Need to vent

HullGut

My Dad has been very supportive and understanding the past three months. My Mother and him lost a daughter at 38 weeks before they had me. My parents have both been great and really helped me through this. Today my Dad told me I need to stop talking about Hunter.  He told me it was time to put this in the past. um excuse me how can i just put this in the past? This comment stopped me in my tracks I can't believe he told me to stop talking about my son. I wasn't even talking about Hunter when he brought it up. I told him that I will never stop talking about Hunter and it helps me to talk about him. Things got awkward and he changed the subject and the he left. His comment really hurt me and made me suddenly self conscious. Now I feel like I can't talk about Hunter around him. Ughhh!

bunnybun4

I am so sorry you are not feeling supported by your family.

My mom had two early losses...so although she doesn't know what a 2nd tri loss is like I still felt like we were on the same page.  For about 2 months she keeps hinting that I need to "get on something" (medicine wise) because I will call her upset and crying about my baby.  Do I cry everyday...no.  I am fully functioning and coping very well with the most traumatic event of my life...but yes I do get low times and have sob sessions...and weird things remind me of my little girl and make me cry.  The icing on the cake was last week:  my church is having a private grief group by invite only...I got an invite.  I was telling my mom and then said that it doesn't start till April.  her response, "oh well you will prob. be over it by then." 

Really? because 1. I won't ever be over this  2. my EDD is in April.  UGHHHH!!!

I know how you are feeling and I know that I want to talk about my LO all of the time and no one else seems to think that is appropriate...people just really don't have a clue how to act when a person is grieving.  Do you think it would help if you had a convo with your dad about your healing and how you need to talk about Hunter to Heal?

((HUGS))

Bayberry12

I am so sorry he said that to you. You would think since he has been through a loss, he would understand.
It was a different time back then though, and they did things differently. Also, men handle things differently than women. There have been times when my own husband has told me to move on and not hold on to the past. I know what he meant, but those were the wrong words.
I really wish he was more understanding of your feelings.

Williamandshawnna

I am so sorry that your father said that to you.

My mother in law said the same thing to me a few months ago, and she had a 2nd tri loss as well. Not that it makes it any better, but like Bayberry mentioned, they come from a different time, when they cried for something once and then moved on. I am in no way saying his words are not hurtful, because they are and they just do not see it the same way as we do.

 Everyones situation is different and I wish none of us had to endure these hurtful words.

jess123456

Hugs to you. I am so sorry. A family member said something similar to me when I mentioned that I was attending a support group. I was so upset at what he said that I eventually confronted him about it. Keep in mind that my family member hasn't personally experienced a loss like this but my family member actually told me that he thought that he was trying to help by saying that because that is what he would do if he were in my shoes and he was trying to protect me. If you are up for it and think that your dad would be receptive to it, perhaps he needs to be told again why he is in the wrong and why you do talk about your son.

Like the other person said, this is his problem and not your problem.

HullGut

Thank you so much ladies, your feedback really helps. I talked to my Mom about it and she agreed he was wrong. My Dad called me a little bit ago and he was crying. He admitted he was wrong. He said he just hates seeing me so sad and upset all the time. He said I don't talk about Hunter too much and he never should have said anything. I feel much better now that we talked.

jess123456

So glad that you had a chance to talk again.

We are always here for you and will always be here to hear about Hunter.

Bayberry12

Aww I'm glad you got to talk to him again. A loss like this is really hard on our families too. And a lot of times they say the wrong things. Hugs to you.

HullGut

Thank you ladies. I feel very lucky to have all of you.

SaltyDonut

I hate to say it but i think its a "man" thing. My parents have also been very supportive to me both during my pregnancy & after the loss. But just yesterday my father tells me he know's I have a hole in my heart, but I can start to fill it by moving on & filling it with "stuff"... which i could only assume means a hobby or another career choice. I wanted to shout this is a hole that will NEVER be filled but I know that would have just in-sighted a fight. I just talk to my mom & she relays the message to him, which always helps. I'm sorry for your loss & we all have to live with insensitivity, but am grateful for supportive forums like these!