telling your child about a miscarriage?

jw87

First, I want to say I'm sorry if I'm on the wrong board.

I've been around very infrequently... usually just when grief creeps back into my mind and I need some support.  You ladies are amazing. 

I recently told my 4 year old about our miscarriage from 2 years ago, and I'd like to know if anyone else has done what I did?  How did you deal with it?  It was a really unexpected conversation, and so far I've just been going with my gut. 

Here's the convo we had:

 https://oliviaiamstilllearning.blogspot.com/2013/02/telling-your-child-about-miscarriage.html .

JuddandJessica

That's beautiful. Truly.

I lost a sibling when I was 2 years old. I have no memory of my sister but I plan on doing exactly what you and my parents did. To me, my two losses are my child's siblings and a part of our family. Their memory can only be kept alive through us. Death was never scary, like you stated you feel now, and that was a huge gift to me as a child. I really feel you did the right thing. If other people whom haven't experienced our losses can't understand, then it doesn't matter.

aadewitt

As you said, there is no right or wrong.  I personally dont plan on telling any of my kids about my m/c unless I tell them they are going to be big brother/sisters and then I lose the baby.  I had my m/c in aug '11 got pg with LO in oct 11. Although I think about the m/c and the what ifs, but I would not have had LO.  I find no need to tell him about it, unless it some how comes up.  when I had my m/c we had just told our families and I have some 8 yr old nice and nephews I felt soo bad that they now had to find out I was no longer pg.  Didn't seem to really bother them- and didn't really bring up any questions I guess.

 

Mom2anAngel2

I think that your conversation was beautiful. I do plan in discussing our loss with our children, but I think it will be obvious since we visit him in the cemetery after church each week. I want his memory to be present in our family.

hopefulmom81

esd:

I do think I will eventually tell our kids about my loss but probably not until they are much older.

I agree.  I think one thing is that miscarriages hit most of us even harder because you grow up thinking "sex=baby" and don't really learn about the fact that 1/4 or more women lose pregnancies. It is something I want DD to understand and be aware of.

I don't think I will make it this big emotional thing for her because honestly, with the timing of the losses, if I wouldn't have had them, she wouldn't exist.  I am just going to be very matter-of-fact about it.  

jw87

Thank you everyone for sharing.  I appreciate it so much.

Eris-Alexis

I'm planning on telling C and any future kids about their siblings at some point in the future.  I have a memorial tattoo for them that C is always looking at, so I think the topic will come up at some point. 

Sonadora

I will definitely tell her that I've had a loss at some point. I don't remember when my mom told me, maybe when I asked why there was such an age gap between my brother and I? I just remember always knowing.  We also think my grandmother had one or more and we both would have really liked to know that, but my grams was of a generation where such things were not discussed and now she's been dead 20 years. (Wow, that last bit there just hit me, I miss my grams.)

To me, it seems like almost every woman on my side of the family (including extended) has had a loss and/or struggled with fertility issues, so I think it's important that she knows that, so it can be on her mind as she's thinking about having her own children and she can put it in her medical history for doctors so they will be aware.

Lbloom

Our DD will know about her sister, but we have pictures of her up and my DH openly talk about her. I guess it's a little different b/c ours was stillborn, but she's also a member of our family and I think part of the reason we talk openly about her is b/c it's part of the way we keep her memory alive. I'm not sure when we'll tell her, whether it will be casual or a heart-to-heart...or maybe she'll ask and that's how it'll come up. My H and I still have some time to decide.