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Blended Families
Nineoceans
member
Is it sad that...
Nineoceans
member
Is it sad that I was wondering why Bm hasn't been evicted from her new condo yet because she gets evicted from every apartment every 6 months or so, so out of morbid curiosity I looked on the auditors website to see the property management company and.....its her parents!!!!
Her parents bought her a house so she could continue to collect welfare in her name, work 10 hours a week at Olive Garden, and live with a jerk who has no job at all. And have more kids she can put on welfare
Wow if you looked up enabler in the dictionary you would see the faces of two very stupid people.
Btw she had to remain in a home in our school district or she loses her shared time with SS per the court order so I'm sure that prompted this.
She's been telling SS their house cost 1000 a month and dh and I were racking our brains on how she could afford that and still qualify SS for free lunches. We thought it was section 8 but I'm a social worker and know that's not a sec 8 property.
This girl is amazing. She has figured out how to go an entire lifetime without working and still living really well. Genius.
Her parents bought her a house so she could continue to collect welfare in her name, work 10 hours a week at Olive Garden, and live with a jerk who has no job at all. And have more kids she can put on welfare
Wow if you looked up enabler in the dictionary you would see the faces of two very stupid people.
Btw she had to remain in a home in our school district or she loses her shared time with SS per the court order so I'm sure that prompted this.
She's been telling SS their house cost 1000 a month and dh and I were racking our brains on how she could afford that and still qualify SS for free lunches. We thought it was section 8 but I'm a social worker and know that's not a sec 8 property.
This girl is amazing. She has figured out how to go an entire lifetime without working and still living really well. Genius.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Is it sad that...
In the long run isn't her having a stable home, not moving every six months, what is important for SS?
The best thing for SS is to see those two drug addicts go to rehab and stop being scrub losers who continue to think its ok to have children when neither of them work... but when all your bills are paid and you can still get high it's pretty hard to give up that lifestyle
I agree on what the risk is. DD told me she won't ever have her own house, she will move a lot and live with friends. This is what exh does. She still lives most of the time in the only home she has ever known - but seeing him move into some awesome houses and they spend their time with him there has really skewed her thinking. I get that she would prefer a house with an in home theater, pool, putting green and game room. She thinks she does not have to work for those things and sponging off others is OK.
I would not disabuse SS of the 1K a month notion. At minimum that shows him that things cost money - he will learn to do the math later.
You do know that one of the strongest teaching tools we have as parents is how WE act right?
So basically this BM is teaching her child that it is perfectly OK to scam the system, take money out of the hands of people who REALLY need it and that lying is good.
That's a stable household.
Maybe I'm missing a backstory here, but what is she lying about? Is she scaming the system by lying about her income or something? Her parents are paying for her house, because she isn't working much and can't afford to. That's laziness and doesn't set a good example, but I'm not sure how that teaches SS to lie and scam the system.Its not a crime to live off your parents. As an adult and a parent you should have your *** together yes, but in the end I don't really see how its OPs business who is paying the rent. It's out of her control.
As for instilling work ethic, SS will see Dad and SM working hard and getting much farther in life than his mother I'm sure. Welfare pays far less than what most people think, and seeing the contrast between the two homes I would like to think the stable home BF and SM provide would be a more appealing one.
Like I said, its frustrating to watch people not work and still be provided for, but really if she was moving every few months, and now her parents are buying her a house this will probably be a little more stable for SS than apartment hopping.
This is what has been a big concern for me recently. SD is almost ten and I worry that she will look at her mom's life (BM has 4 children, works less than 20 hours/week, lives with her in-laws, is on welfare, etc...) I worry what SD will see when she looks at this is that you can get by without making any real effort in life.
So we try to talk often about choosing how you want to live; choosing to wait to have kids, choosing to have a job or go to school so you can someday have a job, choosing independence, etc... We want SD to know that she has the power to decide how her life will be and that it doesn't have to be 8 people and 5 dogs living in 3 bedrooms with bill collectors calling at all hours. Obviously we don't phrase it to her that way, we try to never put down her mother's way of life. But we want her to know she doesn't have to live that way.
THIS!
How is collecting Social Services money while Mommy and Daddy are paying for a lush lifestyle NOT scamming the system? If mommy and daddy can afford to buy her a condo, then they can afford to pay the whole kit 'n kaboodlle and allow her welfare money to go to someone who actually, NEEDS IT, you know the people who are actually living in Section 8 housing.
How is purposefully underworking so a higher income does not push her out of the services not scamming the system? If her parents were NOT funding her housing, do you honestly think she would be ok with only workingn 10 hours a week?
Its these "following the letter, but not the spirit of the law" moments that DO make it harder for those that need the assistance to get it. It is these moments that the conservative right hold high when they look at cutting services. And its those gray areas that bleed into the soul of a child and make it harder for them to differentiate right from wrong.
So sure, in the short run, of course it is better for the child to live in a nice/safe house. But its also better for the child to see his parent WORK as hard as she can - even IF she is doesnt have to.
I guess I am glass half full today.
I am not by any means saying this woman is living life by my moral standards or that I agree with her life. She is a drug addict, and it doesn't sound like she has a marketable job skill or stable job history. So what does she do? Should she get clean, get a new BF, get a skill and a new job? Sure. Of course she should. But those things don't just happen. In the meantime, her parents have provided a safe place for her and an innocent child to livehow can that possibly be a bad thing? It can't be. A child now knows that he won't have to pack his bags and move yet again, and if nothing else maybe that will bring him some peace and with his dad and sm in his life to be a positive influence perhaps that will be enough to give him a bright future.
^^ Exactly. Illumine you hit the nail on the head as to what the real problem is, and Wittig, you emphasized what is actually within our control.
OP: Right now SS has a stable home, meaning he's not getting moved around every 6 months which is beneficial to him. I'm sure things at BM's home aren't perfect, and I'm sure SS sees the difference in the stability between BM's and your household. If you are 100% certain that BM is doing drugs, why isn't YH going to Court and demanding a drug test? If the results show that BM is using drugs, then maybe a change of custody is in order. Aside from having BM drug tested, there isn't anything you or YH can do. So talk up how wonderful it feels to earn a living. Ask him what he wants his future to look like, and then ask him if he knows how to accomplish that. Let him start with the big picture and then break it down to the smallest detail about how to get to that point. Emphasize working and going to school and working hard. Give him examples of things you or YH have had to do to make the life you currently live possible.
We have the same issue with K. As annoying and frustrating as it is that BM is basically teaching K that she doesn't have to strive to be self-sufficient and that it's completely acceptable to wait for a man to swoop in and "save" her, we can't stop it. So what can we do? Set better examples in OUR home. We explain to her that parents need to work to provide things. Example: when I went on maternity leave the kids stopped their extra curriculars. My income basically paid for those extras, so we've explained to the kids that until I go back to work, there will be no karate/tumbling/hockey/dance/etc. I think it's important for kids to understand that in order to have things, you have to sometimes sacrifice other things. My son is 13 and his dad is a total deadbeat. He has already told me that he's going to college and getting a degree so that he can do for his family what DH and I do for him and his sisters. Kids are smart, they figure things out eventually.
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I'm guilty of this mindset as well.
I had my son at 16, graduated High School early and was working full-time and going to college when I was 17. I had my daughter when I was 20 and was still working full-time but not going to school anymore. When DC and I got divorced I was working full-time and went back to school at night to get my degree. I have worked full-time since I was 17 and only stopped a couple years ago because we were in the financial position for me to do so.
However, my parents have always instilled work ethic in me since I was a little kid. My father owned restaurants and I started "working" in them when I was 8 (meaning I filled salt shakers, ketchup bottles, napkin holders, etc). I had to work to pay for my Homecoming dresses in High School and had to pay for 1/2 my car payment and car insurance and buy my own gas. I became the hard working individual I am because my parents made me. They didn't enable me in any way. I have come to realize that not everyone is as lucky as I was to have that "push" growing up.
So as frustrating as it is to see people deliberately doing less than they can, I now feel a bit sorry for them and accept that the genuinely just don't know better. People who have been enabled the majority of their lives (like OP's BM and the BM in my situation) have been set up to fail. They were never forced to apply themselves, and until someone forces them to do more with their lives, they won't.
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As to why it's a big deal it is because she is misinforming my SS. She is letting him think that you can NOT work and be completely irresponsible and still get by well in life. This condo is as big as our home and backs right up to his school. It isnt some shanty house.
Welfare is for people who need it NOT for people like Bm who got pregnant on purpose at 23 and failed out of every school her parents paid for her to go through and THEN had the audacity to have more children while not working to request MORE benefits.
She brings bakery made superbowl cupcakes to my SS's school for snack and then puts him on a school lunch. It's truly a bunch of BS. She walks around the school like she's a dang PTA member and sits on every board and charity fundraiser- GIRL YOU ARE A CHARITY according to the state!!!
And NO it's not better that she has a stable home, because if she was evicted as we, our attorney and the court guessed she would be due to her history, SS WOULD be in a safe home- OURS. Instead he gets to keep being exposed to her stupid and dangerous behavior. Ugh it just infuriates me. Yes I can tell SS that we work hard and we achieve a certain lifestyle because of it, BUT when his mom is living the EXACT SAME LIFESTYLE (she literally lives down the street from us) and not working AT ALL, it does come off as why try. Why work all weekend like dad when you can hang out, go to the POOL (yes she and her parents belong to a COUNTRY CLUB!!!) and NEVER EFFING WORK!!!!!!!!
Sorry she just pushes me to the edge. I am posting here to avoid texting her because I want nothing more in the world than to text her. Ugh rant over.
If you can't see the good in this I don't know what to tell you. If you haven't gotten custody up until now, with her drug use, and unstable living conditions I doubt it will happen. Perhaps a new lawyer is in order.
I didn't know that people who received state assistance that's not charity shouldn't be involved in their children's education. Interesting.
This whole thread makes me sad.
Esentially, BM is a SAHM since she doesn't work? I think half the women on this board are SAHMs.
My Mom was a drug user, had my sister and I when she was in her teens, was on welfare and my grandfather owned the house we lived in. I have a very good job and make a pretty good salary. Point is, some kids are smart and can see how their parents are and realize that isn't how they want to live their life. I think unless BM is turning tricks in her new condo, then you should be happy she isn't getting evicted again. And despite how much you think she should, so you can get custody, the impact that would have on your SS would be horrible.
I work because I have masters degree not because I want to impress my SS. I'm a social worker so obviously I believe in a hand up. What I don't believe is enabling. It helps no one
Walking around pretending to have a certain lifestyle when you don't is pathetic and wholly unproductive.
And please save me the burden of the poor speech. I've spent more of my life working for the poor and disadvantaged... you know the women who get plucked from their group homes by pimps and the fourteen year olds having their stepfathers babies. NOT THE SAME as Bms situation. People on welfare are on welfare bc they don't have the social safety nets like parents who can purchase them condos, cars, cell phones etc
So is spying on BM and researching who owns the house she lives in and constantly stressing/obsessing over it.
Look, no one is agreeing with the lifestyle that BM is living. It sucks that a grown woman is relying on her mommy and daddy to foot all her bills and provide for her. It sucks that she refuses to maintain meaningful and gainful employment to support SS. It really sucks that the Courts aren't willing to intervene when BM clearly has a drug problem. But you are letting BM rent way too much space in your head.
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