Contact with BM with open adoption

potatohead

I absolutely adore DD's BM.  She is wise beyond her years and so so sweet.  Even though it's long distance, I feel like I'm her big sister in a way.  We had an immediate connection from the start.  Anyway, the texts have gone from multiple times per day to once per day to a few times per week to every other week and now every two weeks. Sometimes I initiate.  I know she will always respond, without a shadow of a doubt.  I can't help but wonder, though...(which I hate to think about, but it's reality)..will the day ever come when she won't want contact?   I do want DD to be able to ask her questions should the need arise when she's older (and it will).  Has anyone experienced the decrease in contact?  Thoughts?

MayDayGirl

I think it's really normal, you go through this intense time and are so bonded, and then....life goes on. For you and her. Still bonded, but doing life seperate.

Art Teacher

We love our daugher's birthmother, too.  We have a really great relationship with her as well and a very open adoption.  We used to email quite a lot - we tend not to email much now at all.  Her birthmom doesn't really check her email very often.  If I want to 'talk' to her, I tend to send her a message on FB.  We've been FB since the begining. 

She will text once in a while.  I know she'll answer me if I text, too.  We don't talk on the phone as often as we used to but I would say at least once a month or so.  Sometimes more especially around holidays.  We send her pictures and notes (cards/gifts, too) in the mail pretty frequently. She just send DD a gift in the mail for the first time.  (She's given her a few other things in the past, but this is the first card/gift she mailed to DD.)  We've had between 4 and 10 visits or so per year for the first 3 years, but she recently moved out of state.  We saw her in late Sept. before she started school, and we are hoping to see her in the spring. 

So my answer is I think it kind of changes, depending on where everyone is in their lives.  I wish we still had just as much contact as we did before, but with the distance it's just not possible. 

I think it's important for you on your end to continue to do what you can to maintain contact and openness.  It doesn't mean it has to be as frequently as before, though. 

MayDayGirl

MayDayGirl:

I think it's really normal, you go through this intense time and are so bonded, and then....life goes on. For you and her. Still bonded, but doing life seperate.

By this I did NOT mean so you will lose contact and that is normal! I mean so contact changes with time, like art teacher said.

mnmello

On the converse - I've seen a decrease in the APs of my DD reaching out. The emails and pictures are much less frequent than the once were. But like your BM - my initiating of contact has decreased more. And you know what? That's OK with me. 

Not that I love and miss my DD less, or that I care less about knowing things, etc, etc. - obviously none of that is true. But my life has moved on, things aren't as raw as they once were, I've got tons of stuff going on and I'm focusing on a lot of other things. I know she's safe and in good hands and healthy and having fun - and I don't need as much day-by-day play as I once did. 

And of course - there's the guilt that comes with not needing as much contact or not reaching out as much...so I have to deal with that too. But in general, life changes every year she gets older...and so do the needs and emotions.

Edited: Forgot to mention one other aspect...that yes, it scares me that this will continue to decrease and I'll hardly know anything about DD in the future years. But I have to hope that we were a match for a reason - and I trust that they would never completely cut me off...and I have to do my part to reach out as well. It's an interesting dynamic and we'll all figure it out as time goes by, I can only hope.  

c&dwaiting4ourmiracle

We too love our son's first mommy.  We had the opportunity to meet her the day prior to her scheduled induction and spent 3 wks in her state.  We spent a lot of time with her and our son's brother and sister.  She has been very quite per se, when it comes to continuing contact.  I e-mail and text her constantly and every once in a while we receive a message back.  For Christmas we sent her a package with a digital frame full of our LO's pics and some gifts for the kids (ideas she provided us with).  I know she loves us and I wish she would want more contact, but she is working full time and going to school full time (amazing woman).  

I think that contact has decreased as the months have gone by (our son is 7 months) and maybe it is normal.  I guess all we can do is continue to show her that we  want to have her in our lives and continue e-mailing and texting, as well as uploading pics on shutterfly.  I would love to send her packages and more pics, but she moved and has not given us her new address.  I respect her wishes and will be here when ever she is ready.  

 Wish you the best.  

 Carolina 

Dr.Loretta

Yep, our contact with DD's birthmom ebbs and flows. I have no idea if it's because she has other things going on in her life, or if sometimes it's to step back so she can process her grief, or she just isn't the type to spend a lot of time communicating. The basic framework of our open adoption is still in place--we provide pictures and letters on the agency's schedule, and we meet with her a couple times a year. In fact, every time I start to get worried about her because I haven't heard from her, she sends us a quick note and all is well.

There may come a day when she won't want contact, but I doubt it. And even if she does, we have some tangible things to share with DD if we have to go that route.