Feeling a little invisible

ravenelizabeth

My husband and I tried to get pregnant from night one of the honeymoon. A few years later, and a few fertility treatments later...it's finally happened. In all that time, we've gone to or at the very least, been invited to numerous baby showers and it's never been a secret that we've been trying to have a baby.

Since we've announced our pregnancy, we've gotten congratulations from nearly everyone we know, but only a handful of people have asked about buying baby gifts...and not a one of them have children! Not that I am thinking buying gifts is tit-for-tat...but what gives? We bought gifts for our friends who were pregnant, some of them not their first baby. I'm really confused about this. To not even ask? Even our neighbor wants to give us things her kids have outgrown.

I'm not even having a baby shower where we live, because no one has offered (either because they don't know we aren't supposed to throw our own shower or because they wouldn't be able to afford it). And I have no problem with that. I am flying to see my side of the family before I can't travel anymore and they are throwing us a shower, and that's more than enough. I'm just happy to see my family.

Has anyone else experienced this? I prepared myself for the idea of getting nothing off the registry (which makes me wonder why even bother making one), but I haven't heard of being completely ignored or avoided by people in my reading about babyshower etiquette.

 I'm beginning to think that a lot of people take my generosity for granted and maybe I don't have as many friends as I thought. But I would hate to think that so many people in my life are only around in hopes it benefits them. 

mben1119

JFC. I can't.

EastCoastBride

Huh. I didn't realize you had to ASK about giving a gift before giving a gift. This is news to me.

brenanigans

oh crap... yep only 3 posts....

I understand your disappointment, but it does sound a bit tit for tat. No one mentioned a shower for me till around 26 or 27 weeks. They are nice, yes, but no one has to throw you a shower. You still have time, plus I just make registries for the completion discount. After trying so hard to get pregnant, I am surprised you even care about the shower! I can already tell you that this board is just going to let you know that no one owes you a shower and it's your baby, your responsibility to buy things. 

That being said I do understand feeling left out, you just have to remember though showers are nice, but not an entitlement.

 

wittyschaffy

Pass the popcorn please!

CRLSMC2011

If you are not having a shower, it is likely people will not give you anything until after the baby arrives.  Pregnancy is life consuming for you, but not for your friends.  They have their own lives and don't think about you and your pregnancy and baby all the time like you do. 

And maybe you are in a better financial position to give gifts than your friends are.  But chill out and wait until the baby gets here before throwing yourself a pity party. 

JenniD2

allierhiana1:

We are treading in muddy waters.

This.

If this isn't MUD...well....I don't even know what to say. Who knew that giving gifts was about getting gifts in return and not about the actual thought behind it?

cinderin

I would think most people aren't going to give you a gift until after the baby is here.

OctGirl80

allierhiana1:

We are treading in muddy waters.

 

 

PunkyBooster

People generally do gifts at the shower. 

Also, we got most of our gifts after DS arrived.

You are only 26 weeks, most showers don't happen until closer to the 32 week mark, in my personal experience. It would not take me more than 4 weeks to pull one together, so I'd probably bring one up to you in the next few weeks. But honestly, you may not get one. Not everyone has a shower- and that's okay.   I agree with the PP that after your struggles, I am surprised you even care about gifts and a shower. 

I do think you didn't word your post well- you do obviously think gifts are tit for tat- but honestly? A lot of people do. And if the baby comes and 2 months pass by and you haven't received any gifts, sure, I'd be hurt. Not because they didn't appreciate my gifts, but because an acknowledgment of the birth of a child is part of friendship.  a

Liz4444

I... Just... can't... I didn't know feeling loved meant getting stuff. 

FTR, all of these people will probaby get the baby something, after they are born...

PinkLillyLover

PunkyBooster:

People generally do gifts at the shower. 

Also, we got most of our gifts after DS arrived.

You are only 26 weeks, most showers don't happen until closer to the 32 week mark, in my personal experience. It would not take me more than 4 weeks to pull one together, so I'd probably bring one up to you in the next few weeks. But honestly, you may not get one. Not everyone has a shower- and that's okay.   I agree with the PP that after your struggles, I am surprised you even care about gifts and a shower. 

I do think you didn't word your post well- you do obviously think gifts are tit for tat- but honestly? A lot of people do. And if the baby comes and 2 months pass by and you haven't received any gifts, sure, I'd be hurt. Not because they didn't appreciate my gifts, but because an acknowledgment of the birth of a child is part of friendship.  a

 This!  I don't think OP worded her post well.  Perhaps she feels hurt/sad because she's been there for all of her friends, went to their showers, gave gifts, and really supported them...now that it's finally her turn (and knowing the long road she's had) she is hurt that her friends aren't as supportive.  I really don't think this is about gifts but rather what the gifts symbolize (the gesture of gift giving...support and friendship...).  OP, it's still a little early so try not to be upset.  Maybe some of your friends are planning a surprise shower for you. 

P.S.  It's a good idea to still register though because you can use the completion program discount to buy the rest of your baby items.  Best of luck! 

Monkeybutt80

Don't be sad! I'm sure you didn't announce to your friends that you were getting them a gift before you attended the shower and got them a gift.  I'm 23 weeks in and the only person who mentioned anything about a gift is my mom.  But I know I was there for all my friends' shower and I know they will be there for me even if they aren't tripping over themselves and lining up with gifts yet! It's still early! And remember, having a baby might be the most important thing for us preggars but our babies arent the most important thing to others and if you think that way, you are just setting yourself up for a huge disappointment! 

rhubarb123

PinkLillyLover:

PunkyBooster:

People generally do gifts at the shower. 

Also, we got most of our gifts after DS arrived.

You are only 26 weeks, most showers don't happen until closer to the 32 week mark, in my personal experience. It would not take me more than 4 weeks to pull one together, so I'd probably bring one up to you in the next few weeks. But honestly, you may not get one. Not everyone has a shower- and that's okay.   I agree with the PP that after your struggles, I am surprised you even care about gifts and a shower. 

I do think you didn't word your post well- you do obviously think gifts are tit for tat- but honestly? A lot of people do. And if the baby comes and 2 months pass by and you haven't received any gifts, sure, I'd be hurt. Not because they didn't appreciate my gifts, but because an acknowledgment of the birth of a child is part of friendship.  a

 This!  I don't think OP worded her post well.  Perhaps she feels hurt/sad because she's been there for all of her friends, went to their showers, gave gifts, and really supported them...now that it's finally her turn (and knowing the long road she's had) she is hurt that her friends aren't as supportive.  I really don't think this is about gifts but rather what the gifts symbolize (the gesture of gift giving...support and friendship...).  OP, it's still a little early so try not to be upset.  Maybe some of your friends are planning a surprise shower for you. 

P.S.  It's a good idea to still register though because you can use the completion program discount to buy the rest of your baby items.  Best of luck! 

I totally agree with both of these posts.  I also agree you should register.  You are having a shower where your family lives and those people might want to buy off the registry (hopefully they will have them shipped to your home or give you gift cards since you are flying to your shower).   By registering you get a discount on anything you have left to purchase.  I had a lot so it really came in handy.

I'm thinking your friends are happy for you that you are finally expecting but they have their families that take up their time (and their brain).  I know if I don't actually put time aside to do something (call a person, etc) it doesn't get done because my 3 kids are always demanding my attention.  It is possible they might have a shower for you or just a girls' get-together.  Maybe they are waiting to see what you get at your shower or until the baby is born.   It is early in your pregnancy yet.  If no one acknowledges your pregnancy or baby (once she/he is born) have a "Meet the Baby Party" and invite all of those people.

I would feel the same way if I were you.  I guess I'm a tit-for-tat kind of person.  I admit it.  It is the way I was raised I suppose.

sweetpea2003

You are 26 weeks.  I usually don't even get my closest friends their gifts until their shower (if they have one) or toward the very end.  I often send gifts after a baby is born too.

For example, I am flying to see some friends this weekend.  One is due 2/20.  I am bringing her gift this weekend.  It's not late.  I wasn't even thinking about her gift 3 and a half months ago.

ravenelizabeth

rhubarb123:

PinkLillyLover:

PunkyBooster:

People generally do gifts at the shower. 

Also, we got most of our gifts after DS arrived.

You are only 26 weeks, most showers don't happen until closer to the 32 week mark, in my personal experience. It would not take me more than 4 weeks to pull one together, so I'd probably bring one up to you in the next few weeks. But honestly, you may not get one. Not everyone has a shower- and that's okay.   I agree with the PP that after your struggles, I am surprised you even care about gifts and a shower. 

I do think you didn't word your post well- you do obviously think gifts are tit for tat- but honestly? A lot of people do. And if the baby comes and 2 months pass by and you haven't received any gifts, sure, I'd be hurt. Not because they didn't appreciate my gifts, but because an acknowledgment of the birth of a child is part of friendship.  a

 This!  I don't think OP worded her post well.  Perhaps she feels hurt/sad because she's been there for all of her friends, went to their showers, gave gifts, and really supported them...now that it's finally her turn (and knowing the long road she's had) she is hurt that her friends aren't as supportive.  I really don't think this is about gifts but rather what the gifts symbolize (the gesture of gift giving...support and friendship...).  OP, it's still a little early so try not to be upset.  Maybe some of your friends are planning a surprise shower for you. 

P.S.  It's a good idea to still register though because you can use the completion program discount to buy the rest of your baby items.  Best of luck! 

I totally agree with both of these posts.  I also agree you should register.  You are having a shower where your family lives and those people might want to buy off the registry (hopefully they will have them shipped to your home or give you gift cards since you are flying to your shower).   By registering you get a discount on anything you have left to purchase.  I had a lot so it really came in handy.

I'm thinking your friends are happy for you that you are finally expecting but they have their families that take up their time (and their brain).  I know if I don't actually put time aside to do something (call a person, etc) it doesn't get done because my 3 kids are always demanding my attention.  It is possible they might have a shower for you or just a girls' get-together.  Maybe they are waiting to see what you get at your shower or until the baby is born.   It is early in your pregnancy yet.  If no one acknowledges your pregnancy or baby (once she/he is born) have a "Meet the Baby Party" and invite all of those people.

I would feel the same way if I were you.  I guess I'm a tit-for-tat kind of person.  I admit it.  It is the way I was raised I suppose.

 

Thank you, ladies. You reworded this so much better. I don't usually let things like this bother me, especially since I enjoy giving things so much more than receiving them (which is how I was raised) and I've never been one to ask for or want anything (which has driven my mother crazy my whole life, especially around birthdays and holidays). This isn't about presents and it certainly isn't about a baby shower. I don't want a shower from my friends, as I previously said. It isn't necessary. I did have a wonderful shower with my side of the family when we went to visit this past week and it was more than I could have ever asked for. And I made a registry because I was under the impression it was for other people to know what you need. Most of the things we "registered" for are on a private list so I can print it and use it as a check list.

I feel sorry for those individuals who are so negative and down right nasty in their responses. And also for those that automatically equate generosity with monetary status. One of my favorite things is giving gifts for expectant parents because you're contributing to this exciting time (which is also how I was raised). If that means I can afford a gift from the registry, absolutely. Otherwise, I take what I know of my friends or ask what else they would like and make them something pretty/cute and useful. I suppose that because this pregnancy has gone by so quickly for us, thus far and there is still so much to do, it feels like the due date is right around the corner when I look at my lists and appointments. While for everyone else, time is going at a normal pace. As for a "meet the baby" party, my husband and I have been discussing about hosting a BBQ for 4th of July since I was too tired to open our home for Thanksgiving.

Thank you for your responses.