a penis.

elizabeth0705

I *guess* I can see where he's coming from, however I agree with you. I am a new SAHM with twins and DH works long hours and often travels for work. It annoys me no end when he comes home, holds a baby for ten minutes, and then puts him or her in the swing...or when he complains about a late night feeding. I feel the same way you do--he should be dying to spend time with the babies when he gets home!! Especially since he's had a break from childcare, and time to interact with adults and get out of the house.

Parents don't get days off. That is just the nature of the beast! I can see a couple of days a month of daycare, but anything beyond that would seem like an unnecessary expense to me. 

shibby00

If you can afford it, then go for it. I'm a SAHM and my DD goes to MDO twice a week. She will continue to go when this baby comes. It's only $16/day though, and only 6 hrs. That's enough of a break for me. Perhaps look into MDO programs in your area?

meaglamillion

Honestly, I would be pretty irritated with my DH if he suggested this to me but maybe that's because I stay at home full time. I understand taking a day to yourself from time to time, everybody needs a break... But every day off? This is what parents sign up for when they have kids, to take care of them and spend their time with them.

Mitsya

mabenner1:

And I hate, hate, HATE when women say their husband's "watch" their children. Do you refer to you being home with LO's as you "watching" them?  Didn't think so. Parenting is a team sport, and no one should be doing less than the other, nor should they be held to a different standard, just because they have a penis.

AMEN.  I want to crotchpunch people who say that the father "babysits" his own kids for the mother.  Almost in the same breath as telling my husband we were expecting, I told him that if he ever says that he "babysits" his own kid I'll dropkick him.  His answer? "How the hell does one babysit one's own kids?  It's being a parent.  It's not babysitting." 

Disneygeek77

Ha Ha, my husband used to get Mondays off.  When I was pregnant with our first ( like 5 years ago), I told him I was looking for a home sitter that would watch her 4 days a week and possibly take a discount.  His response " What, so I don't get a day off ?"  The look of death I gave him was enough for him to never say those words again.  Ever.