Help me tell DH he's wrong re: sleeping (long)

grlnextdoor

I would love some advice here...DH & I are at odds about what to do with DD when she fights sleep (which is always).

First, when I say she fights sleep, I mean FIGHTS - with her entire body, squirms and cries out, even when her eyes are too heavy to keep open.  She will even grab at her face, yank her paci out, whatever she can do to stay awake.

When she does this, I want to just work with her and keep trying things - I lay her in her crib, walk with her, rock her, just keep changing positions until she finally falls asleep.  I try to nurse her, whatever works.  Sometimes this process can take an hour or more at night.  I don't know why she does this, but my solution is to just help her as much as I can to find sleep.

DH wants to force her.  He even used that word - "force" - and it feels wrong to me.  He wants to hold her tightly so that she can't squirm and pull out her paci, and he'll sway her or bounce her.  The problem with this is that she cries at first...it's like she knows what he's trying to do.  Eventually she does quiet and go to sleep.  But I hate the crying and I feel like there must be a better way.

The issue is his method works, and works quickly.  Mine takes longer, but I feel like it's more gentle.  I don't want her to feel like she is being forced to sleep.

Am I wrong?  Is there something I'm not thinking of that might work better than what we're both doing?  Also, how can I better explain to DH that forcing DD to sleep is the wrong way to handle things?  Or maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing??

Sorry this is so long.  Any advice would be appreciated.  TIA.

phanatic

have you tried swaddling?

papagena

Well, with DS we do gently hold down his legs to help him get to sleep - again, gently.  I still let them move a little, but I put enough gentle pressure that they don't move far and don't wake him up nearly enough.  I'll do the same with his hands if he's being really active - I just figure I'm just supplimenting the swaddling we're doing.  Have you tried a tight swaddle, or maybe a swaddle-me blanket or wombie (just saw those online).  Maybe a tighter swaddle will help her get to sleep a bit quicker.  We also find that fairly loud, consistant 'shhh' noises help him drift off even when he's fighting it.  Good luck!

brandonswife07

have you read happiest baby on the block? 

luckiestwife

I think that really, neither of you are "wrong." ?Both methods work, neither of you are abusing her - the issue here is that you're uncomfortable with your DH's method. ?DH and I are both of the mindset that a little crying is not bad for a baby, but we're also both comfortable with the methods we choose. ?If you are very uncomfortable with your DH's method, then THAT is what you need to explain to him - not that he's wrong, but that you just aren't comfortable with it. ?Maybe something like "honey, I know that what you are doing works and I know logically that there isn't anything wrong with what you're doing, but right now I am really uncomfortable using a method to get her to sleep that makes her cry and even though my way takes longer, I would really prefer using a method that doesn't make her cry. ?Maybe when she's older some crying will be okay, but for now can you humor me?"

bananaQ

I agree with pps. Sounds like your baby will respond well to swaddling! Rent "happiest baby on the block" DVD, you'll learn a lot!

grlnextdoor

Ok, that is some food for thought...we swaddle her after she goes to sleep but didn't think to try swaddling her before she falls asleep.  I feel kind of dumb now...  ;-)

I have read HBOTB because DD was colicky the first 8 weeks or so, but now that she's a lot better I have gotten out of the habit of swaddling, swinging, shh'ing, etc.  Maybe it's time to implement those ideas again.

Thanks for the responses.  I guess I was worried that "his method" was going to give her a bad association with falling asleep since she cries at first.  I guess maybe he is right that I am being overprotective?

MrsBrown2005

I kind of do the same thing with DS that your husband does. He loves to fight his sleep. He will grab at his face, grab at his paci, throw himself all over the place. He loves to go to sleep on my shoulder, but when he is fighting sleep he always just rubs his face on my shoulder, which always knows the paci out.

So i normally, will put his arm that is close to my body behind me and I will hold him snuggly and sway back and forth. I will also hold the paci in his mouth. Normally he is out in 10 minutes of me doing that.

I think both of your ways are good ways. But if you are uncomfortable with your DH method maybe you should talk with him about it and see how he can modify his way to make you more comfortable.

luckiestwife

I wouldn't worry about a "bad association" from the crying - probably the only one her crying is hurting is you. ?Your baby will most likely be totally fine whether or not she cries. ?BUT that doesn't mean you're overprotective - just that you don't like your baby to cry, which is how a LOT of parents feel. ?Like I said before, we don't mind a little crying, but if we weren't both comfortable with it, we wouldn't do it. ?

Swaddling does sound like it would be a good option for you, but if you aren't OK with any crying, I would also mention that it's probably only fair that you be the one to do the majority of the soothing, since your DH will probably get frustrated if he's forced to stay awake longer in the middle of the night because you won't let him use the method that works for him. ??

Good luck!?

auburnbride2be

Our DD has a similar problem and I sort of do a combination of both. I walk with her, bounce her, hold her and if that doesn't work after a while, I will sit in the rocker and hold her while she fusses a bit and normally she will let herself go to sleep while I rock with her, sway or bounce her. I can't let her cry for long, but I feel ok about it b/c it's more like fussing and she knows I'm there b/c I'm holding her. I am nor forceful, but I hold her close to me b/c I know she is tired and I try to get her to lay her head against my body or on my shoulder. I guess in some ways, it's trying to force her to relax.

RedBrideNC

I use the same method as your DH to help DS get to sleep when he is overtired and fighting sleep. I don't hold him any tighter than if he was swaddled tightly and within minutes he's usually sleep.

grlnextdoor

Thanks ladies.  I feel kind of silly now... 

I really appreciate all the feedback!