WWYD re: birthday party invite

MickeyM04

OK so yes, I am thinking about our guest list for the upcoming birthday.  No one ever accused me of not being OCD and type A, let me tell you.  So here's the situation.  DH and I have started becoming friendly with another couple over the past several months, probably since shortly after DS was born.  They are great...super fun to hang out with, great senses of humor, very nice and caring people.  We see them mostly in a work context but have hung out with them a couple of times outside of work too.

Here's the issue.  Their kids are awful.  Like nightmares.  I feel awful saying that, but DH is the most easygoing, mellow guy there is and even he was like HOLY S**T those kids are ill behaved.  They basically came to our house for the first time and were completely nuts.  They took out every toy in our living room without asking, and then when DS would try to play with one of his toys, they would grab it from him and yell at him and tell him he was ruining their game.  Like literally forcibly removing toys from a 9 month old and literally yelling in his face.  The older of the two was running around the house, running into walls, driving DS's toy ride-on car into the walls and furniture, jumping on the furniture, etc.  Between the two of them in 2 hours I would say there were about 8-9 temper tantrums.  And there was no discipline to speak of. 

So I don't know what to do.  We are friendly enough to where they know DS's bday is coming up and that we will be having a birthday party.  Obviously you can't invite the parents without the kids to a baby's birthday party.  I want to not invite them because I was really appalled at how the kids acted when it was just the 7 of us, and I can't imagine how they would be with 30+ people around.  DH thinks it could kind of bring an end to the friendship if they find out they weren't invited (we have mutual friends so they would likely find out, or just realize it when they didn't get invited and they now know we're having a party).  WWYD?  Would you say screw it, if the kids are that bad you don't want to have to deal with it at DS's first birthday party, plus they weren't even good with DS anyway so certainly you wouldn't invite them, and to heck with the parents, it doesn't sound like this is a friendship you would necessarily want to keep up if you don't like the kids...or would you invite them to save the friendship with the parents who you do like a lot?  I'm just curious what you ladies would do.  TIA

VeilSdeGTO

That is a hard one!

From what you've described, I would probably invite them. They seem like a couple that you consider "friends" and not inviting them might jeopardize that friendship.

Will the party be at your home or somewhere else? Is it possible to have it outside or at a park/different venue so they won't be making a mess of your place? Plus, with that many more people around, hopefully they will be better behaved. It would also be helpful to have more eyes on them and you can focus just on DS without dealing with their kids.

Good luck!

martinimomma

That sounds horrendous. 

I don't think you can let those little animals in your house with 30+ people.  They would have less supervision given the crowd and could do even more damage.

I'd have to go with not inviting them (and if asked, you only had so much space or could accommodate so many family and friends at one time) and perhaps offering to do something with them separately -- at their house and/or when the weather is better and you can send them outside to trample your rosebushes.

If that can't work, you could raise the issue with one or both of the parents ("we noticed that Jimmy and Billy were a bit intense when they visited us, and we're not sure they'd do well in a big crowd of strangers") and see if they can have a rational conversation about it and perhaps agree to watch them more closely.

That being said, I doubt they would get the drift of the personal discussion (i.e., clearly their children's behavior does not bother them as they did not try to change it). 

Good luck whatever you decide!

ETA:  Good point from VSGTO about the venue.  Is the party at your house?

MickeyM04

The party is at our house, yes, which is another reason for my hesitation.  I felt like the only reason things were even remotely in control last time (and I use the term "in control" loosely) was because DH and I were standing guard over DS and our possessions since mom and dad seemed to have the "hands off" parenting philosophy.  So I don't know that I would feel comfortable having them in our house if DH and I couldn't be there to personally watch their every move, which won't be an option when we have 30 other guests, food, etc. to attend to. 

I do like the idea of perhaps blaming the quantity of people in our house and only having so much space.  Our place is fairly small and I think it will be a tight squeeze as is and we could always say that family took up most of the bill and that only a few VERY close friends made "the cut," so to speak, which is actually true.  They are relatively new friends so I'm hoping it wouldn't be totally transparent.  DH feels really bad though bc he loves the husband of the couple and doesn't have many guy friends and is afraid of jeopardizing the friendship. 

I am glad to hear we weren't overreacting at thinking these kids were loony.

luvmyducks

If you value their friendship then invite them.  It seems like they may stress you out a bit but at least it will only be for a couple hours.  Birthday parties in general are crazy anyway if you have kids.

adoxyinherear

If I really wanted to keep them as friends, I would invite them.

orangegoggles

Ugh that is a tough one...

Are the kids like that every time? Or maybe it was an off night?

I would probably invite them because it seems important to your H to maintain the relationship. That being said I think you might be putting too much thought into their reaction. I'm not sure they would care as much as you might think, especially if you are newish friends. I don't think I would care too much about not being invited to a 1 year olds birthday, kwim? 

Sonadora

Can you have the party in your yard since it's late April? Will that be warm enough where you are?  That way you can buy some large balls they can toss around, have bubbles and such?  When we have big parties where we don't want our house full of a.) people and b.) random aged children that's what we do.

 

As far as children's birthday parties, my general rule is only 1.) close relatives and 2.) friends with children the same-ish age as my kid are invited.  I generally don't think people who don't have kids in the age range of yours are dying to spend time at a child's b-day party where there aren't age-appropriate things for their children to do.

MickeyM04

UGH, so hard!! 

 Late April in our area could either be 40 degrees or 70 degrees (gotta love the midwest) so in terms of having stuff outside, it's definitely a possibility but not anything we could plan on for sure. 

In response to phancy, yes it would stress me out and that's why my thought is heck to the no.  But it is not entirely my decision and I'm trying to take into account DH's thoughts too.  At this point I think he is willing to do whatever I want to do, so ultimately we probably won't invite them I think.

I agree that ultimately they might not really care, since their kids are so much older and they probably don't care to spend their Saturday celebrating a 1 year old's birthday.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and I'm glad at least to see that there are mixed thoughts.  I wasn't sure if I was just being a psycho B or not

melly918

I personally would not want them in my house again.

If it were up to me, since it is a 1 year old's birthday, I would limit it to family and maybe friends who have little ones just to keep it more age appropriate. You could say that someday when your child is older you might do parties at a party place so more people and a variety of kids can attend.

jertie

Yow - that's a tough one.  From what you wrote it sounds like you guys have mostly been hanging out without the kids, so it actually makes more sense if you don't invite them.  I'd just casually tell them that you guys were planning DS' b-day party and discussed inviting them, but figured that their kids would be bored - then invite them on a couples date.  This way they know you still want to be friends with them and that you're not giving them the brush off.  Plus, honestly - they probably know their kids are little monsters and hate having to take them anywhere.

mork

I'm as far on the 'heck to the no' side as possible. I've had kids come to my house and ruin sh!t. Like literally, they ripped a door down and it was unfixable. And they were fairly well behaved, at least as I had observed before that party.

We now have a hard time letting any children in our house, even my niece and nephew. Of course, they're little terrors. We let the other niece stay here all the time without issue. Anyway, we will not be having any parties here with children. It will be adults only or the party will be held at another venue.

edinger3

sandyd:

That sounds horrendous. 

I don't think you can let those little animals in your house with 30+ people.  They would have less supervision given the crowd and could do even more damage.

I'd have to go with not inviting them (and if asked, you only had so much space or could accommodate so many family and friends at one time) and perhaps offering to do something with them separately -- at their house and/or when the weather is better and you can send them outside to trample your rosebushes.

If that can't work, you could raise the issue with one or both of the parents ("we noticed that Jimmy and Billy were a bit intense when they visited us, and we're not sure they'd do well in a big crowd of strangers") and see if they can have a rational conversation about it and perhaps agree to watch them more closely.

That being said, I doubt they would get the drift of the personal discussion (i.e., clearly their children's behavior does not bother them as they did not try to change it). 

Good luck whatever you decide!

ETA:  Good point from VSGTO about the venue.  Is the party at your house?

This would be my answer & reasoning. You shouldn't have to worry about the condition of your house during a joyous milestone.

MickeyM04

esd, the kids are 6 and 3 years old.  The pulling all the toys out honestly wouldn't have bothered me with the 3 year old, but I feel like a 6 year old should know to ask.  But regardless it really wouldn't have bothered me with either child if they hadn't then proceeded to yell at DS when he was playing with them.  I mean when you take out a baby's own toys and lay them around, he's going to try to play with them.  But we had about 50 toys laying out and every one he tried to play with, they took away/yelled at him for touching.  I know you can't rationalize with children all the time, but it's like, well, if you don't want him playing with them, maybe you shouldn't take them all out.  Like if you put a big box of donuts in front of me, you can darn well bet I'm going to eat them!  But yes I agree with you regarding your points.

melly918

I assume the parents don't intervene at all. That would rankle me. My DS can be a little rambunctious and I am often reminding him on how to behave. At the water park last week, he was going down the slide before it was even cleared for him to go down. After two time outs and explanations, he finally listened and played appropriately. My point to this whole story is that parents need to constantly teach their kids and supervise them well. If they don't, you get kids like your friends have.

JulyMomma2U2

I think it all depends on how much you value the friendship.  It's a tough situation either way.. as a friend, you can't say "your kids are awful" without risking damaging the friendship.. and, deliberately not inviting them also runs the risk of damaging the friendship.

It's a tough situation, for sure, but if it were me, and I valued the friendship of the couple, I would invite them.  But, I'm also the type that would have corrected the children if the parent's weren't.  Not "disciplined", but I would have audibly corrected the issue so that the parents would get the hint that the way their child is acting is inappropriate in my home.  Perhaps if you're not comfortable doing that, have a family member of yours sort of keep an eye out for crazy behavior and correct it.  Good luck!

karma79

If you want the friendship to continue I would invite them. You may luck out and they won't be able to come. During the party you will probably be too busy to even be bothered by them - the party will go by in a flash. And if there are other kids there then they will be distracted by them and less of a terror to your DS.

Eris-Alexis

jertie:

Yow - that's a tough one.  From what you wrote it sounds like you guys have mostly been hanging out without the kids, so it actually makes more sense if you don't invite them.  I'd just casually tell them that you guys were planning DS' b-day party and discussed inviting them, but figured that their kids would be bored - then invite them on a couples date.  This way they know you still want to be friends with them and that you're not giving them the brush off.  Plus, honestly - they probably know their kids are little monsters and hate having to take them anywhere.

I think this is a great idea.  Especially if you play up the bored kids aspect of it.   

weddedwife

luvmyducks:

If you value their friendship then invite them. nbsp;It seems like they may stress you out a bit but at least it will only be for a couple hours. nbsp;Birthday parties in general are crazy anyway if you have kids.

This. If there are other kids there, they'll be more distracted and kept busy. Another option is having the main activity outside. You may have to step in and intervene if they start taking toys away; let them know there are "house rules".