Is there a point when you give up and feel OK with it?

kofmkg

We were waiting on DH's last SA to make our final decision which IUI cycle to go with-- but we got news that the SA is worse than last time where his count is now decreased by 2/3 of what it was 6 months ago.  Per our RE we were no longer candidates for IUI and IVF is our only option.

Dh and I had a rough weekend with the news and decided that IVF is just not for us.  We are going to meet with the RE again to see how we can improve and correct some of the sperm issues to bring us back within range for an IUI.  We'll spend this time TTC on our own again, which I don't have lots of hope for. 

This sounds so weird, considering that LO#2 has been such a high priority for us for over 2 years now, but I'm trying to warm up and get cozy with the idea that we might be a 3 person family. I can see many good things-- including being able to focus entirely on our son now along with a lot of materialistic "pros."  Of course, it's not what I want, but I'm trying to decide if I can adjust to and/or like the idea of one and done.  On one hand it feels like I'm already giving up when we just got a diagnosis- but on the other hand, it sort of feels good to put TTC on a back burner and focus on "just us."

Sorry.  I don't know if there is a point to this post other than to wonder if anyone else has the same feelings.

SigmundsGirl

I am in a similar boat. We are going to give it one more IUI in April/May and then we are done with TTC. Of course this is the second time we have given ourselves a deadline, but this one is based on treatment options we are comfortable with and the previous was my age. (I didn't want to deliver at 39.)

We are facing the very real possibility that we are one and done. I posted this on my local board to hear if there were other moms who had already gone through this. Several were one and done because of fertility and some were because their spouse didn't want more kids.

All-in-all I learned that it is okay to mourn the loss of the "dream family" you had when you are faced with the reality of a different family. And I know that God has a plan for my family that may not be what I thought it would be. It is okay to mourn that and then move on.

If we aren't blessed with another child, I will learn to better appreciate the family I have, have a little me time, and look forward to the children of friends and family.

MandynStephen

I did give up and feel OK with it one time.  Ended up getting pregnant on our own, but then suffered a late loss.  It is so hard to give up!

CeCe8579

Hugs! We struggle with knowing we may just be a 3 person family and SO will not have child of his own. IF sucks!

74dragonfly

I am dealing with this as well.  Our fertility issue is my age/ suspected poor egg quality.  I will be 39 in May. We have been TTC #2 since Jan 2011.  My DD is 4 now.  We did 3 IUI no success.  For me I have decided i want to do one round of IVF.  If it doesn't work I will likly call it done.  For me I have to try once so I can move on knowing I tried what I am comfortable trying.  I am not interested in donor eggs or embryos, it is just a personal thing.  

As DD gets older it seems easier to give up my dream for two reasons:  1. best case scenario my kids would be 5 years apart at this point.  They probably wont play together much.  Siblings are for life and I'd still love to give her one but at this point it wouldn't be for the play mate.

 2. after two years and two losses emotionally i cant do this forever.  I know many ladies struggle for much longer but I cant.  And age not on my side.

I have quite a few IRL friends who only have one as well as few co-workers.  There are advantages to it.  Disadvantages too but many only children grow up fine not having a sibling.

 

In the end Ill try a round of IVF and if I have another I will be thrilled, if not Ill be devastated but I will learn to accept.  I believe if I meant to have one I will.  And if I don't maybe there is a reason I don't know.  

Hugs to all of you.  I know how hard this all is.   

 

 

cislebride07

I have recently started thinking about this.  I think I can come to terms with it but I worry about my DS. I don't want him feel as though we cheated him. I definitely will continue to try and pray and I hope that if it doesn't happen I can come to terms with it.

tryingyetagain

I am struggling with this as well.  DH and I married in December 2010 and have been TTC since our wedding.  He is such a great dad to my son (from a previous marriage) and has no other children, and nothing would make me happier than giving him a baby, and giving DS a sibling.

Although we are still actively trying, my age (42 this year) and various fertility complications are not giving me much hope it will happen.  For the last few months, I have been trying to adjust to the fact that it may not happen for us.  I am trying to focus on the positives (no getting up during the night again, the financial advantages, not wrecking my body any more, not going through potty training again, etc.).  But I would go through all of that again in a heartbeat if I could.

I also trying to figure out at what age I am just being ridiculous to continue trying.  It sucks.

kofmkg

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts.  It's truly comforting to know that there are others who are going through this, too-- even if it sucks that we are in the boar at all.  I'm sorry for all of our struggles, but at the same time so very thankful to seek your thoughts.

whirli

We are still relatively new to this process but actually having an end point in my mind helps me. I feel like the endless TTC, not accepting my family of 3 and moving on is really starting to affect me. I need closure. DH and I are going through the initial testing right now. I've had my HSG & bloodwork come back normal and we're waiting on DH's SA. We'll be meeting with our RE after all that and will go from there. I expect if everything comes back okay we'll do a few rounds of IUI. If that doesn't work I think I'd like to try 1 IVF if we can afford it. After that I'll feel like we've done all we can do and that we're meant to be a family of 3 and I'll be able to mourn and move on. 

Hopeful3434

I have asked myself this questions many times. My sister and I are 8 yrs apart and we have never been close and I have always felt alone so I promised myself I would have a big family. We have a DD who just recently turned 4 and is constantly asking when she will have a sibling, says she is the only one that doesn't have one, which really does seem to be true. 

We have been TTC since she was 10 months because we wanted to have them close in age and 3 yrs later still trying. After all the testing we discovered we have MFI with very low numbers and our only option was IVF w/ICSI. We tried it once in November and got a BFN. I told myself I would only try that one time but 3 months later I feel the process as emotional as it was was not bad and I should try again. But I am torn because I don't know when to give up, because I don't want to give up a dream I have always wanted and now my daughter wants too. It makes me so sad I cry about it all the time. Good luck. 

kofmkg

NariaDreaming:

:::Lurker Lurking from 3T:::

I hope I'm not out of place here- I just wanted to share my experience as "an only". 

I was raised as an only child (adopted) but was recently reunited with my biological siblings. 

I love my siblings to pieces now, but I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the experience of growing up as an only child. The time that I had with my parents, the experiences we had as a family that were possible because it was just "and baby makes 3"... they are memories that I will cherish forever. I was (and still am) very close with my extended family, and I have several good friends who are my sisters from another mister. 

Again, I don't mean to pizz in anyone's cheerios here, and I'm truly sorry if I have overstepped my boundaries, but I did want to share as someone who has been in your LO's shoes, it's truly not as horrible as many people think it would be. Being an only child was all I ever knew, so I couldn't compare it to having siblings. I never felt like I was "missing out" on something. I had a DIFFERENT family experience than many of my friends, but that did not make it better or worse. It was simply different.  

ETA: As someone also on an IF journey I know the emotional rollercoaster that comes with it. I don't mean to invalidate any of your feelings 

I totally welcome your input!  As I've been trying to sort out all of my feelings, I see so many positives to having an only child-- primarily always being able to put his needs first and never having to choose or compromise one child's needs over another's. But also being able to devote as much of myself and my time to him is really improtant to me.  Your perspective is valuable to me-- thank you!

whirli

Ditto above, thanks for sharing your story!! Coming from a large family I feel like I'll be depriving DD if she doesn't get a sibling. It's so refreshing to be reminded of the positives of being an only child from someone who's been there. Thank you

Saraevh

Chiming in as an only child myself as well! 

My parents had me in their early 20's and while my mother always said she would have had one more, my dad was one and done. Similar to PP I had a wonderful childhood and don't feel as though I missed out on anything growing up. We did a lot as a family of 3 - went on a lot of family vacations, my parents sent me to excellent private schools, I was always involved in many different things from sports, to camps, to traveling around the world with band while I was in high school, they were able to pay for my college and on and on. I was always surrounded by family and friends and never felt alone or isolated ever.  Like PP said, maybe I didn't mind because I never knew anything different?  But either way, I turned out alright. 

Sadly, my parents divorced when I was in my early 20's and my mom has since remarried a man who has a daughter and a son, but we are not close as we really have only known each other for about 5 years and don't live close to each other so we really only see one another a couple of times a year.

I understand your feelings of not having a complete family. We have been blessed with two children, but would love to add a third to our family. I understand that it is hard not knowing if that will be possible and thinking about the possibility that you won't have the family you always envisioned. It sucks and it's not fair.

But, with that said, I agree with other PP's.  There is a plan for all of us and our families and while it may not make sense to us now, hopefully it will one day. 

topaz7777

I'm new to this board and sorry I haven't introduced myself yet.  I've been wondering the same thing as the OP.  I'm really glad you posted this thread, the storied are helping me cope with the possibility of having an only child also.

SnowflakeBride06

kofmkg:

NariaDreaming:

:::Lurker Lurking from 3T:::

I hope I'm not out of place here- I just wanted to share my experience as "an only". 

I was raised as an only child (adopted) but was recently reunited with my biological siblings. 

I love my siblings to pieces now, but I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the experience of growing up as an only child. The time that I had with my parents, the experiences we had as a family that were possible because it was just "and baby makes 3"... they are memories that I will cherish forever. I was (and still am) very close with my extended family, and I have several good friends who are my sisters from another mister. 

Again, I don't mean to pizz in anyone's cheerios here, and I'm truly sorry if I have overstepped my boundaries, but I did want to share as someone who has been in your LO's shoes, it's truly not as horrible as many people think it would be. Being an only child was all I ever knew, so I couldn't compare it to having siblings. I never felt like I was "missing out" on something. I had a DIFFERENT family experience than many of my friends, but that did not make it better or worse. It was simply different.  

ETA: As someone also on an IF journey I know the emotional rollercoaster that comes with it. I don't mean to invalidate any of your feelings 

I totally welcome your input!  As I've been trying to sort out all of my feelings, I see so many positives to having an only child-- primarily always being able to put his needs first and never having to choose or compromise one child's needs over another's. But also being able to devote as much of myself and my time to him is really improtant to me.  Your perspective is valuable to me-- thank you!

Naria thank you for posting your experience as an only child and KOFMKG thank you for asking this question. These responses have really helped me so much. Thank you! 

lmielocl1

I am struggling with this question at the very moment as well.  I always wanted to have children close in age as my brother & I were 4 years apart and have never been very close.  And I have never been keen on the idea of having an only child as my parents are both only children and we have such a small family.  However, having 2 children here with us close in age is not in the cards for us as my DS1 is almost 2 1/2 and we lost our DS2 last year at 18w.  We are now deciding on one more IUI vs IVF.  Either way, I know that this year is our last year TTC.  I hope more than words can say that we will still be able to expand our family through TTC this year. Knowing that this is our last year TTC, I am already working on mentally & emotionally preparing myself if the time does come that we need to make the difficult decision to be done!  I think it is is helpful to have a plan & timing.  We shall see how I feel at the end of the year though if it has not happened yet.  

I wish you the best!!!