Blended Families

Being addressed as "mom"

SKs call me by my first name. They've been told that if they choose to call me "mom", it's up to them. We are in no way asking them to do so. Anytime I write anything from their dad and I, I always sign it "Love Daddy and M". Same goes for the Valentine's Day gifts they opened this morning. They were signed from Daddy and M. When I came downstairs to take SKs to school this morning, both SKs gave me cards they had just made and they signed them to "mom". Neither kid calls me mom but they'll refer to me as such at school etc. In the past, SD has written poems and little letters referring to me as being her mom but this is the first time either has addressed anything to me that way. I feel kind of weird now. In the future, should I address things to them from "Daddy and Mom"? Or keep using "Daddy and M"? Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, what did you do?
Happily married to my Snorkelbutt - 07/31/10

BFP #1 09/02/11  M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13

SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.

Re: Being addressed as "mom"

  • I think it really depends on you and your blended family.

    My SDs wanted to call me "Mama Firstname" but their BM was really uncomfortable with that name, as was I.  We ended up with "Mopje" which is Dutch for darling girl.  It's been years now, and I love that they have a special name for me other than Mom.  We have 50% and I'm not their Mom, I'm their step mom.  I occupy a unique position in their lives and now I have a unique name. 



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  • imagekali55:

    I think it really depends on you and your blended family.

    My SDs wanted to call me "Mama Firstname" but their BM was really uncomfortable with that name, as was I.  We ended up with "Mopje" which is Dutch for darling girl.  It's been years now, and I love that they have a special name for me other than Mom.  We have 50% and I'm not their Mom, I'm their step mom.  I occupy a unique position in their lives and now I have a unique name. 

    I love this!

    Stay at Home Mama to 3 Beautiful Children by the miracles of Birth & Adoption
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  • This might be unpopular but I'm pretty against a step parent being called mom or dad unless the bioparent is not involved at all, or barely involved. I feel like its disrespectful to the biological parent, if they are a part of the childs life.
  • As a BM, I would struggle with DD calling anyone else mom, but I would encourage another motherly name other than the SM's first name.  Whatever DD is comfortable with I guess is fine with me.

    As a step mom I was not comfortable being called "mom".  If SD had ever felt compelled, I would have insisted on something else endearing. 

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • My step children call me mom, but we have full custody of them.  
  • imageSimpleJane:
    This might be unpopular but I'm pretty against a step parent being called mom or dad unless the bioparent is not involved at all, or barely involved. I feel like its disrespectful to the biological parent, if they are a part of the childs life.


    Totally agree with this. I am curious what happened that you had a conversation telling them they can call you Mom?
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I really wouldn't encourage it if the BM is in the picture.  If she isn't, you could let the kids take the lead.


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  • SD has been calling me mommy and calling BM old mommy.... ummmm AWKWARD! I know I wouldn't be one bit happy if my child were calling another woman mom. So we just keep telling her my name and try not to make a big deal if she slips up and calls me mom. After all I don't wanna be all "I ain't yo' momma!" lol.  I think she just sees me as this mom-like person because I am always with her daddy and helping him with things. I just dread her saying something in front of BM
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  • imagekali55:

    I think it really depends on you and your blended family.

    My SDs wanted to call me "Mama Firstname" but their BM was really uncomfortable with that name, as was I.  We ended up with "Mopje" which is Dutch for darling girl.  It's been years now, and I love that they have a special name for me other than Mom.  We have 50% and I'm not their Mom, I'm their step mom.  I occupy a unique position in their lives and now I have a unique name. 

    I really like this and wish my SKs would have come up with a nickname like this for me too. I read your response to the similar post from a few days back (about the mom who was wondering if she should let her son call her new husband "dad"). I responded to that post too and explained our situation. And then this happened.

    I had a SM in my early to mid-20's and I called her "Momtoo/Mom2". She wanted me to call her mom and I just couldn't do it. I asked her if I could call her "Momtoo/Mom2" before I ever did and she didn't like it at first...but I think she eventually preferred it over me calling her by her first name (because 4 of her kids, who were younger than me, all called my dad "dad"). I felt like she was my "mom too" but also my "mom #2" (because I had a mom who died 11 years ago and who I could never replace) so that's how I came up with the name. It worked for us. She's not in my life anymore though.

    I wonder if I could still suggest SKs come up with a nickname for me. Hmm...

    Happily married to my Snorkelbutt - 07/31/10

    BFP #1 09/02/11  M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
    BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13

    SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.
  • imageLittlejen22:
    imageSimpleJane:
    This might be unpopular but I'm pretty against a step parent being called mom or dad unless the bioparent is not involved at all, or barely involved. I feel like its disrespectful to the biological parent, if they are a part of the childs life.
    Totally agree with this. I am curious what happened that you had a conversation telling them they can call you Mom?

    I've been in my SKs lives for 6 years...since SS was 5 and SD was 1. I was introduced to them as "M" and have always been called "M". However, over the years, SKs called the various men in their BM's life "dad". That always bothered DH but BM didn't care. Since SKs lived with BM, there was nothing he could do about it and just took it in stride. The kids just considered themselves to be lucky because they had 2 dads (eventually BM stuck with one man for about 3 years so the same guy was called "dad" during that time). It was always kind of an odd situation though because SKs had 1 mom, 2 dads, and me...who had been in their lives longer than any of the men. DH and I have been together for 6 years and married for 2.5. BM had been with her most recent partner for a year, they were married for another 2 years, and have been separated for the last year (he still lives with BM from time to time...it's a really unstable situation). I'm not sure how it came up but I believe that, when we got married and because I was officially their SM, DH told the kids that they could call me mom if they wanted to (as they were used to calling different men "dad"). We never pressed them to call me that though and they haven't. They've referred to me as being their mom for a long time but have never addressed me as such.

    As for BM and her involvement in SKs lives...SKs have been living with DH and I full-time for the last 7 months. They have seen BM twice in those 7 months. In fact, she hadn't been in contact with them for almost 7 weeks, until tonight. I think that they have started seeing me as more of their mom and that's why they are addressing me this way.

    And to make things even more confusing, SS is not BM's bio-child. BM is SD's BM and was SS's guardian for most of his life (loooong story). He called her mom when he lived with her but hasn't done so for the last 5 or 6 months. He is 11 and is making his own decisions about how he feels about her. He refers to her as her first name now. She is bothered by it but it is really up to him. He also refers to his actual BM by her first name as well because he doesn't really know her and has never called her "mom".

    Most of the awkward feelings I have about this situation is in regards to my SD because she is younger (7) and confused about her feelings. I don't want her to call me something she doesn't want to call me. But if she's going to call me that, then I feel like I should reciprocate...maybe?

    Happily married to my Snorkelbutt - 07/31/10

    BFP #1 09/02/11  M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
    BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13

    SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.
  • Lurker here :
    DH and I did the same as you did when we married in 2011. He told SS, 9, he could call me mom if he wanted but he didn't have to. SS played with calling me mom but it didn't stick very long and calls me by my name. Last year there were issues with BM they are fixed now and SS and I got closer. He calls me mom in public now but at home it's my name. I just respond to him like he is using my name and I introduce him as my son to people. After LO was born my husband had another talk with SS and told him there are no titles like half brother or step mom. We are all family, but it doesn't mean he has to call me mom if he didn't want to.
    Your SKs may be experimenting to see how you react. You may mention how if made you feel and have a talk with them on how they want you to address yourself on their gifts.
    Good luck. : and sorry for spelling issues. I'm using my phone.
  • I call my stepdad by his first name. I was older when my mom remarried. My dad was not involved in my life until I was an adult. My daughter calls my husband both by his first name and "daddy". She calls her birth father "dad". She only sees her dad on supervised visitation and only ever will, but she was young enough when I met my husband that he has been very fatherlike and she has a close relationship with him.
  • SS was 4 when DH and I started dating, he's almost 8 now. DH and I married in August, but we've been living together for 3 years now.
    When DH and I started dating, BM had every other weekend visitations. We have full custody now and have for over a year. I am a young step mama. So I was only 19 at the time and being called "mom" wasn't something I was comfortable with yet.
    SS called me by my first name right away. When we got engaged the summer of 2011, he was so excited and said, "You're FINALLY going to be my mom!" And he told everyone that I was soon to be his mom. Every card he makes, any project he makes at school, ect says "To Mom" and he gives it to me. He addresses me as mom to other people and at school. However, he addresses me by my first name.
    When I sign cards from his dad and I, I sign them "Love, Dad and MomMy First Name".
    I think he wants to call me Mom but since he's called me by my first name for 3 years it'd be strange to switch.

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    First Date.. March 11, 2010  Engaged...August 09, 2011   Married...August 11, 2012    BFP...July 21, 2013
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  • My SK don't call me mom and I would be uncomfortable if they did at this point.  When I was engaged to DH my SD asked if she should call me Mom firstname and I told her I would love her to but I didn't want her to hurt her own mom's feelings so maybe for now she should just stick to calling me by my first name.  The oldest SS lives with me and every once in a while he refers to me as mom if he is talking to someone about me, but not often.  He always calls me by my first name.

    DH and I don't "sign" anything to the kids.  Christmas presents & birthday presents don't need to be labeled "from" anyone since it's obvious they are from us.  We don't really have any reason to give cards, but if we did (for example a graduation card) I would probably sign with something like from Dad & M.

  • At first my stepsons called me by my nickname as their BM was still sort of in the picture (she saw them once every 3-4months). Unfortunately she decided to move across country (my DH has full custody) and barely calls or answers emails. She hasn't seen the boys in almost 3 years and hasn't even asked to. We never had a conversation saying that the boys could call me mom, they just started doing it on their own. But in our family we tend to use English to talk about my side and Korean to talk about my husband's side. They call their BM 'mom' but in Korean. I'm not sure if they refer to me as mom when they talk to BM.
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  • imagebrenanigans:
    "I ain't yo' momma!"

    Heehee. This made me laugh. Out loud, too!

    My SDs (9 and 16) have called me "L" since me and their dad were together. Him and I were friends for about a year before we started a relationship, so they knew me as "L". After we got married, 9yo started calling me "mom", but it didn't last long. I think it was a novelty; she was excited that she had another "mother" figure in her life and it was official with our marriage. I never asked her to call me "mom" and I always told the girls they can call me whatever they want.

    We have them EOWE and they are with BM primarily. As much (unspoken) disdain I have for this woman, she is still their mother and she is "mom".

    Even before we got pregnant, I always imagined that if I had a baby and it grew up to call another woman "mom", that would just crush me.

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